Too busy to Die Today

Discussion in 'Help Me! I Need to Talk to Someone.' started by 1Lefty, Mar 4, 2012.

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  1. 1Lefty

    1Lefty Well-Known Member

    That sums it up, I suppose, even though I doubt that many of the tasks are accomplished. In short, it's one of those days that I wish Sept 25 had gone differently, that my Plan A had succeeded, or even Plan B. It's one of those days when I wish I had kept my "Emergency Exit" kit, instead of disposing of it during one of my good days. Not that I would use it today, but it was a comfort to know the option was there. If I was serious about dying today, I'm sure I could improvise something effective.

    So here I am, on the other side of a thread. Sorry if I disappoint those who told me I was doing good - to be honest, I don't even know what that means.
    I had lunch with one of my "safety team" the other day, one who could fill out a short form, and have me picked up for a 96 hour evaluation hold.And I was honest with him, that I can't see myself in 5 years without my wife, I can't see myself tomorrow without her. In fact, of all the factors that led to my attempts, they are all still in place. Right now, the only thing between me and another attempt is the guilt that I've received from my family.I can see at some point, that it could become ineffective. To be honest, for over 500 days, I fought the urge to join my wife.Maybe I expected too much, but something like "How long have you felt this way? And you haven't acted on it? That's an accomplishment, What can we do to help?' instead of "call us before you do anything stupid" Got some of that when I pounded my bedroom door till it splintered and my knuckles bruised and swollen

    Maybe someone reading this will be someone I posted in their thread. Sometimes there are mood swings. But I will stand behind anything I said -
    This IS a good place, a safe place,
    You can post what you need, without being criticized or condemed
    We are a community which cares, and we support each other.

    And for anyone new reading this, sometimes we struggle, I don't think anyone gets off as easy as 'Follow the yellow brick road"
     
  2. IV2010

    IV2010 Well-Known Member

    I for one am glad you're too busy to die today...you are a much needed part of our family here
    and have helped me many times with your comments

    I think 500 days of fighting this damned illness is an amazing accomplishment but those that haven't ''been there''
    don't 'get it'
    there's going to be bad days unfortunately Lefty...I so wish there wasn't but the thing is to hold on until they pass
    I'm pleased you're reaching out here and hope it offers some comfort to know you're not alone with your struggle *hugs*
     
  3. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    wow hun so glad you got in with your safety team I am also glad you got rid of you exiting device Keep your family close to you hun okay It is the only reason why i am still here. I just cant seem to harm them by leaving. Yes the roller coaster rides of days we cope and not will always be there i think but coming here does help so much. It has help me in that like you said we can post and not be judged hugs to you
     
  4. WildCherry

    WildCherry Staff Member ADMIN

    I've never spoken to you directly, but I've seen a lot of your posts. And I'm glad you're still here. I know it's a daily struggle... more like hourly. But the fact that you're still alive and still fighting, is something to be proud of, even if it's hard to feel proud when you're feeling so bad.
     
  5. Sadeyes

    Sadeyes Staff Alumni

    It is so important to share this with us...no one expects you to be all good, and hide these feelings...please know that many of us are here for you and that we can be a part of your safety plan as well.
     
  6. 1Lefty

    1Lefty Well-Known Member

    Just another day
     
  7. FrainBart

    FrainBart Staff Alumni

    I am so sorry you feel so low, and how much you are missing your wife, but would she want you to feel so bad, :hug: I read your thread in the loved and lost forum, and she sounds so wonderful, and how happy she made you. Bad times like these is when you need. To. Hold on tightly to those memories. I really hope that you will be OK hun. You are a wonderful person, and I really hope you find some happiness soon.
     
  8. 1Lefty

    1Lefty Well-Known Member

    I don't know where my manners are, but thank you for the responses,

    A lot of what's happened over the last month is frustration with the mood swings. No physical changes - meds, foods, etc. No changes in activities, but over a 6-7 day period, I'll edge my way up from 1 1/2 (scale of 10) to a 3, (one day even a 5, that was the day I dumped my stuff)without having any idea of why its happened. Then I just drop, back to the 1 1/2 range again, and with no reason. The randomness frustrates me, I know people can't always predict their moods, but a little consistency would be nice.

    Yes, part of it is missing Alesia, and I think that's probably permanent, and I'm between two trigger dates, but I've been through several of those. If I'm destined to live at 1.5 (the Buddha said all life is suffering)
     
  9. Anneinside

    Anneinside Well-Known Member

    I can understand your feelings of not being able to go on without your wife. My daughter, Serena, and only child died when she was 16 1/2. Time does make it better but doesn't get rid of the loss. On her birthday and the anniversary of her death I always buy her flowers. In the winter I keep them and in the summer I leave them at a memorial for children in town. I am too far away to leave flowers at her grave. On those days and the days, sometimes weeks, around these dates I cry. Even though I have attempted suicide when severely depressed, what keeps me going most of the time is that I remember her life better than anyone else so I need to live to keep her memories alive.
     
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