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Tonight it will be all over...

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by tre_tas, Aug 16, 2006.

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  1. tre_tas

    tre_tas Member

    It's my first time ever on this forum.
    Suicide has never been a topic that interested me much because I've always been a very positive person and never had suicidal tendencies before.
    But something happend to me recently that is really making me feel traped. Traped in this world, in this life...
    I have been with my wife for 10 years now, and we have also 1 child. We've loved each other almost without restrictions, to the point of doing crazy stuff just to make each other happy.
    About 3 months ago she said that she no longer loved me and that she wanted a divorce. Later she even said that she had never loved me, which really hurt because I'm 100% sure it's not true! Nobody could fake that! Not the way we were together.
    I am sure now she is the right person for me, as I have been sure for the past 10 years.
    A few weeks ago I asked directly if she had another person in her life, and she gave me her word that she didn't and that she never betrayed me. I was very relieved but also confused by this, because she could not give me a reasonable answer. Only that she wasn't made to be a wife and that she needed to be "free" (whatever that means!?!)
    We are now seperated and trying to sell our house, and I'm living at my parents' house (alone, because they're on holidays).
    This morning I went to our house to leave some stuff of mine there, and I couldn't help snooping around in her papers. This is something that I have never done before, because i feel very stringly about respecting other peoples privacy, but i just HAD to find out something. To understand...
    There I found several love letters that she wrote to a friend of hers, saying how much she loved him, how she liked to smell his scent on the pillow on her bed where he had been, etc.
    Now I know that she lied! And I instead of just hating her, and using this hate to help me break free from her, I just feel sorry for myself, and I still love her.
    Isn't this stupid?!?
    I'm so stupid! Worthless!
    Why do I love this woman so?!?

    You know what i did after reading those letters?
    I went and called her to tell her that I loved her! To say that I missed her, and practically begged her to have dinner with me tonight!
    I don't know what I'm doing! and i don't know what i will do tonight!
    I feel lke hasking to give her word again about if she love some one else, just to see if she'll lie to me again! Lose her word of honer! Lose all respect for me and herself!
    And after dinner I'm thinking of going home and swallowing a big dose antidepressive pills.
    I've been planning this today. I don't know if these pills can kill me, but I have about some 100 of them. (I guess this should be enough)

    You know what's funny? These are my wife's pills, that her shrink gave specifically to me because she was afraid of my wife's suicidal tendencies! (and according to the shrink, an overdose of these pills is fatal)
  2. roews

    roews Member

    hi, I know the love you speak of, and having to lose a relationship is very difficult. She is the one responsible not you, even if there is a someone else so many people dont realize the grass is not greener on the other side. I want you to know that we are here for you please lean on us for support. IF you kill yourself over her she wins. i am sorry i dont have more to share please lean on us. suicide is a permanent solution to a temperary problem so many have said that to me and i thought it might help a bit with you.
  3. gwalchmei

    gwalchmei Well-Known Member

    Whatever you do, don't go through with it. I know you feel like your world is over, but it isn't. You are a good person and someone like her doesn't deserve you. I know this may be really hard to accept, but you will find someone out there who will be faithful to you for a lifetime. I'm in the exact same boat as you, but I know that one day I will find a woman who isn't interested in me for how much money I make, or whether or not I have both the looks of Brad Pitt and the money of Bill Gates. You will find someone that will be good to you and not unfaithful. You just have to hang on and keep believing it will happen. And it will happen when you least expect it. We are here for you.
  4. tre_tas

    tre_tas Member

    Thanks for all your support.
    Like i said, i'm planning to have dinner with my wife tonight, and only plan to go to my parent's house after dinner. I guess what I will do will also depend a lot on what she says to me.
    Let me ask you 3 questions:
    - Do you believe in true love?
    - Do you believe in the "one special person" destined for each person?
    - Do you believe it is impossible to live a happy life without love?

    My answers before I met my wife were NO to all 3 of these questions.
    After we started dating and until today, my 3 answers are YES.

