dont feel like re-typing
[13:09] the sky remains the same as ever: Honestly though, what I've been hiding from for awhile is that I'm not going to last unless something changes dramatically in the world or my life
[13:09] the sky remains the same as ever: This existential depression is slowly killing me
[13:09] the sky remains the same as ever: But this shit just speeds it up
[13:10] the sky remains the same as ever: Thats one of the reasons Ive took a downward turn in around the last year
[13:10] the sky remains the same as ever: Because I realized that there was a clock ticking deep under
[13:10] the sky remains the same as ever: And that forever I had been trying to lie to myself about it
[13:10] sarah: you need to move the fuck away from your family
[13:10] the sky remains the same as ever: Yeah, Ive wanted to, but I guess its hard because nothing will stop that...and I dont believe in god, so...its a long story
[13:12] sarah: your family are fucking you up too much for you to get better
[13:12] the sky remains the same as ever: The fucked up thing is that I cant stop it any more
[13:12] the sky remains the same as ever: I really ironed this shit out
[13:12] the sky remains the same as ever: And while these things hurt, the real driving force behind this is existential
[13:13] sarah: how lon g have you been in therapy for
[13:13] the sky remains the same as ever: Awhile, at least 3-4 years with this one
[13:13] the sky remains the same as ever: Give me a second for me to give you a snapshot, not meaning to be so morbid but I'm still in a bad mood
[13:13] the sky remains the same as ever: Unfortunately I still notice this even when I feel okay
[13:14] sarah: a snapshot?
[13:14] the sky remains the same as ever: Yeah, of what really went on behind all of this
[13:14] the sky remains the same as ever: I figured a lot of things out
[13:15] the sky remains the same as ever: Just figuring out what to say
[13:19] the sky remains the same as ever: Awhile ago I was very depressed
[13:19] the sky remains the same as ever: Im sure Ive told this before but its a different perspective
[13:19] the sky remains the same as ever: I ended up getting 'out of it' with a confidence boost in a way, but I was still running on a huge emotional deficit
[13:20] the sky remains the same as ever: As an extremist problem solver and a 'fighter' I looked deeper into life and everything to find solutions, I only found truths that I didnt like and as I tested them in the real world, they only became more apparent
[13:20] the sky remains the same as ever: I started so deep into nihilism that it completely enveloped me
[13:21] the sky remains the same as ever: I ended up gaining this highly abstract and extremely advanced 'perspective' if you can call it that...but I also worked on myself so much that all my little 'defense' mechanisms went away
[13:21] the sky remains the same as ever: So I ended up completely mentally unshielded with an excessively abstract worldview
[13:21] the sky remains the same as ever: Which basically means that if one thing was wrong, it instantly connected to everything else that was wrong
[13:21] the sky remains the same as ever: Every little thing symbolized a massive failure of humanity
[13:22] the sky remains the same as ever: Obviously this took a huge toll on me, and as I couldnt find people to relate to in real life
[13:22] the sky remains the same as ever: My mental stamina, since I had no one to lean on (especially with this stuff) started to falter
[13:22] the sky remains the same as ever: I saw a collapse coming
[13:22] the sky remains the same as ever: And it came, and I tried to kill myself, but I failed because I was too shaky and became of a strong will to live
[13:23] the sky remains the same as ever: That strong will to live has made things much much more painful because its made me more 'torn'
[13:23] the sky remains the same as ever: This was when I was 17 into 18 I think
[13:23] the sky remains the same as ever: Fast forward awhile, I 'blocked' all of that out but what had really happened
[13:23] the sky remains the same as ever: Was that deep down, I realized I was 'living to die'
[13:23] the sky remains the same as ever: I had become so enveloped in that perspective that it completely took over me
[13:24] the sky remains the same as ever: I started so deep into nihilism that I fell into this gigantic pit.
