Hi.
It's my first time ever on this forum.
Suicide has never been a topic that interested me much because I've always been a very positive person and never had suicidal tendencies before.
But something happend to me recently that is really making me feel traped. Traped in this world, in this life...
I have been with my wife for 10 years now, and we have also 1 child. We've loved each other almost without restrictions, to the point of doing crazy stuff just to make each other happy.
About 3 months ago she said that she no longer loved me and that she wanted a divorce. Later she even said that she had never loved me, which really hurt because I'm 100% sure it's not true! Nobody could fake that! Not the way we were together.
I am sure now she is the right person for me, as I have been sure for the past 10 years.
A few weeks ago I asked directly if she had another person in her life, and she gave me her word that she didn't and that she never betrayed me. I was very relieved but also confused by this, because she could not give me a reasonable answer. Only that she wasn't made to be a wife and that she needed to be "free" (whatever that means!?!)
We are now seperated and trying to sell our house, and I'm living at my parents' house (alone, because they're on holidays).
This morning I went to our house to leave some stuff of mine there, and I couldn't help snooping around in her papers. This is something that I have never done before, because i feel very stringly about respecting other peoples privacy, but i just HAD to find out something. To understand...
There I found several love letters that she wrote to a friend of hers, saying how much she loved him, how she liked to smell his scent on the pillow on her bed where he had been, etc.
Now I know that she lied! And I instead of just hating her, and using this hate to help me break free from her, I just feel sorry for myself, and I still love her.
Isn't this stupid?!?
I'm so stupid! Worthless!
Why do I love this woman so?!?
You know what i did after reading those letters?
I went and called her to tell her that I loved her! To say that I missed her, and practically begged her to have dinner with me tonight!
I don't know what I'm doing! and i don't know what i will do tonight!
I feel lke hasking to give her word again about if she love some one else, just to see if she'll lie to me again! Lose her word of honer! Lose all respect for me and herself!
And after dinner I'm thinking of going home and swallowing a big dose antidepressive pills.
I've been planning this today. I don't know if these pills can kill me, but I have about some 100 of them. (I guess this should be enough)
You know what's funny? These are my wife's pills, that her shrink gave specifically to me because she was afraid of my wife's suicidal tendencies! (and according to the shrink, an overdose of these pills is fatal)
It's my first time ever on this forum.
Suicide has never been a topic that interested me much because I've always been a very positive person and never had suicidal tendencies before.
But something happend to me recently that is really making me feel traped. Traped in this world, in this life...
I have been with my wife for 10 years now, and we have also 1 child. We've loved each other almost without restrictions, to the point of doing crazy stuff just to make each other happy.
About 3 months ago she said that she no longer loved me and that she wanted a divorce. Later she even said that she had never loved me, which really hurt because I'm 100% sure it's not true! Nobody could fake that! Not the way we were together.
I am sure now she is the right person for me, as I have been sure for the past 10 years.
A few weeks ago I asked directly if she had another person in her life, and she gave me her word that she didn't and that she never betrayed me. I was very relieved but also confused by this, because she could not give me a reasonable answer. Only that she wasn't made to be a wife and that she needed to be "free" (whatever that means!?!)
We are now seperated and trying to sell our house, and I'm living at my parents' house (alone, because they're on holidays).
This morning I went to our house to leave some stuff of mine there, and I couldn't help snooping around in her papers. This is something that I have never done before, because i feel very stringly about respecting other peoples privacy, but i just HAD to find out something. To understand...
There I found several love letters that she wrote to a friend of hers, saying how much she loved him, how she liked to smell his scent on the pillow on her bed where he had been, etc.
Now I know that she lied! And I instead of just hating her, and using this hate to help me break free from her, I just feel sorry for myself, and I still love her.
Isn't this stupid?!?
I'm so stupid! Worthless!
Why do I love this woman so?!?
You know what i did after reading those letters?
I went and called her to tell her that I loved her! To say that I missed her, and practically begged her to have dinner with me tonight!
I don't know what I'm doing! and i don't know what i will do tonight!
I feel lke hasking to give her word again about if she love some one else, just to see if she'll lie to me again! Lose her word of honer! Lose all respect for me and herself!
And after dinner I'm thinking of going home and swallowing a big dose antidepressive pills.
I've been planning this today. I don't know if these pills can kill me, but I have about some 100 of them. (I guess this should be enough)
You know what's funny? These are my wife's pills, that her shrink gave specifically to me because she was afraid of my wife's suicidal tendencies! (and according to the shrink, an overdose of these pills is fatal)