Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by White Dove, Dec 28, 2008.

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  1. White Dove

    White Dove Well-Known Member

    If i were to die tonight, would it even matter?

    Would anyone even call or come by to check up on me?

    I just might die tonight, really might.????????
  2. hellwithhugewounds

    hellwithhugewounds Well-Known Member

    Hey White Dove.

    Of course you're not leaving me room to answer any of your questions, since I know absolutely nothing about your situation lol.

    But I will say this. You have a choice to make. But whatever you decide to do, the wheels on the bus of your journey will probably keep going round and round. You just have to decide which path to follow. If you choose to live, then tomorrow your life will continue. Time won't wait for you, you'll have to keep up with time, to pick up with all the pieces and keep going. But if you choose to die, do you really know what's going to happen? What will you choose? Uncertainty, or your life as it is now? Suicidal as I am, I know you probably won't choose and maybe even can't choose the 3rd option, to change? I truly don't have a definitive answer for you, my friend. Hope this made you think, hope it helped, whatever help you need :seeyou:
  3. HappyAZaClaM

    HappyAZaClaM Guest

    but, you might not. and yes, it does matter. it may not feel that way,
    but of course it matters. please post again to let us know you are ok.
  4. White Dove

    White Dove Well-Known Member

    but i know what its like on the other side. i have attempted and failed so many times yet for 3 of those attempts i went out of my body into the next diminision.

    it has been 4 long weeks since my brother passed away, he was the only and i mean only other thing/person keeping me here, now he is gone. and i just learned that found and lost 1 has gone and i wonder am i to blame? i was not hear to talk with found i know its my choice but would it even matter to anyone?

    i dont think i really have anyone anymore? i think i am alone, really and truly alone
  5. HappyAZaClaM

    HappyAZaClaM Guest

    *sigh* Gab aka foundandlost had her own personal reasons and I don't
    want to talk about her much except to say it could not possibly be your
    fault. how could it be?

    but then, isn't that what everyone thinks when someone passes? "was it my
    fault?" no. not your fault. not anyones fault. her choice. hers alone to make.
    you may be alone. but you don't have to stay that way.
  6. White Dove

    White Dove Well-Known Member

    i am still here, i guess our posts must have crossed?

    erm, might not what? might not die... no i wont die my body will die but not me..

    you know i am not afraid anymore. really i am not afraid.

    i still feel numb too. i have not really cried all that much since my brother passed away and just be numb and in a daze, dont know really why, cause i loved him.

    i also keep remembering what that preacher i called said to me. i wont name his name online but his intiales are B.B. and he knows who he is. i called him early that morning cause i was hurting badly and B. is susposed to be a suicide person, you know to help stop one from suicide and all, but when i called him he said to me, well its not like he lives right next door to you.etc. as if he just had no care or concern for me whatsoever that my brother had died, just because he did not live next door to me did not in any way mean i did not love him...

    every time i love someone they either move away, dump me, or die... so i am numb, perhaps maybe still in shock? i still remember my niece calling me telling me the ambulance was there to get her dad, i still remember calling the hospital and them not telling me anything, and i still remember her calling me at 1:35 am and telling me that her dad my brother was gone.. it still hurts deeply let i have no tears, i cant bring myself to cry. is it because i am in shock?
  7. HappyAZaClaM

    HappyAZaClaM Guest

    that'd be a good bet. doesn't mean you have to die. so you're not afraid.
    but do you WANT to die? I understasnd the feeling. it terrifies me when
    I come around and find that I am glad I didn't die, or even try to. it's scary
    as hell to be that be that close

    I am still that depressed. but I don't want to die this minute. will deal with the next minute when it comes. is that what you are doing? you must be in
    a way at least. you'res still here, which is a good thing. are you
    completely alone in the world? no relatives left? anything?
  8. White Dove

    White Dove Well-Known Member

    maybe? perhaps? that is why i came here and posted in the suicide area here?

    do i want to die tonight? i dont know what i really want, except to take something and help me sleep and forget about things. if you have not known or not read, well i have an addition, yep i admit it, i am addited to those pm headache pills or whatever you want to call them, everytime at night i have to, just like clockwork, take 2 or 3 of those things to sleep. i cant sleep without them, and its begining to hurt my chest. i know it will only be a matter of months now or weeks or heck like i said above it might just be tonight, that when i take 3 of them, this time it might cause my heart to stop and by the time the ambulance would get here it would be way too late, but do i really want to die? yes and no... confussed? yep so am i. i want to just let go of this stupid life i have where i am totally unloved and where no one cares.

    Family? if you want to call it/them a family. i have a younger brother, that really does not care what happens one way or the other, a niece in florida that litterly jumped onto me when i was down there all because a pastor had called to check up on me and when he had called, it somehow had upset my older brothers wife for some stupid reason. i went to my van and shut the door and just cried, that was the only time i really cried hard when my older brother had passed. friends? not really, no one calls me on the phone, no one comes by my house, no one emails me, and they do know my number and email so that is not a factor.

    other then my older brother who has now passed away and this forum. thats about it.
  9. hellwithhugewounds

    hellwithhugewounds Well-Known Member

    Clam I just wanna say that your posts provoke ALOT of thought. I don't know how you do it. Props :biggrin:

    Dove, it really is a tough situation when the people close to you die. Since you believe there is an afterlife, then what I have to say might help. Consider those close to you who have died and moved on. What do they want? I know that when I planned my suicide i tried my best to leave behind suicide notes sufficient to comfort my parents out of guilt, and into closure. I do this because my worst fears about suicide is that my parents will follow me, and I will follow me in grief. I know that those close to you have those same fears. If you truly believe that we still exist after we die, consider carefully the emotions of those close to you who have passed on. Of course I'm not asking you to live because of this, it's that this should be considered.

