Too hard to go on

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by daredevil22r, Jul 6, 2009.

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  1. daredevil22r

    daredevil22r Member

    I have been diagnosed with depression and suicidal... First time in my life I've felt this way. The therapist said I needed a stres soutlet and I don't have one, and now, everything is falling apart around me. I have been taking care of mom who is still recovering from cancer. I was in a bad relationship that took it's toll on me. I blame everything on myself. She made my life even harder after she left. My family took her side and instead of being supportive, they throw verbal insults at me.
    I see no joy, or anything worth the fight to keep going. The nights are too long, and mornings are even worse! At least sleep gives me rest from the pain and loneliness left inside. On a good day, I can put my happy "mask" on and no one is the wiser... on bad days, I don't get out of bed and I just cry allday long. I have just finally decided I need peace. I gave away most of what mattered to me. I have written good bye letters to everyone that really matters to me.
    I wake up feeling drunk, my body is numb, I can focus and I find it hard to do the simple things. Sometimes the sadness gets too much that I just want it to end. I keep thinking that death would be a release for me at this point. During those brief moments of rational thinking, I seek help, much like right now. But, when the world is quiet, and the darkness begins to consume me, I want to hide and get away no matter what I have to do. I got drunk a few nights ago, and still couldn't drink enough to pass out, so I took a couple of mom's morphine pills. I slept until the following night. But at least I slept. I'm afraid that one night I'm just gonna take the entire bottle.
    Please help me find a reason to keep going. And family will not just do it. They seem to backstab me any chance they get.
  2. Mikeintx

    Mikeintx Well-Known Member

    Daredevil, first welcome to the forum, I hope you find some comfort here.

    I am sorry to hear about your current situation and just know that eventually things WILL get better as hard as it is to see right now. Right now just try to take it day by day and keep working through your therapy. Eventually things will workout, as someone who has beaten depression I can attest to this :hug:
  3. LenaLunacy

    LenaLunacy Well-Known Member

    I know things seem bleak right now but i agree with Mikeintx, things can and will get better, you've just got to give it time.
    It sucks that you've been diagnosed with depression but many people have been diagnosed with depression and come through it. And so can you. :hug:
  4. Petal

    Petal SF dreamer Staff Member Safety & Support SF Supporter

    Hello and welcome to the forum,

    You'll find many people here that can relate to you,so keep reaching out.
    Keep fighting this depression, it will get better.
    I'm glad you have a therapist to talk to, are you on medication too? :hug:
  5. daredevil22r

    daredevil22r Member

    Not on medication. I need to be able to function while taking care of mom. Plus, I'm sure that the meds will eventually loose it's effect as my body gets used to it.
    I'm surrounding myself with friends, but sometimes I get lonely and I begin to think that it would make other people's lives easier.
  6. bright1

    bright1 Well-Known Member

    I know just how you feel when you say that you get out of bed in the morning feeling drunk. I used to describe it as sleepwalking; I would go through my day without feeling connected to what I was doing. On the worst days I would seem to move in slow motion and imagined that anyone watching me would think I was on thorazine or something.

    And I know all about putting on that cheerful mask so no one would know how I feel. Why do we do that? Why can't we just admit that we're depressed, that we're in trouble? That's something I'm working on.

    Are you sure an anti-depressant won't help you? They always worked for me, didn't interfere with my functioning and didn't seem to lose their effectiveness. Could you try them?

    I think at some point a person has to take care of herself even if it means that a family member has to cope with their own problems without her. I wonder whether if your mother and your family knew how you were really feeling they would volunteer to take the burden of caring for your mother from you. Maybe they won't, but they would have no choice if you just stopped doing it. Maybe they wouldn't understand, but who cares? Later on you can explain that stepping away from the role of caretaker saved your life.
  7. daredevil22r

