Too Deep. (Trig. Very.)

Discussion in 'Self Harm & Substance Abuse' started by altek001, Dec 12, 2006.

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  1. altek001

    altek001 Well-Known Member

    Well, as the title suggests, I'm to the point where I've had my first 'too deep' cut. (I only have two lines I cut. I don't do many at the surface..I only have been delving deep. I do it in the shower, so it can get cleaned out as I go and thus clean-up is almost-nonexistent.

    ..doing what's become a morning ritual...soap, scrub, shampoo, shave...cut.

    This morning before work I was cutting the one on my right side (1 left, 1 right) and as I was I felt a quick sting and a quick drip forming...way faster than ever before. That scared me so I stopped that one and got out the shower, put my little rainbow bandaid on it as usual and didn't think more of it.

    *this is where things begin to get worse*
    I had been at work for about an hour, when I look down and see two red lines. I wondered why they were showing up on my SHIRT and pulled it up.

    My pants looked something out of a war movie. The right-front of them were gooey, warm, red and wet. I started freaking out. This wasn't supposed to happen...especially at soon as I realized what was going on, a person in my store asked me to go and help them...

    ...I don't think I've ever talked that quietly..or worked the register so quickly just to get them out of there. I started holding a bag in front of it to hide it from all the customers...though before I did that, this one guy just looked at me...I think he knew....

    I was so scared of what was going to happen...I didn't know if I was going to pass out...bleed all over the place...have to work the rest of my shift...(I thought I would have helplessness set in..)

    Lo and behold, my manager eventually (I don't know if I'm happy for it or not..) asked why I was carrying a bag around. I told her just "I'm bleeding" and went back to the desk. She kept asking...and...I couldn't tell her...just couldn' I was just silent...She asked me if I wanted to go home. I (over?)enthusiastically accepted...I had no idea what I was going to do if I'd had to stick out the next seven hours at work...or if I'd even be alive/awake for them.

    So, after I left...I went to Walmart...after going into my bank to take money out to fetch myself some gauze and tape and began to try to stop-up my leaking self...I was in the bathroom there for what felt like an hour, wiping blood like nuts and felt like I was still losing ground. Eventually though (thank God), it stopped and i was able to cover it correctly without more coming out. Deciding to let it clot more before testing it, I stayed standing as long as I could without putting too much stress on my handiwork.

    I eventually got back into my car and back home without more bleeding. I've been in my PJs for a few hours now and even conked out for an hour or two with my legs funkily placed without any ill effect.

    ...I can't say this is going to make me stop forever..but this is the beginning of the end (I hope) of my cutting days.

    ...I refuse to have to make like M*A*S*H or E.R. every time I cut. That would mean epic amounts of effort for what's supposed to be a hidden release.

    I think I read a post like this before...and swore that that would never be me....

    Well...look at me now.

    So, please...if you're just starting to cut/SI/whatever...stop....

    Just stop..

    Thank you, SF, again, for making a place safe for me to post this...
    - Henry

    ...I hope this doesn't get me modded/banned...
    I...I had to tell someone..
    Last edited by a moderator: Dec 12, 2006
  2. ~Nobody~

    ~Nobody~ Well-Known Member


    Are you okay? How are you feeling?

    Has it definitely stopped bleeding now?

    If it's gonna come open again you really, really should go and get some stitches put in it...

    Sorry hon' :arms:

  3. Wonderstuff

    Wonderstuff Staff Alumni

    Not going to edit this post...don't worry.
    Hun, I'm sorry this had to happen :( I'm glad that you've realised you can't go on like this though...
    Nobody is right, if it starts bleeding again you really should get sounds really serious :(
    I hope you are ok :hug:

  4. consciousinsane

    consciousinsane Well-Known Member

    i feel really bad for you. in a way i see myself. I read about people like you, never thought they would cut deep, then they end up doing it. I'm just as stupid. I'm sitting here thinking, I'll never cut like that. Yet, each time I go back and start again, I always cut deeper and deeper. It's only a matter of time before I have my own M*A*S*H Unit. (i always liked that tv show)

    I hope the bleeding has still stopped for you. How are you emotionally? You still have that "shock" feeling? That's the worst part of if I think, getting over that shock factor.

    Take care of yourself and keep that cut super clean to prevent infection!!!
    I'll be thinking about ya.
  5. altek001

    altek001 Well-Known Member

    well, here's an update:
    i was afraid to change my dressing this morning because of the scab that'd taken some of the gauze in with it. i decided to try when i got home tonight (about an hour ago) and it ended up being okay. it's not infected (or as far as i can tell) so i suppose that's a 'yay!'

    as for shock..i don't really know how that i don't quite know how to answer that..i worked a lot tonight at my youth group's christmas party...which is why i got home so late (i'm usually back by 9:30) so i'm still exhausted...i was doubly so yesterday and haven't quite caught up to myself.

    but..yeah. the bleeding's definitely stopped now. i'm mondo excited for that.

