tonight

Discussion in 'Self Harm & Substance Abuse' started by MoAnamCara, Jun 2, 2011.

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  1. MoAnamCara

    MoAnamCara SF Artist

    Well I can't believe I'm posting here. For the first time in years I cut tonight. At first the object was blunt which was ok but later I needed more so got a blade and drew blood. It was so relieving at first, pretty spots of red.

    but then i freaked myself out with what id done and had issues stopping the flow.

    Can I trust myself now to not repeat and go back to other safer ways? Or just to stop?

    I'm scared I'm at this point.

    I hate others made me this way and I'm still letting them win.
     
  2. Sadeyes

    Sadeyes Staff Alumni

    Others did not make you this way; and that is important to understand so that you can walk away from SH and find a voice to express the pain you are feeling...it does sound like you were so very hurt...and I am so sorry that happened to you...please talk about what happened; it is a way to help yourself find an alternative...also, PM me if I can help...big hugs, J
     
  3. dazzle11215

    dazzle11215 Staff Alumni

    :hug:

    sorry you are hurting

    let me know how i can help

    feel free to PM or keep posting

    let it all out

    i have taken to writing on myself all the usual places i cut, little affirmations like "you are safe now" or "he can't hurt you anymore" ... whatever i need to hear that day. then when i go to cut, i have to read the affirmation first. it usually calms me down a little. i use a sharpie so it doesn't wash off straight away.

    thinking of you,

    c
     
  4. MoAnamCara

    MoAnamCara SF Artist

    I'm trying so hard not to go there tonight. Am getting numb which isn't good, self preservation perhaps? Am a little scared.

    Thanks to you both for responding.
     
  5. dazzle11215

    dazzle11215 Staff Alumni

    :hug:

    you have suffered enough already

    try to resist. keep writing it out. do what you need to be safe.

    hang on
     
  6. MoAnamCara

    MoAnamCara SF Artist

    Thanks once again Dazzle

    I'm trying, I'm good so far but its "this" time of night onwards that is always the hardest for me.

    The sharpie sounds like a good idea, will invest in some.

    Just getting panicky again, I need to get control, it feels like I'm helpless in a way. Its odd to describe.
     
  7. MoAnamCara

    MoAnamCara SF Artist

    Well I made it this far but tonight something clicked, if that's the right word.

    It's really not them, its me who is to blame.

    I am now disgusted with myself, not only for being blind to this recently but also for giving into temptation.
     
  8. dazzle11215

    dazzle11215 Staff Alumni

    we're only human
    only gentle kindness to yourself
    okay?
    start fresh in the morning
    forgive yourself.

    :hug:
     
  9. MoAnamCara

    MoAnamCara SF Artist

    Dazzle

    I am trying, but this very moment in time I just want to.

    Thank you
     
  10. Enigma73

    Enigma73 Member

    Well this is the first time I have ever posted on SF.....actually this is the first time I have openly and honestly admitted that I would love to leave this World.........I have last cut myself on the wrists about 6 weeks ago and then another time 2 weeks after that.......I do use alcohol every night to try to calm me.....but once I am "calm", I see again all that I "want and need"....but don't have and probably will "never" have.......I just think we are all "slaves" living on this "rock".........being mistreated by each-other and those we thought we could trust......when trust is just an "illusion of bliss, based on ignorance to be happy".

    I am not sure what else to say.....right now....other than I am still here....but would like to have the Fortitude and Strength to "end it".

    Thanks.
    E.
     
  11. MoAnamCara

    MoAnamCara SF Artist

    E - welcome to the forum

    I'm glad you are still with us, it does take strength to continue on and you are doing well.

    Take care.
     
  12. MoAnamCara

    MoAnamCara SF Artist

    so how deep is too deep?

    could i just do this accidentally (on purpose)?

    how pathetic - can't believe I'm sharing these absurd thoughts.

    time to go do something physical and see if that helps this evening.
     
  13. icequeen

    icequeen Well-Known Member

    i empathise with you Mo...todasy is first time i cut proper for ages and i enjoyed every stroke. i am tired of struggling and the numbness and to feel the cold drip of blood makes me feel alive the scars on my arm reminds me i am alive. i feel i am fading fast and cling to what this mortal world offers.


    tak care more hun....look after yourself.
     
  14. MoAnamCara

    MoAnamCara SF Artist

    Please keep clinging Icequeen. :console:
     
  15. Craig

    Craig Banned Member

    I feel that when it comes to avoiding substances and bad habbits we put way too much stock into time. When you hadent cut in a long time it was probably easier to avoid because you wouldent want to ruin that track record wich is great. But after a relapse its too easy to say 'fuck it, I already screwed it up' and indulge. It creates a benge and purge cycle. I think your definatly more at risk now of going down that road again but keep in mind that you have beaten it for so long and you do have the will power to push through.
     
  16. MoAnamCara

    MoAnamCara SF Artist

    I want to, yet I don't. I want to feel, yet I don't. I want to drink too, yet I can't. At least the other choice I can do but trying not to. Tough night.
     
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