    I dind't ask to fall in love with her! But I'm sure she's the one! And I don't know what I've done wrong! What have I done to loose her? And I'm not sure if life is worth living without her.
  5. tre_tas

    tre_tas Member

    Hi Roews.
    I like your avatar: "Promise me you'll never let me go".
    You know how many times my wife promised me this? And how many times I swore the same to her?
    Crazy isn't it?

    I don't know about wining or losing...
    I don't see our marriage, our lives or our love as a game. It's just something that happened and was meant to be forever, like we told each other so many times!
    So nobody will win or loose if I die or live, because this isn't a game. It's just life.
    Last edited by a moderator: Aug 16, 2006
  6. kath

    kath Well-Known Member

    Hey welcome to the site and i hope you find it useful here.im sorry youve been feeling so low and given the situation im not surprised if you are hurting very very much right now.But please dont make any big decisions right now.i know thats easier for me to say and harder for you to resist but you have just found out about a very big thing which is effecting you and now may not be the best time for making very much potentially life or death decisions [sorry about the wording].

    i am here for you today and always if you want to talk more on hte forum or on this thread or if you want/need a friend anytime or would prefer to talk privately or just want some extra support or a chat or whatever!Feel free to contact me anyhow via PM [private message] anytime and it would always be good to hear from you.

    i have overdosed a number of times.i have not yet been successful obviously as im still here.And i really hope you dont do it.There are so many risks.ANd you could end up in a worse situation than now cos of those risks/possible effects and consequences.And yes being selfish as i am i dont want you to do it cos id like to get to know you better also!There are some wonderful people here and i hope you make some friends and give this place a chance and begin to feel less alone in your struggles.

    If you go to dinner tonight with your wife i hope that works out as well as possible.ANd re the suicide stuff i aint gonna tell you what to do or not to do or whatever cos i dont feel i have the right to do that to people and id be a hypocrite.But i really hope you dont do it and that you will manage to stay safe and remain in the world much longer for many yeats to come!!!

    im always here if you want to talk about how things are going for you.

    Take care and best wishes for now
  7. tre_tas

    tre_tas Member

    Hi Kath.
    Thanks for the support.
    It's funny how you mentioned your failed OD attempts, because that's my worst fear right now. I'm not worried about dying, about disappearing into nothingness or about leaving my family and friends, because I truly believe at the moment that it would be better for everyone.
    My real worry is the possibility of having a failed OD and having to face the world again in a hospital bed, or worse: becoming a crippled or a coma case and causing an extra burden on my family.
    Because I no nothing of medicine, I am not sure that I can avoid a failed OD.

    BTW, could some answer my previous 3 questions?
    I'm curious to know the opinions of ex-suicidals on these...
  8. kath

    kath Well-Known Member

    Hey sorry i wasnt trying to ignore your three questions.i had read them and thought about them........but i guess i didnt respond cos on all three im not really sure what i feel right now.Sorry i know thats not much use ot you and therefore i probably shouldnt have replied in the first place!i didnt mean to by pass all you were saying and go off on a tangent totally of my own!!!Sorry.

    Re failed OD attempts there are lots of risks.i have on a few occasions now worken up in a hospital bed before [not all cos some of the occasions i OD'ed i didnt go to hospital and woke up at home and didnt do anything about it - but though i havent always practised what i preach IMHO people should really always go to a hospital after a failed attempt to check for and minimise any damage].As i said i cant and i aint gonna preach but trust me from someone who has been there [as im sure probably unfortunately quite a few people from this site may have] you dont wanna be in that position waking up in a hospital bed [or waking up anywhere for that matter!] after a failed suicide attempt.When ive been in hospital cos of OD ive felt so ashamed to take up one of their beds and i found it so hard to face the world again afterwards too.The reaction of hospital staff was variable.As was the response of the few people around me who found out about my attempts.Hardly any of that response was positive though.ANd the best way not to end up being in that position being a patient in a hospital bed after a failed suicide attempt is not to do it.i knwo that sounds simple.And i know it isnt.But you take so many risks if you OD and it can be a very very nasty experience.And it can leave lasting effects too.i am lucky.So far that i know aobut ive only had stomach damage via OD.It could have been worse for meim not currently cos they deem me too suicidal but i used to be on stomach tablets for the damage id caused and would still be if it werent for my high level of suicide risk which means people wont prescribe to me anymore.

