I joined this site because i wanted to know if anyone else has had these kind of thoughts. Every morning I don't want to get or get out of bed. I would like to just swallow a hand full of pills and bottle of wine and drift off peacefully. The only reason i haven't yet is from sheer embarrassment. I'll be embarrassed because my parents are always bragging about me and to most people it seems like my life is perfect. Then they'll have to admit and everyone would know that i'm depressed. I'm embarrassed to have my filthy apt broken into by the paramedics & having cops raid my personal things. Because of my depression my apt looks like the aftermath of an erathquake-everything is scattered all over the ground. I don't want people gawking at the condition its in or reading the pathetic crap on my laptop. I'm embarrassed because all the people i hate will gloat about the fact that i wasnt as perfect as i made it seem. The people who wanted me to faill will be happy because i have. Now my daily thoughts haven't changed from suicide but have moved to how i would accomplish it without all of this. Like I would like to have it be a mystery where i am or what happened to me or only have my parents know. Or have everyone think it was an accident or something. Now I think I'm even nuttier for these thoughts being paramount in my mind. It seems like if your contemplating suicide embarrassment would be furthest from your mind. Does this sound completely insane to everyone else or is it pretty normal?