too defective

Discussion in 'Help Me! I Need to Talk to Someone.' started by Wastingecho, Aug 17, 2014.

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  1. Wastingecho

    Wastingecho Well-Known Member

    i used to think that i was broken - now i just think i'm defective

    can't connect to anyone - never knew how to make friends - now i can't even handle offers of friendship

    already isolated by circumstance - afraid to even have a friend - never works - someone always ends up hurt and usually it's me

    can't reach out to people who still say they are willing to listen - even the things i post here are heavily cleansed by my internal censor

    i'm having so much trouble with my thoughts and emotions - feel like i've become a nightmare to even be around

    i have nowhere for the pain to go - take it to work, take it home, take it to bed

    don't want to share it - does that sound crazy?

    not because i want all of it myself - but because no one else should have to be exposed to it

    getting ready to go to bed soon - alone - wake up same way - go through day the same way

    can't approach family - kids settling into new lives - wife so wrapped up in herself i might as well not even exist - managers don't want me - everything is spinning out of control
  2. transparent

    transparent Well-Known Member

    I understand this.
  3. WildCherry

    WildCherry ADMIN

    Here if you feel like talking. I know it scares you to even think about having a friend, and I understand why. But will be here if you ever want to take the chance. :hug:
  4. Wastingecho

    Wastingecho Well-Known Member

    can't imagine anyone really wanting to be my friend any more anyway

    easier to understand why they wouldn't
  5. WildCherry

    WildCherry ADMIN

    I do want to be your friend and have for a long time. But I haven't wanted to push you, because nobody should feel pushed into a friendship. Just know the offer will always be there if you want it.
  6. Wastingecho

    Wastingecho Well-Known Member

    what i want

    i want to be able to breathe

    i want to be able to enjoy...something

    i want to feel like someone wants me

    i want to feel useful

    i want to feel like someone actually cares without some ulterior motive

    i want to stop feeling like i'm nothing

    and none of that is going to happen
  7. WildCherry

    WildCherry ADMIN

    I know you're afraid to let anyone get close to you; I know some of what you've been through, how much you've been hurt by people who claimed to care. But I also know that the things you want ARE possible, if you're willing to consider allowing someone to try and break through the walls you've put up.
  8. Unknown_111

    Unknown_111 Forum Buddy Staff Alumni SF Supporter

    Hi, please do not feel down as you are important on this forum. If you feel the need to chat, please PM me. You are a kind gentle soul who deserves not to be hard on himself.
  9. Wastingecho

    Wastingecho Well-Known Member

    not important here - not important anywhere

    can barely offer anyone support - not the way i used to - feels like i have no right to offer advice any more

    have nothing left to contribute

  10. Petal

    Petal SF dreamer Staff Member Safety & Support SF Supporter

    :hug: Hope you feel better soon. You ARE important!
  11. Unknown_111

    Unknown_111 Forum Buddy Staff Alumni SF Supporter

    Wrong Wastingecho. YOU ARE IMPORTANT. I totally agree with Petal. Please do not think different as we all care about YOU.
  12. Wastingecho

    Wastingecho Well-Known Member

    Done lying to myself a long time ago
  13. WildCherry

    WildCherry ADMIN

    But you're lying to yourself now, by convincing yourself that you're not important and you don't matter. None of these things are true. You ARE important, you do matter, and people do genuinely care. But you won't give anyone the chance to prove that to you.
  14. Wastingecho

    Wastingecho Well-Known Member

    no convincing needed - everything happens around me, moves around me, not touching me

    i'm just inconvenient - in the way
  15. DrownedFishOnFire

    DrownedFishOnFire Seeing is Believing Forum Pro SF Supporter

    Hi. Just a smile at a random stranger will make someones day.
  16. Wastingecho

    Wastingecho Well-Known Member

    Can't smile now

    And no one smiles at me - they just walk right through me
  17. Petal

    Petal SF dreamer Staff Member Safety & Support SF Supporter

    You are still here fighting the battle, that's an achievement in itself. I don't know about other people, but I often smile passing strangers or if I'm in a waiting room. I would open the door for an old lady with a walking stick, help an old person cross the street in the city....all these little things add up. There are just so many things, countless things that could make you feel you are important and that you do matter.
  18. Wastingecho

    Wastingecho Well-Known Member

    But I have no more reasons to keep fighting - last goal was achieved a year ago - thought maybe i had a new one but like everything else it fell apart

    So tired physically, emotionally

    No point
  19. DrownedFishOnFire

    DrownedFishOnFire Seeing is Believing Forum Pro SF Supporter

    I'll go in circles with you wasting echo. What was the goal you speak of anyhow
  20. Wastingecho

    Wastingecho Well-Known Member

    Getting my kids through school
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