    But boy I wish I were as sure as you about this afterlife business. It would make my decision to leave all this crap behind a lot easier :laugh:

    :sf: :sf: :sf:
  10. White Dove

    White Dove Well-Known Member

    you know i have thought about that and i would be with them in the afterlife.

    i miss my mom... i really miss her. i was 15 when she passed away and i want to be with her. Ann from here missed her mom and i think she did it because her mom, so why cant i?

    looks like happy has gotten offline cause his/her light is not lite up but thank you and happy for your replies.

    i am going to get something to help me get to sleep. you all take care and thank you for the replies.


    White Dove
  11. HappyAZaClaM

    HappyAZaClaM Guest

    I have to restart my old coal burning computer every 3 seconds :laugh:

    but, I'm baaaaaaaaaaack! I know what the PM tylenol or whatever things
    are. it's not really an addiction. at least not a terrible one. they have
    benedryl/dphenhydramine in them. makes ya drowsy. also it clears
    up allergies for awhile.

    just keep hangin in there and keep posting. if you want to be with your
    loved ones who have passed on, what is the hurry? if all this stuff about
    God and heaven and everything is true, your loved ones and God
    aint goin nowhere anytime soon.

    sounds like you're havin about no fun right now which sucks. but
    there is no need to rush anything. for what it's worth, I DO know what
    you mean. and, I have more right now to care about. my old mom, all our cats
    my idiot dog, etc...I'm still depressed as hell. but like i said, at the present
    moment, I don't want to check out. how bout you don't either.

    one day at a time. I know, cliches. but it's true. right now is all there is.
    so, sleep for awhile and see how you iz in the AM :smile:

  12. HappyAZaClaM

    HappyAZaClaM Guest

    me neither :blink: but thanks. I hate to see people in pain. it sucks.
    I hate to see me in pain. that REALLY suxks :biggrin: no, not a
    selfish bone in my body. ya believe that? well, a couple maybe.

    I hate that there are homeless animals and people and natural disasters
    and wars and atrocities and I probably have a serious Jesus complex. like
    I'm supposed to be able to stop people from dropping bombs on other peoples heads? I feel like I should be able to do something about all the lonliness and
    heartache in this world. but I really can't. not a thing. I bet I'm really cheering
    you up right now :laugh:

    fuck. really, there is a lot to be said for caring about other people and animals
    and all that warm and fuzzy happy horseshit. I think maybe that's why we are really here. is to take care of one another. so far, as a race, we have
    done a shitty job and I am prolly full of crap. who knows?

    just don't jump tonite and we'll worry about tomorrw tomorrow.
  13. wheresmysheep

    wheresmysheep Staff Alumni

    white dove :hug:
  14. Petal

    Petal SF dreamer Staff Alumni SF Supporter

    Hello Whitedove,

    Of course it would matter. We are here for you :hug:

    What has triggered these feelings? You can overcome them!!
  15. levitated-one

    levitated-one Well-Known Member

    Hi White Dove, glad that you know there's an afterlife since you've visited them. Many on this site doesn't believe in afterlife but they talk as though they know what they're talking's a shame as I tried to explain to them. You seem like a very loving person.. you can try to stay strong, your mom and brother would love you to stay strong for them on Earth, before you meet them again. You are always loved and they're always close by you.. you are always loved and remembered.

    You can chat via personal message if you want.. there are things we could discuss about.. Much love and peace.
  16. HappyAZaClaM

    HappyAZaClaM Guest

    you weren't makin fun of me were ya? :blink:

    oh well, either way. I'm off to check on white dove
  17. HappyAZaClaM

    HappyAZaClaM Guest

    just wondering if you posted yet today. you seem like a night owl.
    maybe you'll be on later ay? :rolleyes:
  18. gentlelady

    gentlelady Staff Alumni

    Susan you have had these same thoughts and feelings since you joined this forum almost 2 years ago. The only difference is you justify your thoughts with different reasons or scenarios. You have always managed to find the strength to continue on and I am hoping this time will be no different. I remember when you were telling us that your cancer would kill you within days. Obviously it didn't as you are still here to post. You have overcome so many obstacles so why let it win now. Maybe the fact that you have survived is a sign that you are not meant to die. Why not put as much effort into finding reasons to live as you do thinking of reasons to die. You may actually begin to feel better.
  19. White Dove

    White Dove Well-Known Member

    well, i am still here, so i guess death eluded me once again.

    i sleep till like 6 pm, but anyhow i am still here, just wanted to log in to let everyone that i am okay at the moment. i have some things to do but will be back on later tonight. i heard from my niece, they plan on bringing my older brothers ashes up here this week, and then we will have the memorial and say our goodbyes to him and let him go. that is what has caused these feelings, really has, but i will be back on later, just got to do some things and did not want anyone worried, lord knows i have worriied enough people as it is.
  20. HappyAZaClaM

    HappyAZaClaM Guest

    thanks for letting us know :smile:
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