You 'think' you know it is the best thing Ace - but how many thousands of times have you thought the other way and had something to live for ?
These meds, maybe coming off some might be the best thing. I see people kind of drawn in with using one med - then another perhaps to sleep, or be awake - then more meds for side effects caused by the meds.
I think camping for a weekend with some weed and whiskey by the camp-fire might do me better, I really do! But not all the time obviously.
But some meds do help - and millions of people look back on their suicide periods as 'new' people almost, only they are just the same but without those negative thoughts spinning around out of control.
I've been in the wilderness that comes with depression - endless days, empty nights - me and myself or me and the Enemy. In some ways the Enemy is me - those parts of me that would be otherwise just memories stored away or feelings not allowed to gain any muscle - such as self loathing, lack of ambition, even the lack of desire for love itself.
Depression gradually reduces our own self defences to nothing - and there comes a point were a person might well have the two paths to take, to the emergency room of the hospital - or towards the end of everything in this world.
Part of you wants to live - and in the process of dying or being near death, that part of you overcomes everything else when you are young, fit and not comatose after some illness in a hospital.
What happens if you 'jump' and realise as you fall that you've discovered reasons to live?
Worse still surviving but being on 24 hr care, unable to move or something.
The hospital is like a small death - just letting go and being cared for by others - taking the meds and just using that time - that is something Ace. You can stay there - and when you come out apply for some help - like I always tell you! Not sure what benefits you are getting but its possible to get a decent amount, enough to pay the bills and eat well. Plus if you were well - you have the option of odd jobs and so on, maybe get a car fixed up and a man with wheels, why, that man is going somewhere!
Stay with us Ace - your a good man and although you are cynical about meds and counselling, its a fact that your in about as bad a state as I've seen you brother. That hurts me also - I don't like seeing you down, I know that you could be a friend to a lot of people and that good things CAN happen to you. Love, a bit of extra cash, work, maybe just feeling good and walking in that green.
Hope you choose the help Ace.
your bro and brother in pharms in England, peacelovingguy
Prayers also.