    ...thank you, everybody for your concern/comments.. know how much they mean..

    *sigh* i have a sore throat on top of all this...i think i'm going to bed down.

    again, thanks..and though i know such a plea is ridiculous:
    please, conscious.....please try to stop...

    - Henry
  6. ~CazzaAngel~

    ~CazzaAngel~ Staff Alumni

    Henry, I am sorry that you got trapped in the world of Self Injury. It is very hard to stop doing, ultimatly it makes you feel worse than good in the end of it. There are so many reasons why it is bad and not healthy, and it's so hard to quit. But so many people are afraid to tell anyone or talk about it. And you were also trying to help people while you were in crisis and pain, what a selfless caring thing to do! You should be giving yourself a pat on the back......

    Note to others: and I agree with Henry all, if you having been thinking about self injury or just started, please stop, please stop and think about all the trouble it will cause you in life.... scars, uncontrollable bleeding, spending too much money on poroxide, bandages, and or stiches, having to worry about being put in a phych ward, wondering if people know, being nagged, infections, amputations, staining clothes, losing friends, guilt, anger, nerv damage, surgeries and so many more things... so please remember this. I have been a self marmer for 10 years, it gets addictive.
  7. altek001

    altek001 Well-Known Member

    thanks for your reply..though i'm not too sure about a pat on the back...
    *hugs for everyone instead*

    ..oh, and i figured out: i was in that bathroom for two hours. not just one.
    ^which would explain my lightheadedness therein.^

    this is my story. more updates as events warrant..
    - Henry
  8. ~Nobody~

    ~Nobody~ Well-Known Member


  9. LSD

    LSD Well-Known Member

    .. *joins the hugs*-
    good to hear its not inffected ^^
    take care
    and its good you realized this is not alright
    hope you stop doing it completly
  10. Fatman1966

    Fatman1966 Antiquitie's Friend

    I really wish I could help, in any way possible.

    You have touched my heart, but I really cant begin to unstand what it is that drives you to do this, I wish I could.

    I have even started another thread, to try and understand.

    Please I am begging you, try not to do this again

    We have never met, we may well never will.


    I was so moved, by what you wrote, I would galdly take trade places and take the pain away if I could, at such a young age, your life shouldn't be like this, don't get me wrong, I don't pity you, I just wish so much, that your life didn't have to be like this, I know from years of suffering what its like to be slowly torn apart, no one deserves that, not you, not me, not anyone.

  11. altek001

    altek001 Well-Known Member

    it's so ridiculous and makes me laugh...but i just have to say it but you may already know:
    it's not as easy as it sounds.

    and i guess i should update...
    ...this is going to take a while for it to heal up, huh..?

    - Henry
  12. altek001

    altek001 Well-Known Member

    ...and i want to do it again.

    maaaan, issues...

  13. Spearmint

    Spearmint Well-Known Member

    It is an issue, yeh, but it's an addicting issue, it's hard to stop....How'd those cuts heal up? And please, if you can, try to not do something like that again. :hug: Try to keep yourself distracted or something.
  14. jcat

    jcat Staff Alumni

    don't do it, it's not worth it. please don't.
    look at waht happened last time. it's just not worth it. i'm here if you want to talk.
  15. Fatman1966

    Fatman1966 Antiquitie's Friend


    Things can get better, they have for me, at least for now.

    Despite "other" medical issues, got to see a consultant next week ! I am still doing pretty well for a change, found out my own brothers step daughter is having self harm "issues", which kinda blew my mind, being so wrapped up in my own issues, I had no idea, she's getting counciling now, over stuff that happened years ago, none of which was really her fault.

    I've made a new friend, the man of my dreams (but he's straight, doh), I had to drive a 464 mile round trip in a day, I hate driving, a good friend changed jobs, now I don't see him much at all, I found out I can't have children, even if I wanted too, not too big a deal for a gay man, but still kinda hurt even at my age, a childhood friend I haven't seen for 25+ years was murdered.......

    But guess what ?

    I didn't take it personal, I didn't get all bent out of shape about it, I didn't let it get to me......... Shit happens....... It's not my fault......

    Things can get better

    Please please please try not to do it again, It turned me inside out last time, I know now that it must be tempting, but it doesn't have to be that way, you wont always feel like this.

    Please just hang on in there.


