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too busy to seek help

blueskyx

Active Member
#1
i had history of seeing counsellors due to anxiety. but i stopped bc i thought i was doing fine. i really thought i was doing fine, so in uni i took a lot of committee work alongside my assignment, and im also a freelance writer and finally landed in writing job. i thought everything was fine. but i know ive been building up the stress, i tried to ignore it. until yesyesterday my friend joked around saying i was too close to her, and i almost lashed out, almost shouted at her on how i endured when she came close to my personal space yet she had the guts to say im too close to her. i know its a bad and petty thing to get mad about, but i really usually dont get mad over these. thankfully, we were at small live performance in uni (it was just a small university club gathering with few live performances, but me and my friend were talking to each other and didnt pay attention to the performance) and just when i was about to shout at her, the performance ended and everyone clapped so our attention went towards the performer. I finally realized how i was about to make a scene over such small thing. after that, i thought thing was a bit awkward between the two of us, and when we were about to go home suddenly i was out of breath, my mind was everywhere and i thought i was going to cry. my friends asked me if i was ok, i told them idk what happened to me, maybe i was just tired.

i went back to my room after that (i live with several housemates but im not rlly close to them so i always consider myself as living alone). suddenly my mind was all over the place again, and idk what to do. i never really trusted myself to talk to anyone i know abt my mental health. usually i would go to this forum or any other anonymous place to vent, but at that time i really dont know what to do. so i called an emotional support hotline. i was feeling well during the call as someone finally heard me out, but the call got cut off halfway bc i was running out of data and i didnt feel like calling back. i thought i was ok after i talked it out...

then my friend texted me abt something trivial and it annoyed me so much. im usually the type who likes to joke around, but idk why im sensitive sometimes. And its not normal annoyance. its the type of frustration that makes me feel like im losing myself. idk what to do. i saw my cutting knife, the one i use for my arts and craft (one of my hobbies). I used to cut before, was avid cutter few years ago then stopped, then cut again earlier this year but immediately regret it. I really thought i wouldnt go back. but... i cut myself again, after being clean for a while.

and earlier it happened again. i needed to finish my article for my part time job as freelance writer (i missed few days of deadline due to uni work so i had to rush), and after that i needed to study for exam on monday. But my mind felt like i was rushing. I couldnt concentrate. I tried to write in my journal, but nothing came to my mind that i ended up scribbling gibberish. Really, I usually would be able to write my thoughts whenever I have anxiety, but I realy couldn’t write anything and could only scribble with frustration. I cut myself bc i really dont know what to else to do. I want to cry, but couldnt. It happened for quite a while. After that, i just lay down on bed. I felt like getting something sweet few hours later, so I went down my apartment at midnight and bought ice cream and chocolates, tried writing in my journal again and finally able to write down sentences. Then I proceeded with my writing and studying.

honestly idk what to do. i already scheduled an appointment with my uni counsellor, but she havent replied yet since its the weekend. I also want to do it as soon as possible. I feel like all of these are killing my everyday tasks. I still have exams, bunch of reports, assignments, club committee work etc etc to do. I initially thought I don’t need help for now since I’m soooooo busyyy but after the call, I feel like I need help. But it’s only getting worst, idk what to do..... I really could only go here bc I don’t know where else to vent. There was this one time I had these episodes few years ago, I cut myseld so much I bleed a lot and I took three pills I found hoping to overdose myself (thankfully I didn’t), and I feel like my irrational thoughts want me to do that again. But I don’t want to die. I have lots of things to do...

I need advice on what to do. :(
 

total eclipse

SF Friend
Staff Alumni
#2
Coming here venting was a good thing letting go of some of the build up emotion here helps. Is there not anyone at the university on the weekend you can talk too. I would also see if you can decrease some of your work load as it seems you are getting overwhelmed with such a busy schedule. You need to slow down some wherever you can.
 

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