I have been diagnosed with depression and suicidal... First time in my life I've felt this way. The therapist said I needed a stres soutlet and I don't have one, and now, everything is falling apart around me. I have been taking care of mom who is still recovering from cancer. I was in a bad relationship that took it's toll on me. I blame everything on myself. She made my life even harder after she left. My family took her side and instead of being supportive, they throw verbal insults at me. I see no joy, or anything worth the fight to keep going. The nights are too long, and mornings are even worse! At least sleep gives me rest from the pain and loneliness left inside. On a good day, I can put my happy "mask" on and no one is the wiser... on bad days, I don't get out of bed and I just cry allday long. I have just finally decided I need peace. I gave away most of what mattered to me. I have written good bye letters to everyone that really matters to me. I wake up feeling drunk, my body is numb, I can focus and I find it hard to do the simple things. Sometimes the sadness gets too much that I just want it to end. I keep thinking that death would be a release for me at this point. During those brief moments of rational thinking, I seek help, much like right now. But, when the world is quiet, and the darkness begins to consume me, I want to hide and get away no matter what I have to do. I got drunk a few nights ago, and still couldn't drink enough to pass out, so I took a couple of mom's morphine pills. I slept until the following night. But at least I slept. I'm afraid that one night I'm just gonna take the entire bottle. Please help me find a reason to keep going. And family will not just do it. They seem to backstab me any chance they get.