    One of the things that helped me, was kinda just letting it all out on here, all the bullshit that had filled my mind over the years, all the things I couldn't really say to anyone in the real world, all the stuff I would never normaly talk about with anyone, ever.
  16. altek001

    altek001 Well-Known Member

    yeah, nice try. i did my best to distract but ended up going out after youth group tonight...i busted out new double-edges and four lines each an inch long have made residence on my left arm. i've since decided that my arm is not a good place to do it because i like t-shirts too much...even though it's the only place i could cut while driving. (haha, i'm such a daredevil...or suicidal.) so, ultimately, even though i learned all that i did, no. it wasn't worth it, jcat..but since when has that stopped any of us..?

    as for those other cuts...everything is fine (for) now...the scars will look like i had surgery...which is one of my cover stories and speaking of those...i got stopped by a police officer for not having license plate lights on the rear of my car and he saw my arm and asked what happened. i said it was my dog...and i don't have a dog.

    OH! you one girl know about To Write. amazing! yay!! :hug:
    (..i should add them to my signature, too. i just ordered another shirt from them!)

    and mr. man...i'm sorry to hear that all that uncool junk happened to you. 'tis waaaaaaaaay lame. i know things can get better...i'm just hoping i'm strong enough to wait until they do.

    six months clean...boy, i blew that.

    thanks, all.
  17. Spearmint

    Spearmint Well-Known Member

    Oh wow, you did it while you were driving? Aw. :hug: Hmm. Have you talked to anyone about it? We all relapse. We all make mistakes.

    And yep, twloha is amazing. :smile:
  18. Fatman1966

    Fatman1966 Antiquitie's Friend


    What set you off again ?

    Six months is long time, you did good, may be this time you can go for 9 months, additction is a terrible thing, I stopped smoking for 12 years and then started again, how mad is that !!! have now been smoking for another 3 years, tried stopping again only a week ago, but didn't manage it, going to try stopping again next Monday, I stopped before, so I must be able to do it again, despite what every bone in my body tells me when I do stop, its hard, really really hard, but I know smoking is doing more damage to me than it is helping me get by on a day to day basis.

    When I was "low" the pain inside was so great, it was all I could do to stop it bursting out, a bit like the scene at the end of the matrix, where agent smith jumps into neo, god I love that film.

    I've never cut, and probably never will, I'm not good with blood, especialy my own, lol, so I can't logicaly put together in my mind, what makes you do what you do, or why it helps.

    One thing I can say, is, don't always listen to your own thoughts, they are not always true, that little voice in your head, your way of seeing the world and how you fit in it, can through not fault of your own, get a bit fucked up sometimes, much like mine did for 20 years or so and once you get stuck in track of thinking, it can be really really hard to get out of it.

    But it is possible.

    If the mind is a beautiful and complex thing, then mine it a much like my mobile phone (motorola V3) looks pretty, but fucking usless at making and recieving phones calls, the one thing its supposed to do well.

    Shit happens.... It's not may fault..... I've done nothing wrong.....

    And I won't let anyone else tell me any different any more

    I have made a big enough mess of my life so far

    I don't need help messing it up some more
    Last edited by a moderator: Jun 21, 2007
  19. altek001

    altek001 Well-Known Member

    i did it for a few of them being because of a person i don't even try to remember anymore. i SO thought i was over her and what she did to me. (i came to see that my cutting was directly due to her emotionally abusing me.) i'd stopped talking to her. i was free and happy. then...i don't know...junk happened! maybe it's my dad's would've-been-birthday and father's day being so close and just passing and remembering how she was so there for me back then...maybe that contributed. (i saw her tonight after i was leaving my store...she dropped some shoes she was carrying to her back stock room...i laughed at her and then i felt horrible..and then wondered why i felt so bad.) it's probably going to take years and years to get over what she did...yet i never thought it was that bad...

    other things include my work situation and how much i hate my current job and..meh. just junk i'd rather not think about right meow.

    good pieces though:
    i've had my razor and bandaid so ready for me to use after my showers the past few days but i haven't used them...hopefully it was just a one-time slip-up...but my mood not getting any better and paranoia growing i still feel ever-close to doing it again.

    ugh. just one day at a time.
    ...and it's still pretty hard.

    keep hope alive.
  20. Fatman1966

    Fatman1966 Antiquitie's Friend

    We all have off days, I had one the other night, still feeling a bit "down" but nothing too serious.

    Spent some time round at my brothers house over the week end, he has got 2 really great kids, only 3 years old, but so bright and full of life !!!

    They love me, which strangely makes me feel sad sometimes, wondering what I could have had, if I had wanted it !!!

    Then wondering if I would have been happier, if I had taken a different path.

    Kinda wierd for a gay bloke ???

    Keep doing the best you can, take it day by day if that helps, thats about as good as any of us can do, when things don't go the way we wanted them to.

    Take care
    Have fun
    Be safe
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