Tonights the night

Well thats funny. Right now when I opened this window Ive felt the first twinge of reluctance all day. But any how. Couldnt work today just sat there. And whilst I was sitting there, towards the end of the day I felt a great sense of numbness when it became clear that all doors were now closed to my recovery. Not numbness in a bad way. Just everything became a lot clearer and the simplest of decisions became easier. See normally I would feel incredibly guilty about leaving work early or something like that. Not today. Marched right out of there. Went to the store and bought all the right stuff (no point mentioning it -just get deleted). Hardest part was getting the hose - had to sneak around in the dark and cut a length. Packed all these in a bag and then into the car. Also taking the pills as back up. Theres a nice forresty area about 10mins drive away that wont have much traffic. I feel no need to contact anyone or write a note - something I always thought Id do if it got this far. I do think I might fuck it up, or chicken out. Its possible. If that happend ill be back I guess. See ya

 

Is there anything specific that makes you feel all doors are closed to your recovery? Why today?

 

I know that feeling so well. I felt it, a few weeks ago when my wife told me how much she'd enjoyed her affair. That night, I was hunched over, crying, and then this numbness hit me. It's a bizzarre but almost blissful feeling. There's a point you reach where your sense of responsibility, of any external voice, just cuts off dead, and you sort of feel like you're floating in the middle of an ocean. I wonder if it's the same as when Buddhists talk about nirvana, except we're reaching it by going down instead of up? At the time, I said it felt like all my life there had been a candle inside me, and the flame had just gone out. To say 'dead inside' seems a misnomer, but it's more like - the nearest parallel I can think of is this - that feeling you get when you're really ill, and you're being sick and sick, and then you reach a point where your stomach is perfectly calm, and all the pain you felt a second before is gone. It's like an emotional equivalent of that.

Would you agree with that description at all?

I'm not going to say push through it, or anything like that as I think all of us here realise such words are meaningless. But I felt that feeling about two months ago now, and I've come very close to killing myself twice since then. But, I don't know, maybe if we hang on, something will come along and we'll think 'crap, I can't believe I nearly missed out on that!' I have to say I've not recovered form that feeling, I still can't feel emotions in the way I could before. But, who knows, maybe something will come along, right?

 

hey shock..are you still there?
get yourself to ER asap

I'm from your country and have been to ER at the hospital and they assess you there ..if you tell them the truth about how you feel they can admit you..

I was also told I can call an ambulance if I'm in a bad state and they will take me to the hospital
Please get some more help
we don't want to lose you
*hug*