Too Cold...

Discussion in 'Mental Health Disorders' started by Will, Dec 31, 2006.

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  1. Will

    Will Staff Alumni

    It's very cold, and I can sometimes find it hard to just move. Hard to just breathe...sometimes I find myself even with a little shortness of breath. I am slowly running to the end of my cord. I stare into nothingness sometimes, and I lose all memory of what I was doing, what I was going to do...what just happened...

    I'm lost, and I'm alone. Yet I'm conscious, I know where I am, and I am not alone. Both things at once, simply one is reality and one is emotional. Though I guess which one really effects me is either. I'm not pulled between either, but I'm not bound to one.

    To be honest, I'm tired of living and I don't really have a reason to be here :(. No purpose in life, and I don't have any promising things. I'm...really pathetic.

    I'm here, so alone. I'm in alot of pain, and I can't really dodge it. I can't move. I'm too distant, and I don't have any life. I'm repeating the same thing, just different words. And the more I say, the more I want to delete it. Less needs to be said about me. I hate myself...I can't even say a thing anymore...

    I'm always alone. Every time someone even talks to me, apparently I just bore them or something. I know that I'm a slightly darker personality, and I am short of words. But depending whether or not I'm pretending to be normal, or not.

    I can pretend, too well, I know how to prepare for anything, and am sadly a very good liar :(. If I use a fake personality, try to be cheery or even happy, seems to me like more people like that...and actually talk to me. All that proves is that me, the personality I was born with is obviously 'wrong'.

    I'm not going to change, but I do reach a conclusion that in order to be happy, I have to pretend to be like everyone else. My life, my thoughts, are valueless, and never had value. They will never be seen or heard of. If anything it sounds to me like I'd be something the world would toss away, because I, my life, and everythig attached to it are valueless.

    Heh...

    What is love? What is friendship? What is life? What is happiness?

    I know the answers to these questions, yet the absence of them is what hurts. Maybe if my heart wasn't weighing me down, I'd be fine, but I guess I need some sort of social-ness in my life, or else I will die.

    Not that I shouldn't, I hate myself anyway. Would do me and the world a favor. If I can keep my mind occupied, I am distracted from the pain.

    But that in itself is just running. What use is it? The pain is always there, and it's never going away. I can just keep running, and try and survive. My life is still pathetic. And it will only catch up to me, I am so weak, I cannot get away.

    It's what self-harm is, a distraction. It's what addiction is, to anything, a distraction. What are you running from? What am I running from?

    Maybe it's reality, maybe it's just not worth living anymore. Sadly I know that the more I type, I feel as if I'm not even here. I've noticed long posts do not get responses very much.

    Not that I'm asking for everyone to, I'm not asking anyone to. It's not a cry for help, I think I don't really have a reason to post, other then just crying my pain out. I used to cry. I can't anymore. I just sit, lifeless now.

    Don't you love it that I change subjects so frequently? Nobody probably knows what the hell I'm talking about, yet I know after this, they will say that they do, and I'm like everyone else.

    Whether or not it be true, I'm not asking for proof, or anything of the sort to say that I am the same. But the way the I feel is that I don't really have any connection. Doesn't matter if I'm the same or not, I'm not here.

    Guess at this point, it's a little difficult to respond, huh? That's okay. I appreciate anyone who reads this. I hate wasting people's time, but you're doing that by listening to me. You always will be...

    I'm helpless, and I don't have a life. And I can live my two way life, keep running that long track. There's no getting off of it. Unless you die. Eternal piece, it's a permanent solution. Sometimes a temporary problem isn't temporary.

    Who's going to fix it? Time? People? What happens when both are non-existant in a person's life? Or maybe you could just say this is a phase. Maybe I'm just another teenager who knows nothing of the world.

    I'm not angry. And it's understandable if someone thinks that. But it's easy to see, that I'm only immature by tossing out these assumptions at readers, and given they are this far (trying to say I'm not worth reading, not to insult members here) they probably are even a little offended.

