tonight may be the night

I have felt very ill all weekend, probably from the OD'ing that I have done over this past week, but we are calling it "the stomach flu". I am supposed to go try and get a job tomorrow, and go to an AA meeting with a friend. I just talked to her on the phone, and she is on her way to see a movie and have a good time tonight, and she asked if we were still on tomorrow. I said, "If I wake up". She said, "what does that mean?" I wanted to tell her so badly that I am really in crisis tonight. I just corrected and said, "I mean if I can wake up on time". I have been thinking about it all day, my fool-proof plan that could put an end to this in multiple ways if one fails, and tonight feels like it might be the night to carry it out. I can't deal with the job thing. I can't finish school (I am in grad school), and I wrote my advisor today to tell her that I am majorly depressed and suicidal and just can't do it now. Well, I don't think I can do it ever. I am such a downer and a burden to so many people. I know they'd be sad for awhile (maybe), but to be honest not many people will miss me when I'm gone because not that many people know me. Well, I guess that's enough talking, don't want to make this a big deal. I just wanted to write something to someone who understands. Maybe someone out there will hear me, will believe me (like nobody else does). Nobody will believe the pain I was in until I am actually gone. I just ordered out one of my favorite things to eat, even though I can't keep much down at this point. Thanks for "listening" to me when I couldn't tell anyone else...

 

Just sent you a PM...please meet me in chat if I can help

 

Hey Danielle,sorry your going through such a rough time of it right now.Sounds like your in a really bad place,why not wait and see what response you get from that letter you sent regarding your depression? That's the first step you've made right there,be a shame to give up just now.keep on posting

 

whats your favorite thing to eat? I'm big on homefries... Soooo delish. Hope you're still fighting against this madness.

 

I feel the same way you do right now. I wish that I could comfort you, because I can be very helpful in times of crisis. I can tell you that it can and will get better but just like everyone else, i know i'd be just saying that to make both of us feel better. it is nice to know (although morbid, i know) that someone else is having the same scary feelings out there right now as well. that is a comfort to me. it tells me that i am not completely alone. my boyfriend works late, and i called in to work (day job). He will be home in probably an hour or two and for the last 2 hours i have been thinking of the best way he can find me dead, or not breathing, or bleeding or something because at least then maybe i can go to the hospital involuntarily since i am too scared to go on my own. Im sorry that i seemed to go on rambling. Im sure it does not help, you. I wish we were at least in the same room, then maybe we could just cry a little to let it out, ya know?

 

Thanks, everyone. I'm still here. I bailed on the friend that I was supposed to go to the AA meeting with this morning, and going to try to get the job. She just showed up here! I wasn't sure whether to be angry or sad or what. I figured I had pretty effectively alienated everyone around me except my parents, who won't stop nagging. Well, I asked my friend how the meeting went and she said, "well if you went to the meetings you could stop asking me how they went!" I felt like a little kid being chastised. I had a really bad experience with AA and have not gone to a meeting since. Still sober for five months now. It doesn't mean anything to anyone. Heck my sponsor said I may as well just go get drunk and use again since I wasn't following the program right. It's strange because I spent so long dumping all that alcohol in my system and was so depressed (depressant, duh) that I made multiple suicide attempts nobody ever knew about. I feel worse now then I ever felt when I was drinking.

I saw a new therapist this past Friday and thought maybe she could help. I was so positive then. I feel like that glimmer of hope has left. I don't really think anyone can help me.

Thanks for not giving me the lecture everyone else around me has, texaskitty. I don't really think I deserve to try and get help anymore. My parents have tried so hard to get me help and I don't want to be that burden on them anymore. They shouldn't have to worry about me.

Sadkitten, I am sorry that you are going through so much pain as well. Is your boyfriend understanding of what you are feeling, or does he know? I wish I could cry. I have gotten beyond that point, where I am so numb I don't really feel anything anymore. PM me and maybe we can talk and help each other through this dark period. I know it always has gotten better if I can stick it out through these feelings, but this time feels different, like I'm indifferent even to death. One of my friends, before she gave up on me, said that if I killed myself I would be missing something great. What? I can't hold onto hope for some ambiguous unknown great event that may or may not happen in the future, you know? I really hope that you made it through last night, please let me know how you are doing.

Hey Mark101, I did hear back from my advisor. Her email should have made me feel better because she was actually completely supportive and understanding of depression, and how it's hard to get medications figured out sometimes. She said that she is still supportive of me and proud of me. That actually did make me cry a little, so I guess I can still feel something sometimes. I still feel like she should just give up on me or stay away like everyone else is slowly beginning to do. Nobody wants to be a part of death if they don't have to, right?

lachrymose27, your post actually made me smile despite this. one of my favorite foods, which I ordered out last night, was this sandwich called the caribou from silvermine subs. It is turkey, avocado, double provolone, tomato and sprouts.

Sadeyes, thanks for the support and for chatting last night.

Well, at this point I am not sure what to do. Another day, more hopelessness, and it will get dark again in about 5 and a half hours. That's when the thoughts really envelope me. The thing is, I have everything I need to do this right now, but there's still some little pesky part of me that is holding on to some unknown hope. I wish I could kill it. If I do decide to go through with this and decide at the last minute I changed my mind, it's going to be too late. And nobody will be around to save me. I hate to think of whoever finds me. I wish I could just vanish into thin air, disappear as if I were never here and people can go on with their lives. Everyone around me seems to think I'm just trying to get attention. I feel like they won't believe me until I do it. I want to stop being a joke and what everyone considers a drama queen.

Maybe tonight.

 

I wish that I could have given more support to everyone here like the support that was given me. I wish I could have given more to the entire world I lived in. I think it's too late now.

 

As long as you are still here, its never too late. If you have already taken steps to end it, please call someone for help now. I know you don't want to hear how things will get better, because there is no guarentee of that. But there is also no guarentee that things won't get better. Only time will tell, and I know how slowly time can drag at times, but give yourself that time. We will continue to be supportive of you, and hopefully one day, you will be the one helping someone in the same situation as yours. Hope to see you on here again soon:hug:

 

Been following these posts. Im glad that your still here.