That sums it up, I suppose, even though I doubt that many of the tasks are accomplished. In short, it's one of those days that I wish Sept 25 had gone differently, that my Plan A had succeeded, or even Plan B. It's one of those days when I wish I had kept my "Emergency Exit" kit, instead of disposing of it during one of my good days. Not that I would use it today, but it was a comfort to know the option was there. If I was serious about dying today, I'm sure I could improvise something effective. So here I am, on the other side of a thread. Sorry if I disappoint those who told me I was doing good - to be honest, I don't even know what that means. I had lunch with one of my "safety team" the other day, one who could fill out a short form, and have me picked up for a 96 hour evaluation hold.And I was honest with him, that I can't see myself in 5 years without my wife, I can't see myself tomorrow without her. In fact, of all the factors that led to my attempts, they are all still in place. Right now, the only thing between me and another attempt is the guilt that I've received from my family.I can see at some point, that it could become ineffective. To be honest, for over 500 days, I fought the urge to join my wife.Maybe I expected too much, but something like "How long have you felt this way? And you haven't acted on it? That's an accomplishment, What can we do to help?' instead of "call us before you do anything stupid" Got some of that when I pounded my bedroom door till it splintered and my knuckles bruised and swollen Maybe someone reading this will be someone I posted in their thread. Sometimes there are mood swings. But I will stand behind anything I said - This IS a good place, a safe place, You can post what you need, without being criticized or condemed We are a community which cares, and we support each other. And for anyone new reading this, sometimes we struggle, I don't think anyone gets off as easy as 'Follow the yellow brick road"