[13:24] the sky remains the same as ever: This might not make too much logical sense but it's the best that I could do
[13:24] the sky remains the same as ever: When I fell in so deep, nothing mattered anymore. Not to mention that I found the world's general environment extremely toxic, combined with that abstract network thing...which made things completely intolerable, and as a problem solver who wanted to solve the problem, this caused huge tension
[13:25] the sky remains the same as ever: So basically, I was stuck with a situation that was completely intolerable and unable to do anything about it...but I wedged this under the surface
[13:26] the sky remains the same as ever: I realized over time that this was causing me tremendous tension and that I never truly got rid of it (I knew this subconsciously but I desperately tried to hide from it because it hurt so much)
[13:26] the sky remains the same as ever: Furthermore, there are about 10 other things that have me completely stuck in the middle between two options
[13:27] the sky remains the same as ever: An example: this would have been much easier if I was an introverted type of person...most highly abstract thinkers are, I'm not
[13:27] the sky remains the same as ever: So I was stuck with a huge longing to go socialize, but I hated socializing with the people out there
[13:27] the sky remains the same as ever: Not on the surface any more, but deep down
[13:27] the sky remains the same as ever: Anyway, as the 'walls' started to come apart (in part because I emotionally opened up to my girlfriend) I started to realize that the world was a toxic hell
[13:28] the sky remains the same as ever: That I couldnt survive
[13:28] the sky remains the same as ever: That I belonged on another planet, in a different time
[13:28] the sky remains the same as ever: As a different being, even
[13:28] the sky remains the same as ever: And I felt these not as some kind of deluded narcisissm, but as genuine feelings
[13:29] the sky remains the same as ever: And combined with everything else, and the fact that this has some logical truth to it (however most people only see it in a strictly logical sense, not in such an abstract 'absorption' sense)
[13:29] the sky remains the same as ever: That nothing mattered and that we were all ants on a rock
[13:29] the sky remains the same as ever: This made it very hard to just continue day to day
[13:29] the sky remains the same as ever: but I managed
[13:29] the sky remains the same as ever: I started hoping and begging for some god to exist, though I didnt have much hope
[13:29] the sky remains the same as ever: The nihilist philosophy is absolutely deadly to a 'absorbant empath' or whatever I am
[13:29] the sky remains the same as ever: whatever I have become
[13:30] the sky remains the same as ever: I knew that logically it was true, but it was the worst poison
[13:30] the sky remains the same as ever: So I looked for 'god' by praying and praying and praying and never got anything remotely conclusive, and I even tried to put aside my agnosticism a little bit
[13:30] the sky remains the same as ever: The only thing that kept me with a tiny bit of hope is things like buddhism, I think organized religion is BS but im not 100% sure about 'spirituality'
[13:31] the sky remains the same as ever: Anyway, I ended up feeling like I was a being in the wrong body, on the wrong planet, in the wrong time, stuck in a toxic hell I could do nothing about...mind limited by weak body and vessel
[13:31] the sky remains the same as ever: I tried to cope with this for awhile, I dont know how I lasted this long, mostly inertia and numbing myself and shoving it under the surface
[13:31] the sky remains the same as ever: But within the last six months, I realized that if something didnt change, I was going to die
[13:32] the sky remains the same as ever: There was no way to survive
[13:32] the sky remains the same as ever: So I kept looking for the higher power thing and have still been trying, just with the barest spark of hope of something
[13:32] the sky remains the same as ever: but this fucked everything up
[13:32] the sky remains the same as ever: I was hanging on by a wire and this whole thing went to hell, my parents treated me like absolute shit, and all the barriers flooded out
[13:32] the sky remains the same as ever: Now I barely feel like I can last another 3 months
[13:33] the sky remains the same as ever: I think what really got me the most was that the idea that "there is absolutely no solution" just hit very hard
[13:33] the sky remains the same as ever: Im so used to being able to solve any problem
[13:33] the sky remains the same as ever: Im a master at it I would say
[13:33] the sky remains the same as ever: But I couldnt do anything about this...it "didnt compute"
[13:34] the sky remains the same as ever: Its like being stuck in a torture chamber, and no matter what you do, even if it SEEMS like there is some way to get out, there isn't. Youre going to be tortured until your last dying breath
[13:35] sarah: that was intense brian
[13:35] sarah: cant say i understood most of it
[13:35] sarah: but intense
[13:35] the sky remains the same as ever: I will add that this is not state or situation dependent entirely
[13:35] the sky remains the same as ever: Its worse if Im mentally worse off
[13:35] the sky remains the same as ever: But I feel that clock ticking even during the best times
[13:35] the sky remains the same as ever: Yeah, I tried my best. thanks for listening though
[13:36] sarah: i think to fully understand i would have to be in a similar, if not the same, situation
[13:36] the sky remains the same as ever: Thats what I was horrified to learn
[13:36] the sky remains the same as ever: I wanted my girlfriend to relate to me, as well as others
[13:36] the sky remains the same as ever: But I learned that this stuff was so far away from normality
[13:36] the sky remains the same as ever: That theyd have to endure most of this to get it
[13:36] the sky remains the same as ever: And even if I logically accepted it, it killed me
[13:37] sarah: are you still going out with your girlfriend?
