too alone for too long

Discussion in 'Rants, Musings and Ideas' started by UndergroundMan, Sep 13, 2008.

  1. possible triggers below

    The only friends I have are people I've met online. But they all live on the other side of the country. I have social anxiety and am completely useless when meeting people in person (please, don't offer advice on how to deal with this, I've heard it all), and am intimidated by people who are socially 'normal'. So the internet is all I have. I have two friends, and two people I'm writing to but the correspondences just started so I wouldn't call them friends yet. As for the two who are my friends, I don't know what I'd do without them. They are my only real link with life outside my house. (I did have three friends, but one decided to ditch me).

    But as much as I care for them, and no matter how much they care about me, I still feel alone because I'll never have a relationship in person. For some reason, no one I've met online lives near me, or those who do have no interest in befriending me. Just having a friend or two to hang out with would be nice, but saddest of all is the lack of a romantic relationship. I'm not saying that I'm suicidal because I haven't met the love of my life. But it would be nice to have a relationship of some kind with a woman, something that goes past friendship even if it's not "WOW, we're so perfect for each other, let's go get married right now!!!" And I don't mean 'friends with benefits' because that sounds too shallow. Although I'm not really in a place to be choosy. I just wish there was a woman out there who liked me, who wants to get to know me and wants me for more than just conversation and because I'm "such a good listener."

    That's never really happened, and frankly I don't believe it ever will. But it's the one thing I've wanted most in life, and I can't just stop wanting to be loved... I've tried, but this need is too deeply ingrained in me, too much a part of me to get rid of. I hate talking about this, because it sounds so pathetic... whining because I don't have a girlfriend, and never have, and never will. I'm afraid that five years ago, I was optimistic enough and active enough to attract a woman by my personality, but I have no friends and no job and have been isolated for so long, I'm afraid there's nothing left of me to offer a woman.

    I just don't understand why my life turned out this way, why I've been so alone for so long. And maybe it's been too long, because I'm really losing hope. I don't really have much else that I want in life... I have hobbies, I live in a beautiful place, there's really no job that I would enjoy doing so much that it would fill any of the emptiness I live with. I don't know what I'm saying anymore. I'm just too lonely and I'm so tired of living like this, waking up every morning to the struggle with anxiety and depression, while I just get older and older and everything, even something as simple as going to the store, gets harder and harder. Any time things look like they are about to change I let myself hope, then things go badly and I get hurt, all because I so easily allow hope into my life. But I can't hold onto it when there is no reason to, when nothing in my life has gone right when nothing I do to try to change things works. Everything I do ends up in failure and I have to start all over, and I just can't do it anymore. All I feel is heartache and pain, and it's never going to stop, it's just going to be like this until I get fed up with it and put an end to it. For the life of me, I don't know why I'm still alive now as it is, and I know I'm not going to kill myself in the near future... but I don't want to live like this for another year, I'm so worn out and broken, and I don't see any relief this side of death. I really, really don't.
  2. Eric

    Eric Well-Known Member

    From the looks of it, you're obviously over 21. I'm single as well although I've had my share of....friends with benefits, unfortunately.

    I'm 18 so I can't say I know what you're going through, but getting a job would definitely be a good first step. Reason? You get to meet people when you work. In fact, by default, you'll have to meet people and socialize with them, possibly making new friends.

    As far as love goes...finding a woman who likes you is a bitch. Don't get frustrated if you don't find one soon; I, for one, have been desperate to have female companionship at times. I've learned that I should stop paying attention to that aspect of my life because women will come with time. Focus on getting a job, meeting people, making friends, and expanding your social circle to meet more people, and hopefully, a girl that likes you for who you are.