Too good to have been true...

Discussion in 'Help Me! I Need to Talk to Someone.' started by PhoenixFailed, Oct 16, 2016.

  1. PhoenixFailed

    PhoenixFailed SF Supporter

    After almost giving into the suicidal ideation on Friday, it was too good to think I found a solid toehold. I'm back to Friday night. I even dragged myself out of bed (hard for me when I am really depressed), researched a few organizations before finding one that isn't already getting more help than they need, and thought I was on my way when I filled out my volunteer application and went to evaluate and walk a new dog for a rescue (volunteer work that I have done in the past as well).

    However, I had to pick up my 4 month old kitten's ashes (we only had adopted him for a month before having to euthanize him due to a rare and incurable disease and he was suffering horribly) and my boyfriend and I got into a huge, stupid fight (over how or where we should have adopted--I was "wrong" for picking a fostered rescue vs. an adoption shelter). Logic says it comes out of the pain of bringing that chapter of our lives to a close, but what it feels like is that he argues to hurt and vent anger he hasn't dealt with while I feel smaller and smaller until I wish I would just blow away with the dust. Because there are two sides to every story, he says he is paying the price for my not "divorcing" my family as he has. Part of that is true, I try to lock down my feelings because I have never seen the benefit of getting angry. No one seems to come out better better at the end of it. Friday night I lost it. Completely. I screamed in his ear and was mad for the 44 years worth I have tried to avoid being mad. I was ashamed of myself and with good reason. I apologized and tried to give him room. I wrote how sorry I was and I meant all of it. It is why I was so close on Friday night.

    Now I cannot tell the truth from his (or my) lies and I wish I would just shrivel up and blow away, never to be remembered. It is so painful and disorienting. I can't talk to my siblings, who I have good relationships with, especially my sister. They both have a lot of situational stuff going on and although I would love to hear my sister's voice, she has had a terrible set of crappy things happen to her over the last two weeks.

    I feel worthless and I don't return to work for almost two weeks and work is really my lifeline a lot. He was so cruel in his remarks and when I try to address it, he says I made it up or I am taking it out of context. I cannot tell witch way is up or out of this pain.

    Thank you for taking the time to read all this crap. I just need to get it out or it will eat me alive from the inside.
  2. Please Call Me Max

    Please Call Me Max New Member

    I'm sorry if I don't know what to say but I really hope things improve for you soon.
    PhoenixFailed likes this.
  3. PhoenixFailed

    PhoenixFailed SF Supporter

    Just saying something helps the empty lost feeling. Thank you!
  4. moxman

    moxman I am proud to call Rosie, my best friend =) Forum Pro

    Dumb question, why are you guys "divorcing" your own families?
  5. PhoenixFailed

    PhoenixFailed SF Supporter

    No such thing as a dumb question. I am misusing the word to mean no longer having contact with one's family or part thereof. We both come from abusive families that do not change their ways or apologize and now both use other methods of abuse. He cut contact with his parents, which the led to his brothers also cutting off contact--they were separated from each other in their parents actual divorce.

    I still keep contact with my nuclear family and all their disfunction. My parents are still together, although they should probably not be, but not my decision. I am very close to my sister and we talk frequently (and I love my little niece, I am so lucky). I don't talk to my brother often, but when we call we are 100% there for each other. I fear losing contact with them. We do not talk about growing up in our house--no one has made a pact not to, we just don't.

    My dad still calls me the worst daughter (I'm flipping 44 years old now) and last summer and Christmas, the whole family got together without inviting me. My father has said he is not sorry and would do everything over again if he could (I have bone chips in my back from his treatment and multiple fractures that healed incorrectly and cause a lot of physical pain to this day).

    Neither my BF or I had children together or in previous marriages or relationships, so we are not talking about families we had a say in the creation of. Sorry for the over-explaining--job hazard of an elementary administrator and teacher.
  6. moxman

    moxman I am proud to call Rosie, my best friend =) Forum Pro

    ok, so you are not cutting out the whole family, just the bad apples, and keep the good ones?

    Sounds like your sister , and you are very close. how old is your niece?

    Your brother and you also sound close. You guys don't talk often, but you don't need to.

    when , you remove the parents , how are your sister and brother going to handle it? do they support you?

    I ask a lot of questions, so i can get a better picture of your situation , please don't think i am belittling you or something. =)
    PhoenixFailed likes this.
  7. BarryW

    BarryW Well-Known Member

    If you have been bottling up your emotions for 44+ years then it only natural that they come out at some point. Sharing your true feelings may be new ground for you but try to think of this as an opportunity to heal and to start being more honest with those around you (instead of keeping new problems to yourself). It's going to be tougher in some ways, but you may find it better than keeping things inside to point of getting suicidial/breaking.
  8. PhoenixFailed

    PhoenixFailed SF Supporter

    No worries, I do not feel belittled. I am afraid that I will lose contact with my brother and sister too as my BF did. Since my family has a unspoken rule about not mentioning the past, am my sister broke down and said she could just not hear it after she said she could hear me screaming when I was little about two years ago. I thought maybe there was a new openness and so I said that must have been scary for her because I remember hearing our dog being beaten and she totally shut down and could not go on. I'm terrified. It will all break down.

    My BF just opened the door and told me that if I do not have words with my family, he will. And if I break up with him, he will let them all know how screwed up I am because of them. Too sad and mad to go on.
  9. PhoenixFailed

    PhoenixFailed SF Supporter

    I have been to therapy for about 30 years. I just don't do big anger. It is not helpful to any living creature. Please don't interpret the brevity of my post as anything other than a reaction I am having to my BF meaning the threats mentioned in the reply before my reply to you. I will think more about what you have said when I'm not so sad, scared and disappointed. I truly do appreciate your response.
  10. moxman

    moxman I am proud to call Rosie, my best friend =) Forum Pro

    Whoa, what?!?!? That is totally not cool. he is emotionally blackmailing you to do something he wants, but you are not ready too. You and I my friend need to have a chat. =)
    PhoenixFailed and Flying Fox like this.
  11. moxman

    moxman I am proud to call Rosie, my best friend =) Forum Pro

    W H A T? girly, you and I need to talk.
    PhoenixFailed likes this.
  12. BarryW

    BarryW Well-Known Member

    Phoenix, I see from some of your more recent posts that you have been trying to open up with your family and therapists. I'm sorry for misinterpreting your earlier statement. I can understand the fear of trying to push the conversation too hard -- risking the current level of closeness with family for example. You are braver than I am in that regard, so props to you.

    Don't be tricked into false dilemmas put on you by the boyfriend or anyone else -- being forced to choose either A or B when really there are additional options of C, D, E... Take some time to think about what is best or talk to moxman there as he is offering.
    PhoenixFailed likes this.
  13. PhoenixFailed

    PhoenixFailed SF Supporter

    Please do not apologize, if there is something to be said for a hard past, it certainly would give me thicker skin than that. ;-) But you really didn't do anything that needs thick skin for or an apology.

    Family is tricky, is it not? But nothing can make me give up my siblings and niece. I've worked with professionals for nearly 30 years to be this at peace with mine. But some families require a great deal of bravery just to think about, so don't sell yourself short on bravery!

    It is an excellent warning not to get tricked into a false binary. I will have some creative thinking about what my other options are. Excellent food for thought! Thank you so much!