Too depressed, hurting myself, too everything . . .

Discussion in 'Self Harm & Substance Abuse' started by Alone613, Aug 5, 2008.

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  1. Alone613

    Alone613 Active Member

    Self harm. I'm Alone613 and fairly new here. I'm in a constant crisis, which is right where my sort-of-husband [he left me 2 years ago] wants me. He has the cash and so he wields the sword.

    I am depressed. I'm seeing my therapist tomorrow.

    I am suicidal and so anxious that I can't eat without taking a tranquilizer. I'm seeing my psychiatrist on Wednesday.

    My meds are at their max. Unless, of course, I overdose. I planned that very carefully two summers ago and somehow, when I should have been dead five hours before I was found, I was brought to the ER and revived - with no heartbeat, no pulse, no lung activity, legally dead.

    Every morning I wake up and look around me and think how much I hate my life because of the unspeakable things that my sort-of-husband has done to me. I haven't once awakened in the morning and been glad that I was saved. I have eleven, almost twelve wonderful reasons to want to live - my grandchildren. My sort-of-husband turned my children against me with monstrous lies that he even admitted to me and to a clergyman.

    There's nothing that will lift this depression. It's in every cell of my body. It even makes it hurt when I breathe. Sometimes, I am filled with so much anxiety that I'm afraid I will explode all over the next person I see out of sheer anger that I am holding in, that can't be dealt with because the people who are responsible for it, won't talk about it.

    Harm myself. Why not? RIght now I'm going through a "healing" period in which I let the sores on my legs heal and stop hurting. As soon as they stop hurting, I'll be back at them with my cuticle clipper, peeling the skin off of them and bringing new blood. It's not that it feels particularly good. It's just that I'd like to draw some blood from what has been done to me, and the only safe blood to draw is my own. What will they arrest me for? Self-assault and me-battery? I don't think that's a crime. When the sores get to be too painful, I just start hitting my legs with my fists, and pretty soon, I have these wonderful black and blue marks all over my legs. Nobody sees any of this - I've always dressed in long skirts and dresses.

    Depression. Anxiety. A wish to die. Feeling cut off, useless, and hated by people to whom I devoted my life - to show that a wife need not be like my mother, and I never have been. To show that you can raise children without abuse, with love, and understanding, and caring - and I did. I don't understand what has happened. I know that my sort-of-husband hates my with an uncommon passion, but I don't know why. And I know that my children are angry because they believe the lies he gave them before I could figure out what was going on. By then, the damage was done, and they were closed off to anything I had to say.

    Every night I fight not taking an overdose - and I know exactly what would be a lethal combination - as it was last time. I don't know why G-d decided that I should stick around - unless He thought that not only was a childhood filled with abuse what I needed, but that I should also lose any semblance of family, of the bonds that my children and I shared - all the time, with them complaining about what a lousy father they had, and I told them to stop talkling that way because it wasn't respectful. What a damned fool I am. I hate myself about as much as they hate me.

    I'm just getting too tired to do what must be done to keep living. Maybe I'll go peel some skin off my legs. I'll do that, and instead of taking the pills, I'll think of my grandchildren and how they smile and run to greet me when I visit. What would it do to them if I kill myself? I just don't know. I don't know. I love them so much that they are the only reason that I don't O.D.

    Life stinks - and then you die.

    Last edited by a moderator: Aug 5, 2008
  2. SweetSurrender

    SweetSurrender Well-Known Member

    (((Alone613)))) giving you a massive hug! You have been and are going through so much, i really feel for you. You do not deserve any of the hatred against you both in your childhood nor from your so-called husband now. I'm really glad you are being so strong and seeing both a therapist and a pdoc, that is really testiment to the courage and strength that you have inside you. I pray that through them you will be able to release some of the anger that consumes you so that you don't waste another moment on people who don't deserve your time or emotions. In the meantime please try to keep yourself as safe as possible. I understand how difficult it can be to stop self harming when you are angry but please try and be aware of the damage you are causing so you are not in any danger. Throw things, rip up pictures with him in, burn his clothes, because you don't deserve anymore pain than you are already in. Take each minute as it comes, sometimes that is all we can do. And know that i am thinking of you, and if you ever need to yell or scream or talk please know you can pm me anytime.
    Take care.
  3. LenaLunacy

    LenaLunacy Well-Known Member

    I am sorry things are so awful for you right now. Your so called husband is being very harsh and not helping how you are feeling. It is great you are getting help from a therapist and i hope that you will be able to open up to your therapist and get the help you need and deserve. :hug: am only a pm away if you need to talk or rant, w/e. Just keep yourself distracted and live each hour as it comes.
  4. DrowningInTears

    DrowningInTears Well-Known Member

    it is great that you are staying alive for your grandkids. i dont have any kids or even a partner to live for. but i do worry about my brothers and their friends that it could put ideas in their heads if i did it.

    :hug: hugglez and i hope you stay well.
  5. jerrin

    jerrin Guest

    Please don't hurt yourself. I know you may feel really crappy right now and there may be some bad stuff going on in your life, but I promise it is not worth it to hurt yourself. There are other people out there who care about you even when you are too worried or ashamed to care about yourself. You need to talk to someone ok? Try calling a friend just to talk or try calling 1-800-273-TALK. If you are in a place where you can't talk, try to leave and then go to a friend's house or payphone. Good luck with everything.
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