[13:38] the sky remains the same as ever: yeah
[13:38] sarah: good
[13:38] the sky remains the same as ever: yeah definitely i was worried she couldnt take it
[13:39] sarah: i found that most of the time, having someone there and just not being a **** was a good enough substitute for someone who could really relate
[13:39] sarah: then again youre going through more intense stuff than i did
[13:40] the sky remains the same as ever: This has left me really disillusioned in a way because when Im more 'okay' it feels very surreal
[13:40] the sky remains the same as ever: "how do I even feel this way, Im just a random guy"
[13:40] the sky remains the same as ever: its almost like a split personality
[13:40] the sky remains the same as ever: "How did this happen"
[13:40] the sky remains the same as ever: I have worked out logically how it did
[13:40] the sky remains the same as ever: But it 'doesnt compute'
[13:41] the sky remains the same as ever: I dont think even my own mind is capable of processing this
[13:41] the sky remains the same as ever: And I think thats why its hurt so much partly
[13:41] the sky remains the same as ever: And why I feel 'human limited'
[13:42] the sky remains the same as ever: i need some ativan or something
[13:43] the sky remains the same as ever: Oh also some old bitch in college tried to embarass me in front of the whole class
[13:43] the sky remains the same as ever: And I went completely ballistic on her
[13:45] sarah: ballistic how
[13:45] the sky remains the same as ever: I cursed her the fuck out
[13:45] sarah: in front of everyone?
[13:45] the sky remains the same as ever: Yep
[13:45] the sky remains the same as ever: I was about to have a panic attack out of anger and this was the only way to defuse
[13:49] sarah: youre an intense man
[13:49] the sky remains the same as ever: This bitch fucked with the wrong guy on the wrong day
[13:49] the sky remains the same as ever: I apologized to the teacher after class lol
[13:50] sarah: she wasnt the teacher was she
[13:50] the sky remains the same as ever: No haha she wouldnt have tried to tell me off
[13:55] sarah: come on msn more often than once a year
[13:56] sarah: youre always very interesting to talk to
[13:56] the sky remains the same as ever: I have come on quite a bit just not recently
[13:56] the sky remains the same as ever: Like last few weeks
[13:56] the sky remains the same as ever: Partly because I got a new computer
[13:56] sarah: oh, timezones then suck
[13:56] the sky remains the same as ever: Yeah though I go to bed real late often
[13:56] sarah: also my msn fucking hates me so i barely go on
[13:56] the sky remains the same as ever: can you get aim
[13:56] sarah: probably, never even looked at it
[13:57] the sky remains the same as ever: yeah just dl it and add me @ drunkbomberpilot
[13:57] the sky remains the same as ever: teenager sn
[13:57] sarah: hah
[13:57] the sky remains the same as ever: I guess I would summarize how I feel these days
[13:57] the sky remains the same as ever: Imagine you are forced to pick between two options
[13:58] the sky remains the same as ever: And each option involves absolutely sickening torture
[13:58] the sky remains the same as ever: Im so stuck in the middle
[13:58] the sky remains the same as ever: I end up getting paralyzed
[13:58] sarah: dracula used to shave the skin of his prisoners' feet, lather them in salt and gets goats to lick them
[13:58] sarah: sorry it popped into my head
[13:59] the sky remains the same as ever: Thats fucking weird
[14:00] sarah: yeah
[14:00] sarah: i guess that summary makes it easier for me to understand
[14:01] sarah: its 4am so i better head off
[14:02] the sky remains the same as ever: yea
[14:03] the sky remains the same as ever: cya
[14:03] sarah: bye brian
not really looking for advice but just wondering by any chance if anyone relates at all cause not many people do, i dont mean the dracula part obviously
[13:09] the sky remains the same as ever: Honestly though, what I've been hiding from for awhile is that I'm not going to last unless something changes dramatically in the world or my life
