Tonight was the night.

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Mortal Moon, Jan 25, 2010.

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  1. Mortal Moon

    Mortal Moon Well-Known Member

    Well, I missed my fucking deadline again. I really am pathetic.

    In September, I promised myself I would die in the first week of January. When that rolled around and I still wasn't ready, I moved it up to the 25th. And now that day has come, and I still can't do it.

    Now, you'll read this and assume that I have second thoughts about dying. I do not. It's just that I'm not quite ready to say goodbye to my life yet. I have a few more things I need to get done, and I'm tired of trying to guess how long it'll take and setting timetables for this shit.

    So, no more planned dates of departure. I'm simply not good enough at scheduling to predict something like that. I'm in the process of cleaning my room, setting up my method, putting my mind at ease, and generally wrapping things up around here. These tasks will be done when they're done; I'm not gonna try and play Nostradamus any more.
  2. WildCherry

    WildCherry Staff Member ADMIN

    I know this isn't what you want to hear, but I'm just glad you're still alive.
  3. Mortal Moon

    Mortal Moon Well-Known Member

    I'm glad too. I still have unfinished business here. ;)

    ODIECOM Well-Known Member

    that in its self sounds alot more positive than you did on your first post.

    fear tends to carry alot of weight when thinking about suicide. sure, there have been thousands that have completed their mission to die. i suggest in your new found time, try to get things straightened out.

    best wishes
  5. lightbeam

    lightbeam Antiquities Friend

    I agree with Odiecom. Give yourself time to think through things before acting too hastily.
  6. Mortal Moon

    Mortal Moon Well-Known Member

    If I were the kind to act hastily, I'd be long dead already. I suppose that's a weakness as much as a strength.

    I've been thinking and analyzing and reconsidering all this for several years. In doing so, I've evolved quite a bit; I no longer much resemble myself from four or five years ago. At first, I was a blindly optimistic teenager who glorified the human race and believed in the eventual conquest of death through technology. But a few years ago, seemingly out of nowhere, I became more acutely aware of mortality, understanding for the first time the sorrow of loss and the smallness of life. I cried a lot then, because I realized a fact about my own feelings that shocked my conscience: although it was very sad and painful, I couldn't help but see a subtle happiness in it. There was a beauty there that I couldn't quite identify, but it was of such serene magnificence that I began to covet it.

    This seed of doubt in my previously unshakable love of life and happiness grew into an interest, and thence into a fascination, and thence into an obsession. I read every book and article on death and dying that I could get my hands on. I became enamored with the concept of hospice, and toyed with the idea of volunteering (but never did, due to lack of opportunity and not knowing how others would react). I pondered what, exactly, a good death entails; fantasized about it. I began to wonder if I could, just maybe, enjoy such a death myself. And as all this happened, I gradually withdrew from the life I used to love and fight for.

    Am I insane? Have I merely been entranced by complete falsehood? I am now highly skeptical of the inherent goodness of existence. I used to take it as a given, because it was what I was "supposed" to think. I exist, therefore I must become an advocate of existence. It was a sort of dog-like loyalty; ontological patriotism. But after seeing the "bigness" of this universe, the inherent sorrow and ultimate futility of the realm that we, the living, inhabit, I cannot help but question whether everything really is as we think it is.

    Whew. Where did that rant come from? Oh well. For anyone who actually cares, the foregoing is a somewhat incomplete account of how I became the way I am. I have a lot more to say on that subject, but that's enough for right now.
  7. WildCherry

    WildCherry Staff Member ADMIN

    I hope you'll write more. You have an amazing way with words, of writing and making your words come alive. I like reading what you have to say.
  8. Synesthetic Soul

    Synesthetic Soul Well-Known Member

    I agree with WildCherry, that is lovely. Your writing is on par with many great readings I have read. And I'm not just saying that.

    With that I must say this: I, too, understand your fascination with death. Specifically my death. The main difference being here is that I do not wish to die, I just draw myself dead in differeny ways. So I know where you're coming from. Death is fascinating in it's own right.

    Might I suggest you do a writing? It seems like you know enough in that bright head of yours to write maybe a small book about death. Not for others, but for yourself. I don't know exactly why you want to die, but it seems you have so much more to offer the world and that you shouldn't just "throw it all away" like that. (Please note my quotes.) If you want, feel free to PM me or message me on aim and such. Hope to talk to you more.
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