    Things could have been so much worse for me and im not here to scare you and there are times before people have told me not to do it and ive gone and done it anyway and i guess thats life but i really really hope you dont.And also that you will give us a chance to get to know you better.

    im always here if you want to talk some more and im sorry for going on and for not managing to answer your questions!i hope some of the others do as i know i have not been much use to you.Sorry.

    Pllease take care
  9. tre_tas

    tre_tas Member

    Hey Kath.
    Just having someone reply is good enough.
    You know, I'm in a crowded place, full of people around me and still I feel compeletly alone.
    Now at least I know that i'm truly alone.
  10. gwalchmei

    gwalchmei Well-Known Member

    tre tas,
    I guess my answer to your question, if you would call it an answer, is that there is someone out there for you, someone you're meant to be with. It might not be your wife. It might be. I can't really say. But when you do find that person, you won't have to worry about whether or not you can "live without love". That person will never abandon you and so the question will be irrelevant to you, because you will never have to live without it. But it still takes work, but it's work you are both happy (or at least grateful) to give. That's something that I guess my wife never understood. She still seems to think that a marriage should consist of that same initial state of "being in love", with all the (superficial) excitement that goes along with it. I don't even know if she is capable of deep commitment anymore. I don't know, now I'm babbling. I hope this helps. Just remember, you are a wonderful person who deserves, and will find, a good woman who loves you for who you are. Maybe she is your wife, and has just forgotten what's truly important. It's not for me to say. But you need to hang on and have faith that the woman who is perfect for you (not necessarily perfect, period) will come along.
  11. tre_tas

    tre_tas Member

    Hi Gwalchmei.
    First of all, thank you for your frank answer.

    I think it's the same with my wife. She really loved me when we were fresh in love, like 2 little kids we were. I think she misses that. Heck! Even I miss it, but I know that it can't be all sparks and thrills forever! I mean, that's natural, right? Still I love her very much. In a very controlled and calm manner (that's the way I am, she the oposite) but I'm always thinking of her, buying presents, taking her out for dinner and a movie, sending her surprise flowers (even when it's not an aninversary), etc.

    And yes. She's the one.
    I believe it's possible for a person to truely love another and not be loved back. I know this because I'm a living example. It's tragic, but it's true. And If I have to leave her, I know that I'll never have true love again!

    It's now 23:30 here in Lisbon (Portugal) and I've just come from our house, where I had dinner with my wife and a long conversation. I questioned her on whether she had been faithful to me (after reading her love letters). I was hoping for a straight and honest (although painful) answer from her. But she gave me her absolute word that she had never been with another man.
    Now I am really confused because I questioned her so many times and her answers were so direct and without hesitation that I got the feeling that they were true.
    So who were the love letters for?!?
    Later in the conversation she confessed that she had had feelings for other men, but without ever doing anything about it, and also that she had had imaginary romaces that she wrote down in her notebooks.
    So could it be that it's all just made up stuff from a troubled and confused mind? (she has been seeing a shrink for the past 6 months).
    And does it really matter to me?!?

    Tried to convince her over and over again to give our love a 2nd chance, but she just refused every time. And now I know for sure that it's all over.
    So the question is: Can I live on without her?
    Do I have the strength? Can I really stop loving this woman for whom I'd die for?
    Do I have the courage to live on?

    And I don't know the answer...
    Before coming back home I stopped by the office to pick up the pills I had kept there. Now I have them in my hand and I don't know what to do. It would be so easy to just pop them all (they're over 100!) into my mouth.
    Do I have the courage to end it?

    I also don't know.