[13:09] the sky remains the same as ever: This existential depression is slowly killing me
[13:09] the sky remains the same as ever: But this shit just speeds it up
[13:10] the sky remains the same as ever: Thats one of the reasons Ive took a downward turn in around the last year
[13:10] the sky remains the same as ever: Because I realized that there was a clock ticking deep under
[13:10] the sky remains the same as ever: And that forever I had been trying to lie to myself about it
[13:10] sarah: you need to move the fuck away from your family
[13:10] the sky remains the same as ever: Yeah, Ive wanted to, but I guess its hard because nothing will stop that...and I dont believe in god, so...its a long story
[13:12] sarah: your family are fucking you up too much for you to get better
[13:12] the sky remains the same as ever: The fucked up thing is that I cant stop it any more
[13:12] the sky remains the same as ever: I really ironed this shit out
[13:12] the sky remains the same as ever: And while these things hurt, the real driving force behind this is existential
[13:13] sarah: how lon g have you been in therapy for
[13:13] the sky remains the same as ever: Awhile, at least 3-4 years with this one
[13:13] the sky remains the same as ever: Give me a second for me to give you a snapshot, not meaning to be so morbid but I'm still in a bad mood
[13:13] the sky remains the same as ever: Unfortunately I still notice this even when I feel okay
[13:14] sarah: a snapshot?
[13:14] the sky remains the same as ever: Yeah, of what really went on behind all of this
[13:14] the sky remains the same as ever: I figured a lot of things out
[13:15] the sky remains the same as ever: Just figuring out what to say
[13:19] the sky remains the same as ever: Awhile ago I was very depressed
[13:19] the sky remains the same as ever: Im sure Ive told this before but its a different perspective
[13:19] the sky remains the same as ever: I ended up getting 'out of it' with a confidence boost in a way, but I was still running on a huge emotional deficit
[13:20] the sky remains the same as ever: As an extremist problem solver and a 'fighter' I looked deeper into life and everything to find solutions, I only found truths that I didnt like and as I tested them in the real world, they only became more apparent
[13:20] the sky remains the same as ever: I started so deep into nihilism that it completely enveloped me
[13:21] the sky remains the same as ever: I ended up gaining this highly abstract and extremely advanced 'perspective' if you can call it that...but I also worked on myself so much that all my little 'defense' mechanisms went away
[13:21] the sky remains the same as ever: So I ended up completely mentally unshielded with an excessively abstract worldview
[13:21] the sky remains the same as ever: Which basically means that if one thing was wrong, it instantly connected to everything else that was wrong
[13:21] the sky remains the same as ever: Every little thing symbolized a massive failure of humanity
[13:22] the sky remains the same as ever: Obviously this took a huge toll on me, and as I couldnt find people to relate to in real life
[13:22] the sky remains the same as ever: My mental stamina, since I had no one to lean on (especially with this stuff) started to falter
[13:22] the sky remains the same as ever: I saw a collapse coming
[13:22] the sky remains the same as ever: And it came, and I tried to kill myself, but I failed because I was too shaky and became of a strong will to live
[13:23] the sky remains the same as ever: That strong will to live has made things much much more painful because its made me more 'torn'
[13:23] the sky remains the same as ever: This was when I was 17 into 18 I think
[13:23] the sky remains the same as ever: Fast forward awhile, I 'blocked' all of that out but what had really happened
[13:23] the sky remains the same as ever: Was that deep down, I realized I was 'living to die'
[13:23] the sky remains the same as ever: I had become so enveloped in that perspective that it completely took over me
[13:24] the sky remains the same as ever: I started so deep into nihilism that I fell into this gigantic pit.
