I have felt very ill all weekend, probably from the OD'ing that I have done over this past week, but we are calling it "the stomach flu". I am supposed to go try and get a job tomorrow, and go to an AA meeting with a friend. I just talked to her on the phone, and she is on her way to see a movie and have a good time tonight, and she asked if we were still on tomorrow. I said, "If I wake up". She said, "what does that mean?" I wanted to tell her so badly that I am really in crisis tonight. I just corrected and said, "I mean if I can wake up on time". I have been thinking about it all day, my fool-proof plan that could put an end to this in multiple ways if one fails, and tonight feels like it might be the night to carry it out. I can't deal with the job thing. I can't finish school (I am in grad school), and I wrote my advisor today to tell her that I am majorly depressed and suicidal and just can't do it now. Well, I don't think I can do it ever. I am such a downer and a burden to so many people. I know they'd be sad for awhile (maybe), but to be honest not many people will miss me when I'm gone because not that many people know me. Well, I guess that's enough talking, don't want to make this a big deal. I just wanted to write something to someone who understands. Maybe someone out there will hear me, will believe me (like nobody else does). Nobody will believe the pain I was in until I am actually gone. I just ordered out one of my favorite things to eat, even though I can't keep much down at this point. Thanks for "listening" to me when I couldn't tell anyone else...