    I'm deeply sorry-I can't communicate. I really can't.

    The more I try and fix things, I look around, my life is still the same. I'm still alone, and my heart is still broken, I'm still in pain, this blood is still on my hands, my life is still the same empty that it's always been.

    Is this really a temporary problem? Is it, really, think about it for a moment. Temporary can be a few different lengths of time, but come on, people who have lived with depression for years and years, who can say that's temporary?

    Depression is our mind's cancer. Sure you can make it, but who's to say that it's always fixable?

    Maybe death is the more humane way to cure it. Not that I encourage suicide, I'm all against it, to protect others. And I do not intend to violate the rules, and I'm not encouraging suicide, incase I have, I apologize.

    Who can really say that this is a temporary problem?

    Who can give us a reason to live?

    Who's got that magic cure that'll bring us through the storm?


    Who's going to bring something OTHER then a temporary solution to a permanent problem?

    No, you don't have to answer. No one does. But I thank you for reading, and I'm sorry for wasting your time with this post.
     
  2. Raven

    Raven Guest

    First off your not wasting anyones time with this post. I know a lot of people that good at wearing masks in their everyday life, I think for some of us it is a way to survive in a society that does not understand nor care. Do not think you are lying for to say, I know if someone asked me how my day was going and I told them I just wanted to sit in front of my computer drink a full bottle of vodka crank up the music and cut away they would lock me up for good. Do not think just because you have to put on this mask to interact with society that your true personality is worthless, I think most people we talk to have that same mask on and few people truly saw what is in their heart.

    “I'm not going to change, but I do reach a conclusion that in order to be happy, I have to pretend to be like everyone else. My life, my thoughts, are valueless, and never had value. They will never be seen or heard of. If anything it sounds to me like I'd be something the world would toss away, because I, my life, and everything attached to it are valueless.”

    This is what truly struck me about your post, I know exactly where it is you are coming from, I would label myself a dormer in a sense that I believe we are heading for a cliff of shorts in the life we have chosen to live, that the environmental, social damage etc is going to come back and bite us in the butt. I try to explain to people why and all I get is that deer in the headlights look followed by the fact I must be a crazy loon and totally off my rocker. Its hard to deal with friends and family they seem not to care about what I think is important, what my values are etc. Fun living in a society that tells you that you should be out their spending your time shopping, working, helping the economy and if you think different then us then you’re a deftest. (sorry about the rant I just want you to understand I truly feel where your coming from here) and will my values are probably different I know what is like to think they are and be told my thoughts are worthless.

    Don't you love it that I change subjects so frequently? Nobody probably knows what the hell I'm talking about, yet I know after this, they will say that they do, and I'm like everyone else.

    I find following your post pretty easy, of course I do the same thing and most people in my department do as well, we can start talking about getting breakfast and end up talking about video games the next and jump right over to what idiots some of our co-workers are all while working on something else. Hell most people I talk to seem to get lost in the fog after a couple minuets chouse I can’t stay on the same topic for long.

    I really wish I had some of the answers that you ask, I would love them for myself as well, living a lie is hard to do. To feel one way and have to act another to stay in the good graces of humanity and the social herd around us. I think the main difference between the way I see the world and yours is that I have truly lost faith that things or people can change and somewhere deep in your heart you still have that hope. You still wish to find a place in this world where I have just accepted that I will be an outsider forever without ever truly trying again.

    I can tell you this at least, your values, your idols are yours and they are not worthless, they are yours and if the rest of the world does not agree that is their problem, please do not simply try to fit in with the herd of people (theirs enough people simply trying to follow the next) you sound like someone that thinks outside of the normal and maybes its dark, maybe your not the most upper person to be around but from what I have read in this post you seem to be a good honest person at heart.

    I am not sure if any of this helps but I hope it does, thanks the time for writing it, sorry for going off topic and my little rants.

    ~Raven
     
  3. Allo..

    Allo.. Well-Known Member

    I don't know what to say..
     
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