[13:24] the sky remains the same as ever: This might not make too much logical sense but it's the best that I could do
[13:24] the sky remains the same as ever: When I fell in so deep, nothing mattered anymore. Not to mention that I found the world's general environment extremely toxic, combined with that abstract network thing...which made things completely intolerable, and as a problem solver who wanted to solve the problem, this caused huge tension
[13:25] the sky remains the same as ever: So basically, I was stuck with a situation that was completely intolerable and unable to do anything about it...but I wedged this under the surface
[13:26] the sky remains the same as ever: I realized over time that this was causing me tremendous tension and that I never truly got rid of it (I knew this subconsciously but I desperately tried to hide from it because it hurt so much)
[13:26] the sky remains the same as ever: Furthermore, there are about 10 other things that have me completely stuck in the middle between two options
[13:27] the sky remains the same as ever: An example: this would have been much easier if I was an introverted type of person...most highly abstract thinkers are, I'm not
[13:27] the sky remains the same as ever: So I was stuck with a huge longing to go socialize, but I hated socializing with the people out there
[13:27] the sky remains the same as ever: Not on the surface any more, but deep down
[13:27] the sky remains the same as ever: Anyway, as the 'walls' started to come apart (in part because I emotionally opened up to my girlfriend) I started to realize that the world was a toxic hell
[13:28] the sky remains the same as ever: That I couldnt survive
[13:28] the sky remains the same as ever: That I belonged on another planet, in a different time
[13:28] the sky remains the same as ever: As a different being, even
[13:28] the sky remains the same as ever: And I felt these not as some kind of deluded narcisissm, but as genuine feelings
[13:29] the sky remains the same as ever: And combined with everything else, and the fact that this has some logical truth to it (however most people only see it in a strictly logical sense, not in such an abstract 'absorption' sense)
[13:29] the sky remains the same as ever: That nothing mattered and that we were all ants on a rock
[13:29] the sky remains the same as ever: This made it very hard to just continue day to day
[13:29] the sky remains the same as ever: but I managed
[13:29] the sky remains the same as ever: I started hoping and begging for some god to exist, though I didnt have much hope
[13:29] the sky remains the same as ever: The nihilist philosophy is absolutely deadly to a 'absorbant empath' or whatever I am
[13:29] the sky remains the same as ever: whatever I have become
[13:30] the sky remains the same as ever: I knew that logically it was true, but it was the worst poison
[13:30] the sky remains the same as ever: So I looked for 'god' by praying and praying and praying and never got anything remotely conclusive, and I even tried to put aside my agnosticism a little bit
[13:30] the sky remains the same as ever: The only thing that kept me with a tiny bit of hope is things like buddhism, I think organized religion is BS but im not 100% sure about 'spirituality'
[13:31] the sky remains the same as ever: Anyway, I ended up feeling like I was a being in the wrong body, on the wrong planet, in the wrong time, stuck in a toxic hell I could do nothing about...mind limited by weak body and vessel
[13:31] the sky remains the same as ever: I tried to cope with this for awhile, I dont know how I lasted this long, mostly inertia and numbing myself and shoving it under the surface
[13:31] the sky remains the same as ever: But within the last six months, I realized that if something didnt change, I was going to die
[13:32] the sky remains the same as ever: There was no way to survive
[13:32] the sky remains the same as ever: So I kept looking for the higher power thing and have still been trying, just with the barest spark of hope of something
[13:32] the sky remains the same as ever: but this fucked everything up
[13:32] the sky remains the same as ever: I was hanging on by a wire and this whole thing went to hell, my parents treated me like absolute shit, and all the barriers flooded out
[13:32] the sky remains the same as ever: Now I barely feel like I can last another 3 months
[13:33] the sky remains the same as ever: I think what really got me the most was that the idea that "there is absolutely no solution" just hit very hard
[13:33] the sky remains the same as ever: Im so used to being able to solve any problem
[13:33] the sky remains the same as ever: Im a master at it I would say
[13:33] the sky remains the same as ever: But I couldnt do anything about this...it "didnt compute"
[13:34] the sky remains the same as ever: Its like being stuck in a torture chamber, and no matter what you do, even if it SEEMS like there is some way to get out, there isn't. Youre going to be tortured until your last dying breath
[13:35] sarah: that was intense brian
[13:35] sarah: cant say i understood most of it
[13:35] sarah: but intense
[13:35] the sky remains the same as ever: I will add that this is not state or situation dependent entirely
[13:35] the sky remains the same as ever: Its worse if Im mentally worse off
[13:35] the sky remains the same as ever: But I feel that clock ticking even during the best times
[13:35] the sky remains the same as ever: Yeah, I tried my best. thanks for listening though
[13:36] sarah: i think to fully understand i would have to be in a similar, if not the same, situation
[13:36] the sky remains the same as ever: Thats what I was horrified to learn
[13:36] the sky remains the same as ever: I wanted my girlfriend to relate to me, as well as others
[13:36] the sky remains the same as ever: But I learned that this stuff was so far away from normality
[13:36] the sky remains the same as ever: That theyd have to endure most of this to get it
[13:36] the sky remains the same as ever: And even if I logically accepted it, it killed me
[13:37] sarah: are you still going out with your girlfriend?
