Too Different

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by AnomymousX, Sep 27, 2008.

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  1. AnomymousX

    AnomymousX Well-Known Member

    Ever since the day I tried to kill myself, I never changed how I felt about myself. In all my 19 years of living, I truly changed. Everything in life just repeats, and it gets so old.

    I was always a huge nerd. Not the kind of nerd that just knows a lot about video games and stuff, I mean a real nerd. We're talking about someone who knows how to 3D model, program, photoshop, animate, video edit, and everything else you can think of. I always thought, "Yeah, I'm a nerd, and I may not be so attractive in High School, but in the future I'm gonna have a hot wife and a good future!" I have no clue what made me think that, because I've grown up and realized that things don't always happen like that.

    The problem is, I'm too different, regardless of what anyone else says. Even after I was forced in that psych hospital, I still thought that it would be better if those pills killed me. So I don't regret trying to kill myself. My parents always try to toss in cheesy compliments like, "See that girl on TV there, you could marry a woman like that." Thanks parents, but you're dumb, and I'm not "get married" material. Some people are just different, and don't get married, and I'm one of them. Here I am, in a very high-level college, and my heart feels so empty. I find life just boring and pointless.

    Love, the biggest issue for me. It seems like everyone in the world can get a love partner at the snap of their fingers, seriously. Every single god damn person I run into just happens to have a boyfriend or girlfriend. Sure, tell me "I'm not confident". I disagree with that statement, but if it's true, I have nothing to be confident about. I like how the world has this little theme about, "If you're a rich guy with a Mercedes in your garage, you're gonna get a woman! Although, if you don't, then... uh.. Yeah..." I don't want to say I'm not confident at all, but I could have more. I just have bad luck with the females, no questions asked. My face ain't that great, my personality ain't that great, and I'm not some stereotype every fucking girl lusts for. I can't talk to girls, even when I have 0% fear, I just have nothing to say to them.

    I'm just... Too different. Personally, I think my gain into that advanced college was an accident, because I wasn't accepted the first time. I don't belong there, or anywhere. I can't do anything right, I'm 19 and I still don't have a damn driver's license, I make way too many mistakes while driving. Just today, I almost killed me and my mom; I almost got both of us pummeled by a bus. Being dumb sucks. All I hear at home is my dad's big ass mouth, reminding me of all my flaws every damn day. Everything in life has to mock me. Every girl I meet begins to hate before she even knows who I am, yet my best friend gets a fucking cute Canadian girl to fly over here and visit him? What the fuck?! I'm losing it, I'm gonna do something, I don't know what, but something. And this time, my parents won't have the time to drive me to the hospital. God, you are the dumbest, make people who want to be alive.

    Dad, you waste so money on a psychiatrist that does nothing. You dumb fuck. There will come a day where I'll pass, and I will miss the ones who were good to me, but as for everyone else, die. I curse my existence, I spit at the day I was born. Mom and dad, you fucked up. In fact, you fucked, and gave birth to a fuck up... How ironic. I'm gonna snap, what's the point? Next time I try to kill myself, I'll make it instant, and I'll make the image very graphic, so it haunts those who see it, forever.
  2. wilco

    wilco Member

    Hello anonmymousX

    Sorry to hear that being a nerd makes you feel so bad. I am also a kind of nerd and I somehow understand your problem. But I think that success with girls has more to do with being confident and having the right behaviour than with money. (I might be too naîve though).

    Have you heard about Cognitive Behavioural Therapy?

    It is just a very pragmatic therapy which asks you to work on your behaviour, in every "difficult social situation". You have some "social homeworks" to do, that takes a lot of courage if you are not confident. I haven't tried it yet but I'm thinking about it. I thought maybe you would be interested. I am in a similar situation and I think that if I want to suicide, it means that I have nothing to lose really, so then let's try to get better even if it's painful.

    It is not psychiatry, you don't have too take medicine etc... it is really pragmatic and the aim is too solve your social problem as soon as possible.

    I hope I helped you, sorry if I didn't :wink:

    Sorry for my bad english !
  3. Stranger1

    Stranger1 Forum Buddy & Antiquities Friend

    Hey Anomynous,
    Sounds like you are way to hard on yourself. O.K. you don't have a girl right now, give it time! Right now focus on your schooling. Someone will come along and want to get to know you better.
    Once you graduate and get a good job, People will stand up and take notice that you are an acheiver. I am impressed you can know all about computer programming. Me I know just enough to screw everything up!
    My friend don't be so fast to say you are going to kill yourself. There is so much for you to do and to see. Me personally I want to see the grand canyon and ride the horses to the bottom. Please don't do anything rash! I had the priveledge to travel to France and Germany when I was young and then later in life I went to Okinawa and the Phillipines. I also have been to Mexico several times. So get thru school and then take a year off and do some things that you have always fantasized about. Take Care.~Joseph~
  4. AnomymousX

    AnomymousX Well-Known Member

    Forget it, everything is the same. Instead of typing in boring paragraphs, let me put things in a bullet point form. By the way wilco, your english is fine.

    • The world (or just the U.S.), runs off celebrities, instead of important things. People just want to wait around for mock sex tapes and unnecessary crotch shots.

