Too Fragile To Fix

You know I have heard that some people say High Maintenance means high quality. However, I am sorry to say that cannot be true. For christ's sake I work hard to for several weeks to even gain one inch of hope. Then all of the sudden one day something happens and I fall back one yard and the falling does not stop. I mean it will take me months to just make the falling stop. Then it will take even more time to start climbing again. Maybe i the next thirty years, with not hitches or problems, I could get to the place where I might not be suicidal... maybe.. I actually think it will be more like 50 years.

So I am done, I cannot see any reason to keep living. Well I guess the point of this thread is to say I cannot see any reason to keep trying. I mean for christs sake the only time I get any confidence is when I go to the gym. Even then that is.. well I wish I could find an exact number on it. Since I have so very few exercises that I excel in. There is only one where I am even remotely good. I am just giving up. It will take too long to fix me. AS they say there is no reason to fix something that is not worth the effort.

 

We are all worth the effort K - for Christ's sake - we can seriously be of the opinion that we are not, but He will never agree to it We are human beings, and although falliable and prone to faults and failures (mine have been massive) the other thing about being human is that it is possible to learn different things. The best new thing we can learn is how to talk differently to ourselves in our heads. This will start to lay down different neural pathways - we can help each other with this on SF, that's the great thing about this site - the new stuff we can take on board that does make a difference

 

@urPrecious: It is not worth the effort to fix something that falls apart so easily.

 

I understand the feeling F_M

If I were a character in an Adventure Story, I would be the person in the group of adventurers that the reader secretly wishes would be left behind or suffer some fatal accident so that the story could continue to move forward and nobody would have to put up with the distraction I cause. "I knew that dude was never gonna make it." would be the final reference to my character.

I just wish I could find someone in my life who would admit to me that they really think that too.

I would really like to have a conversation like the following:

ME: Hey, I'm going to kill myself in X days.
THEM: Yeah, that's probably a good idea, you ain't never gonna make it in life. What can I do to help?

 

I would love that conversation too, but sadly everyone is too much of a wuss to actually have it with me. They all say No you are awesome everyone else is missing out or some other BS like that.

 

No one is going to have that conversation with you because what they should be saying is.... Yes, life's tough and it sucks for so many people, and we can all feel like throwing in the towel from time to time, but, hey..... it's not what life has done to us that determines the outcome, it's our response to it that determines the outcome. The lock on hell's gate is on the inside, after all.



If you're looking for people who are going to agree with your belief that you ain't never gonna make it in life, that will only fuel your belief that there really is nothing you can do. Which is a lie. Which is why no one does say it, they know better

Heck, considering my mistakes, I could wake up each morning telling myself I'm a hopeless loser and I'm this, that and the other negative thing. But I wake up each morning now with a different response - one that points upwards instead of downwards. It IS possible to gain a different self-concept, by starting to tell ourselves different things. Different things, which are more in line with the truth. It's how we let ourselves out of hell

 

My replies to life always yeild the same result whether they are good or bad. SO there is no point. Some of us are just truly cursed. Even if it is possible to change myself. There is no reason to be happy when I am 60 when I spent the rest of my life being miserable.

 

If I saw somebody on a daily basis and they told me I was useless the chances are after time I will start to believe them.
When we look in the mirror we can be our own worst critics and we believe everything we tell ourselves.

When you have made positive steps do you give yourself the credit you deserve, that you may feel weak and useless when in fact you are being really brave.

We can be our own worst enemy and when we think negatively its hard to recognise the good things we do in life. When we are constantly expecting to fail then even the slightest setback can look like a road of disaster.

 

I only give myself credit when I am actually due it. That is pretty much never. Lying to myself is just as bad, if not worse, as being my own critic.