    You know what's funny? My wife was so worried when I left (she sensed that I wasn't alright) that she mede me promise her that I'd call her once I reached my parents' house (where I'm staying now). Because I took longer to get here, she was calling my mobile every 5min to know where I was and if I was alright.
    So I feel that she still cares for me. Don't you think?
    Or maybe I shouldn't keep my hopes up?
  12. LtRoarke

    LtRoarke Guest

    Hi tre tas, I am sorry that you're wife hurt you like that. First, I'd like to say for you to stay strong, if not for yourself at least for your child who will need his or her father. I think that she does care about you, but it does not sound as if she loves you. If you love someone you do not lie to them(no matter how bad the truth is)and you most certainly do not hurt them the way you wife did to you. Perhaps there is another man and perhaps there is not, I cannot say. I hope that you are still with us and that despite the tough times ahead you will stay strong. Good luck and best wishes to you :)
  13. gwalchmei

    gwalchmei Well-Known Member

    tre tas,
    Don't do it, man. You have a kid and far too much to live for. There are many people here who care about you, myself included. Suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem. Yes, it is possible for you to love someone who doesn't love you back. But perhaps that person isn't really the one meant for you. Have faith. I think you said you were an atheist (or someone said they were, I'm not sure) - so I don't want to offend you or make you feel like you are being proselytized to when I say this. Have you thought of turning to God with this? He can help. Believe me, I know. And I know that there is someone out there for you. And please consider that it might not be your wife. God will find a way for you to meet the woman perfect for you. I know He will do that for me, and I thought (and my wife, for many years, professed to think) that my wife was the one. Maybe she isn't. But I'm going to keep on having faith and trying. You need to have faith and keep on trying, as well. I will pray for you. I will be thinking about you. You are my friend.
  14. tre_tas

    tre_tas Member

    I'm Alive!

    Hi LtRoarke & gwalchmei!

    11 days haved passed and I'm alive!
    I'M ALIVE!

    Thanks for being there for me. For being my friends although you don't even know me. That night, eleven moons ago was the worst of my life. It was the first and I hope last time I got the urge to kill myself.

    I was waiting for replies from total stangers here in this forum, and the answers just didn't come fast enough. I actually swallowed 3 pills and thought about taking the rest of the 3 boxes. But, then someting stopped me. I guess it was like a survival instinct, and I just called up a dear childhood friend on the phone. He was very far away (in LA actually) and with an 8 hour time difference. But by pure luck he picked up the phone (he ussually doesn't). I he hadn't I feel that I might really have gone through with it! :(

    He sensed my fragile state of mind and I ended up telling him all that happened that day, and even how I felt like dying. Afterwards we were talking for hours (it must have cost him a fortune this international call). And he saved my life that night. The day after, I had about 1 hour sleep, and I had a terrible hang-over, but I felt better. Now he's back here in Lisbon and he offered for me to go live in his house (he has an extra empy room), and I accepted. Now we go out with friends almost every night, and I have so much fun that I almost forget my troubles.

    You are right that I must live for my daughter. She's just 5 now and she really loves me. This weekend I was with her and she was kissing and hugging me all the time. I feel that although we haven't told her yet (she's on holidays with her grand-parents) that she senses that something is wrong. She a really bright kid!

    And yes. I'm an atheist. I believe that there really isn't and superior lifeform or ententy. All scientific facts and logic point in that direction and therefore that is my belief.
    I also understand how confrting it might be to believe in a god. How it could help someone like me through these times. But I just want to say to all you atheist suicidals out there: I made it through the worst night of my life, and I felt no presence of such a god to protect me or the weight of some ancient law saying that suicide is a sin.
    The trick? FRIENDS!
    It's true! When you're down, when you feel like dying, just rely on friends! Call them up! Go to a forum, a chat, messenger, fax, go to their house, WHATEVER! Use and abuse of there friendship, of their kindness! If they are true friends they'll be gald to help!

    And once agian, thank you all my faceless friends for your help that night! Maybe without your support I wouldn't even had made it to that life-saving phone call!

    I just hope some day I can repay you back!
    (and sorry for not getting back to you earlier, but the last thing I needed the following days was to talk and think about suicide. I was selfish, i know... :unsure: )

    Peace and Love for all of you!
  15. Casey.

    Casey. Well-Known Member

    I understand how you're feeling, I lost my finace the day after I proposed to her. The thing is, I will never know how she feels because she's dead. What you need to do, is sit down with her and tell her that you found the letters to the other guy. You need to tell her how you feel, and why you feel this way. I think dinner would be a good idea when to do that. Suicide is not the answer. I know you feel really crappy, but death is not going to help.
    Be safe
  16. LtRoarke

    LtRoarke Guest

    I am glad that you are doing better! Have a great day :)
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