[13:38] the sky remains the same as ever: yeah
[13:38] sarah: good
[13:38] the sky remains the same as ever: yeah definitely i was worried she couldnt take it
[13:39] sarah: i found that most of the time, having someone there and just not being a **** was a good enough substitute for someone who could really relate
[13:39] sarah: then again youre going through more intense stuff than i did
[13:40] the sky remains the same as ever: This has left me really disillusioned in a way because when Im more 'okay' it feels very surreal
[13:40] the sky remains the same as ever: "how do I even feel this way, Im just a random guy"
[13:40] the sky remains the same as ever: its almost like a split personality
[13:40] the sky remains the same as ever: "How did this happen"
[13:40] the sky remains the same as ever: I have worked out logically how it did
[13:40] the sky remains the same as ever: But it 'doesnt compute'
[13:41] the sky remains the same as ever: I dont think even my own mind is capable of processing this
[13:41] the sky remains the same as ever: And I think thats why its hurt so much partly
[13:41] the sky remains the same as ever: And why I feel 'human limited'
[13:42] the sky remains the same as ever: i need some ativan or something
[13:43] the sky remains the same as ever: Oh also some old bitch in college tried to embarass me in front of the whole class
[13:43] the sky remains the same as ever: And I went completely ballistic on her
[13:45] sarah: ballistic how
[13:45] the sky remains the same as ever: I cursed her the fuck out
[13:45] sarah: in front of everyone?
[13:45] the sky remains the same as ever: Yep
[13:45] the sky remains the same as ever: I was about to have a panic attack out of anger and this was the only way to defuse
[13:49] sarah: youre an intense man
[13:49] the sky remains the same as ever: This bitch fucked with the wrong guy on the wrong day
[13:49] the sky remains the same as ever: I apologized to the teacher after class lol
[13:50] sarah: she wasnt the teacher was she
[13:50] the sky remains the same as ever: No haha she wouldnt have tried to tell me off
[13:55] sarah: come on msn more often than once a year
[13:56] sarah: youre always very interesting to talk to
[13:56] the sky remains the same as ever: I have come on quite a bit just not recently
[13:56] the sky remains the same as ever: Like last few weeks
[13:56] the sky remains the same as ever: Partly because I got a new computer
[13:56] sarah: oh, timezones then suck
[13:56] the sky remains the same as ever: Yeah though I go to bed real late often
[13:56] sarah: also my msn fucking hates me so i barely go on
[13:56] the sky remains the same as ever: can you get aim
[13:56] sarah: probably, never even looked at it
[13:57] the sky remains the same as ever: yeah just dl it and add me @ drunkbomberpilot
[13:57] the sky remains the same as ever: teenager sn
[13:57] sarah: hah
[13:57] the sky remains the same as ever: I guess I would summarize how I feel these days
[13:57] the sky remains the same as ever: Imagine you are forced to pick between two options
[13:58] the sky remains the same as ever: And each option involves absolutely sickening torture
[13:58] the sky remains the same as ever: Im so stuck in the middle
[13:58] the sky remains the same as ever: I end up getting paralyzed
[13:58] sarah: dracula used to shave the skin of his prisoners' feet, lather them in salt and gets goats to lick them
[13:58] sarah: sorry it popped into my head
[13:59] the sky remains the same as ever: Thats fucking weird
[14:00] sarah: yeah
[14:00] sarah: i guess that summary makes it easier for me to understand
[14:01] sarah: its 4am so i better head off
[14:02] the sky remains the same as ever: yea
[14:03] the sky remains the same as ever: cya
[14:03] sarah: bye brian
not really looking for advice but just wondering by any chance if anyone relates at all cause not many people do, i dont mean the dracula part obviously