    • Even though I'm in college, high school still haunts from time to time. Wherever I look, the high school mentality still exists in people.

    ◦ Sorry ladies. Sorry I don't have that surfer hair and that cracking mid-pitch voice, and pretends to be a skater.
    ◦ Sorry ladies. Sorry every male in the world can't be Zac Efron. No, he isn't perfect, get over yourselves. End of story.
    ◦ Sorry that I don't have a big house, good credit, and a new Mercedes in my garage. I guess you're gonna have to date someone else.
    ◦ Girls, looks and personality are not the same. I know how you love to call looks "personality", but it's still wrong. Read a dictionary, you may boost your IQ from 100 to... 100.
    ◦ Girls, not every male has a car. I know it's embarrassing for our parents to drive us everywhere. I guess that one's our fault. That's life for you.
    ◦ Girls, if you're popular, real hot, get men looking at you all the time, then don't say stupid stuff like "I'm fat" or "I'm ugly". Leave those words to the actual fat and ugly people. Which is funny, because a lot of these girls have no problem making fun of other ugly people.
    ◦ Girls, be nice to the nerds, you may end up working for them one day. I'm one of these nerds, and unfortunately, you won't work for me. Welcome to karma.
    ◦ Sure girls, date college guys, and keep thinking how "immature" boys your age are, but bare in mind, that there just may be some guys avoiding you because they think you're immature. Some girls aren't as mature as they think they are, and dating a college guy doesn't prove that, or anything for that matter.
    ◦ Girls, it's harder for boys than it is for girls. With dating at least.
    ◦ Girls, stop saying, "I want a nice guy" and end up dating some senile jock idiot the next day.
    ◦ I was once in a psych hospital, and I kissed a girl's hand when she didn't expect it. She was super shocked and moved away from me in fear. I apologize Katie, sorry I'm not like the other 20-year-olds you randomly bang.
    ◦ Girls, there are other males out there that AREN'T athletes.

    • Apparently life is all about being someone else.

    • I am too different. People like me don't get married. We usually die alone. But who cares, you had me at "die".

    • Life is pointless. If there's a god, he's a dumb motherfucker.

    • Thanks for ruining my suicide attempt mom, you fuck. I could of saved myself a pointless 60.

    • I'm a bottomladder. I guess all of us can't be "just like everyone else".

    • I don't want to say I'm ugly, but my face isn't carved out perfectly like the other "pretty boys" out there. Again, sorry ladies.

    • Again, I'm not getting married. Besides, the kind of girls I like will be all taken anyway?

    • I'll probably attempt another suicide somewhere in the future. I don't care for my existence. Not one bit. I don't regret the first suicide attempt.
  5. Stranger1

    Stranger1 Forum Buddy & Antiquities Friend

    Hey Anonamyss,
    You know there are alot of girls who are beautifull who are just sitting in there flat. This is because they think that alot of males won't approach them. Go to the girls dorm and sit outside and keep track on who comes and goes. The ones who you only see part time are the ones you want to approach. I wish you luck!!~Joseph~
  6. AnomymousX

    AnomymousX Well-Known Member

    I have bad luck with approaching women, because everytime I do, she'll tell all her friends, "Ewww some ugly boy approached me." Then before I know it, the whole fucking world knows. This has happened a shit load of times. It'll be easier to just stay out of it and let women marry their thug/poser prettyboy dreamboats, and tell my parents to fuck themselves whenever they ask, "Where's my grandkids?"
  7. aoeu

    aoeu Well-Known Member

    I am a nerd. I know a lot of nerds.

    The biggest thing separating them from girls: personality.
    Many nerds are complete jerks - check yourself for this one.
    And, not being a jerk doesn't completely cover it. You've got to not APPEAR to be a jerk - that's a problem for me.

    There are definitely women who love intellect, but they won't stand a jerk to get at it.

    ...Also, watch for creepiness. Randomly kissing women doesn't go over well.

    Oh, and finally, if your appearance enters into it, ur doing it rong. Find nerdy women. For them, physical attractiveness is entirely secondary to what's in your head.
    Last edited by a moderator: Oct 4, 2008
  8. pit

    pit Well-Known Member

    Remember, nerdy women can be hott!
  9. aoeu

    aoeu Well-Known Member

    And, uh, there are things they do in bed that most don't. :)
  10. AnomymousX

    AnomymousX Well-Known Member

    I know for a fact I'm not a jerk. I'm usually just mild-mannered and very quiet in public. I better enjoy that while it lasts, because my hate for life and myself is slowly turning me into an impatient angry bastard. By the way, I never said there was anything wrong with nerdy chicks.
  11. Stranger1

    Stranger1 Forum Buddy & Antiquities Friend

    Hey Anonymous,
    It sounds like you are holding onto alot of anger. And dissing fat and ugly people is kind of a double standard. They can't help their looks. Hell I am going bald, have gained considerable weight due to meds, Have had my top teeth replaced, ETC>ETC>ETC. I don't go around and put other people down. This is a very independant world now adays. Please step back and go see a counselor. Maybe they can help you with the anger!!~Joseph~
  12. AnomymousX

    AnomymousX Well-Known Member

    I've had counselors, and they didn't do shit.
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