After almost giving into the suicidal ideation on Friday, it was too good to think I found a solid toehold. I'm back to Friday night. I even dragged myself out of bed (hard for me when I am really depressed), researched a few organizations before finding one that isn't already getting more help than they need, and thought I was on my way when I filled out my volunteer application and went to evaluate and walk a new dog for a rescue (volunteer work that I have done in the past as well). However, I had to pick up my 4 month old kitten's ashes (we only had adopted him for a month before having to euthanize him due to a rare and incurable disease and he was suffering horribly) and my boyfriend and I got into a huge, stupid fight (over how or where we should have adopted--I was "wrong" for picking a fostered rescue vs. an adoption shelter). Logic says it comes out of the pain of bringing that chapter of our lives to a close, but what it feels like is that he argues to hurt and vent anger he hasn't dealt with while I feel smaller and smaller until I wish I would just blow away with the dust. Because there are two sides to every story, he says he is paying the price for my not "divorcing" my family as he has. Part of that is true, I try to lock down my feelings because I have never seen the benefit of getting angry. No one seems to come out better better at the end of it. Friday night I lost it. Completely. I screamed in his ear and was mad for the 44 years worth I have tried to avoid being mad. I was ashamed of myself and with good reason. I apologized and tried to give him room. I wrote how sorry I was and I meant all of it. It is why I was so close on Friday night. Now I cannot tell the truth from his (or my) lies and I wish I would just shrivel up and blow away, never to be remembered. It is so painful and disorienting. I can't talk to my siblings, who I have good relationships with, especially my sister. They both have a lot of situational stuff going on and although I would love to hear my sister's voice, she has had a terrible set of crappy things happen to her over the last two weeks. I feel worthless and I don't return to work for almost two weeks and work is really my lifeline a lot. He was so cruel in his remarks and when I try to address it, he says I made it up or I am taking it out of context. I cannot tell witch way is up or out of this pain. Thank you for taking the time to read all this crap. I just need to get it out or it will eat me alive from the inside.