Too good at hiding it?

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Uulanda, Aug 9, 2010.

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  1. Uulanda

    Uulanda Active Member

    Hi again,

    Am I just too good at hiding this? When I say this, I'm talking about my Depression, Suicidal tendencies and Psychosis. When I've even thought so selfishly as to tell someone I was feeling Suicidal, they said "if you were really that suicidal you would have killed yourself by now". This comes from the person I thought I was the closest to; I suppose not.

    Since I've got Aspergers, it makes it all that much harder to express how I feel through facial expressions, so my default expression is good enough to cover whatever I'm thinking at that time. That means that the few times I ever have tried telling people about my problems, they just think I'm screwing around or trying to trick them.

    I really have no-one I can talk to about this, because on the outside I really do look like the average Joe while on the inside I'm planning to kill myself and thinking about how much I would like to kill anyone else. I'm waiting to get kicked off of this site for admitting these things but this is the last place I can honestly talk about anything anymore. Even now I'm not admitting the deepest things of my soul; if I did then I honestly would get locked up. And no, before you think it, I've not killed anybody or the like in the past. Not that I've wanted to...

    I sit on my bed at night with a knife to my throat most nights just wanting to finally end it, but always being too much of a wimp to do it.

    I need professional help but if I tried to admit any of this I would be rejected for "lying". I don't want to find help either, as I've said before I loathe therapy and talking about my feelings to the depths of my very soul; I'm not sure I could deal with that kind of thing happening to me.
  2. Scum

    Scum Well-Known Member

    Hi Matt,

    It can be very 'easy' to hide how you feel for a variety of reasons. Often it enables us to carry on functioning at some level and, as you say, a lot of reasons relating to others. Often people don't see what is there because they don't want to see, or are not looking. What your friend said was, unfortunately, clicheed ignorance. Its not the case that people who want to die only talk about it if they don't want to. However, ignorant people can be educated if they want to be, so maybe it might be worth trying to educate your friend?

    I think that you do need some support because you sound so lonely and overwhelmed. I don't think you would be rejected for 'lying' though, unless the professional is incompetent, and again, that's not your fault. What you could do is just print out your post and show a doctor and see what they say.

    Has anything happened to make you feel so bad?
  3. Uulanda

    Uulanda Active Member

    Hi Scum,

    No nothing at the moment has triggered all of this, its been building up inside me for too long. I don't have any kind of release to this except for through the internet and to be honest its not that helpful a medium, but it does help to a degree.

    I'm just really tired of people treating me different because I have problems, but not in a beneficial way. People will avoid me and the like because they think I'm insane, yet they won't try and comfort me because of my mental illnesses. It seems to be a case of picking and choosing what they want to do and it always ends up on the negative side of things.

    I am very lonely, but this is the sort of thing that I can't let out of my head. If I do I'm going to be outed as some kind of monster, which is apt for the contents of my mind to be honest.

    I would try and help educate the friend but they don't care, they make comments like that and then when I bring it up saying that they really truly hurt my feelings, they will twist it to be my fault, and I can't seem to make them realize that it is not my fault. I used to have a few friends, now I have 2; one of them doesn't talk to me if they can help it and the other one is the one who made these comments in the first place. So in fact, I have zero friends in total. No-one I can honestly confide in about any of this. I can't deal with this on my own but its a hell of a better chance than if I were to take this to the professionals; I live in a small place and to be honest the therapy I received was BS. I pretended that I was OK even though I was just as bad as ever because I couldn't handle it there. The fact is I can't choose to go somewhere else, because that is the only place I CAN go to. But if I tried to talk to my parents about this kind of thing they would tell me I am being melodramatic and that there is nothing really wrong with me, a horror I had to endure in the past that I will NOT go through again.

    This world is too much for me ad I know its easier to leave now then try and drag my sorry ass through the rest of it.
  4. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    with support here you won't have to drag yourself thru life getting the right support thru meds even therapy withsomeone you can connect with will help
    i learned youcan't do it all alone it just gets harder and harder to survive i hope you tell your GP help is needed okay
  5. fooror

    fooror Well-Known Member

    Might be difficult to hear, but hiding it isn't always helpful. It just bottles it up and exacerbates the tension inside.

    Posting on here is definitely a good thing, as you have the relative safety of anonymity. Do you have anyone close at all that you can confide in?

    You have identified that you need professional help, that is a good start. Try to build up the courage to go to your local doctor - remember, they seem 20+ people a day and have heard it all.
  6. flowingriver

    flowingriver Well-Known Member

    Hun, remember the story of the ugly duckling. He is born among a brood mediocre birds who cannot understand him, but it turns out he is a beautiful swan is disguise. In time, he is the most beautiful creature in the lake.

    You may be beat up and misunderstood now, but that does not mean later that those people might not be in a different situations, and you might not have great things happen to you in time.

    Get you high school diploma.
    You may think of going to college soon.
    You may move out and be on your own soon with new people and different values.
    You can join an OCD support group where people are more compassionate.
    I have never met an asperger who did not have great talent, or do something with great cleverness.
    You can change perspective of your situation. You may not be able to overcome some of these things right away, but perhaps you are not really an ugly duckling but a swan.

    OCD is a disease characterized by violent images, so if you have them, could it not be your OCD?
    And if you feel rage towards others like hurting them, that is a normal human reaction, if you are constantly being hurt by people.

    But you are not an evil person, because you do not act on them. People get violent and angry thoughts, at times, but as along as you don't act on them, then you are OK. Just as long as you don't WILLFULLY take pleasure in them or dwell on them, then it's only human.

    Stephen King and lots of murder writers think of violent images as a job, but they don't go killing people. And, you just seem to me to be one of those people who get the thoughts and images, but will never hurt another person.

    But as for yourself, perhaps you haven't seen the full beauty within you that I know is there.:hugtackles:
  7. Uulanda

    Uulanda Active Member

    Thank you all for trying to make me feel better...

    I know help is what I really need but its the fact that what everyone sees is my "good" side; the side where I try and seem as perfectly ok as I can. But on the inside it's a complete warzone, I can't understand anything I'm thinking anymore. So many conflicting ideas in my head, I really want out.

    Flowing river, thank you for your response especially, it was very well written. TO answer the questions you posed; It's not my OCD because of the fact that I know that any thought that I have due to OCD would be one I am worried about. I am not worried about the idea that I would kill people, what gets me annoyed is that I can't get help here or there.

    I honestly feel like I am becoming two people; my face and my outwards appearance, and then myself properly. My appearance is the happy average guy, the inwards myself is losing his sanity. I honestly feel like I am losing my mind and I can't stay attached to reality. I can't tell if something I'm doing is real or not. All of this feels like its not happening and it is driving me to the very edge of my being. Also I wanted to say, thank you for your closing message.
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