    daredevil22r Member

    My younger sisters have stepped up and are helping more now. You can say that I get the morning shift, and they get the afternoon and night shift. It has helped. At least I can go to my room and cry in private and not worry about being bothered.
    I still feel drunk, numb, and my head still hurts. But being here and on other forums has been helping. I will see about the medication. Maybe I am being paranoid. Thank you all...
  8. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    Hey i am glad you got some help taken care of your mom. I know it is hard my mom has cancer too and i had to do everything too. I am telling you i fought the idea of medication for so long didn't want them didn't need them but god they are helping It took me 3 trys but they are kicking in after 6 weeks and i am now able to function. I am not lying in bed all day I am not crying for no fff reason I have some control back in my life. Give the meds a try what do you have to loose. If one doesn't work then try again like i said 3 tries and now i am not totally healed but i am functioning. Take care of you so you can have the strength to take care of others okay best of luck take care mary
  9. nevertheanswer

    nevertheanswer Active Member

    That's good that you joined this forum, daredevil22r, because we know that you want everything to change! This is a good way of letting it all out - that stress outlet you need.

    Keep surrounding yourself with friends because they can help make you feel good about yourself. Talk to them if you have problems. I'm sure they will understand.

    Medications are only temporary relief. What matters is your own desire to improve. But, if your medications are helping you, take them, but only when you really long for it.

    Do it for your Mom because she absolutely needs you.

    Take care.
  10. daredevil22r

    daredevil22r Member

    I was doing better. Writing seems to help. Then, my ex girlfriend shows up at my door to check up on me. Def not what I needed. Now I feel like crap. I miss her and it's adding to the depression.
    I told her to leave me alone like I was leaving her alone. I hope she does because I almost swallowed my mom's morphine pills as my mom was taken back to the ER.
    I didn't, and my mom returned with better news. But still, I am afraid to speak with family about it.
  11. daredevil22r

    daredevil22r Member

    This time I feel the need to end it. I am burned out. I do not feel the energy to keep going anymore. I'm tired, lonely, and there is an emptiness inside that echos in my heart. I am trying to keep going, but I can't find a reason why.
    Everyone treats me like a door mat. I feel that they wont miss me when I'm gone. I can't do this much longer.
  12. hellohello

    hellohello Member

    hello i hope you are feeling better... it sounds like you are going through an unbearable time... i hope you have friends who willlisten to you... i'm so sorry you are going through all this... is your mum okay? are you not close with your younger sisters
    i am sorry i don't know what to say really... but sounds like you really need to talk... can you go somewhere for therapy...i've been depressed on and off for years... the last few years being the worst in terms of frequency, i am finally getting help in the form of intensive therapy... that is, i see someone three to four times a week.... it means the world to me... friends don't know what to say sometimes and it feels like they're turning their backs on you, which isso hurtful... it's so good to have someone you know will not turn her back on you... i hope you will be okay and i really hope things will get so much better for you...xxxxxxxxxx
  13. daredevil22r

    daredevil22r Member

    Mom is in the ER right now! She gave up trying to fight. Her body responded by swelling up as if her stomach was pregnant you could say.
    what is there left to live for? If all I see is my mom rotting away. A slow death. I don't want that for her. I wish god would just take her. When I go, I'm going to hell anyways, so why not just speed it up?
  14. sweetpea0

    sweetpea0 Well-Known Member

    I to have been diagnosed with major depression. So many doctors had put me on different medications and I was messed up for awhile. I finally found a doctor that has helped me. If you keep trying maybe you will find the help you need.
  15. daredevil22r

    daredevil22r Member

    It's been a hard battle. Up and down a lot! I spent sunday night with my mom. It's sad really. Saturday I just distracted myself. I need something to look forward to and sometimes I find it, sometimes I don't.
    Mornings are the hardest now. Evenings kinda get me down, but I cope by writing things down. I try to focus on other things but it's hard. I don't want to kill myself. I don't think anyone really does. You'll miss out on the rest of your life. The birth of a child, see them grow up and have their own. Growing old and seeing how the world advances. But, in a moment of extreme sadness, and weakness, our will to live just vanishes and we are left with that empty feeling inside. Those times are the ones I fear the most. Which is why mornings are so hard.
  16. daredevil22r

    daredevil22r Member

    It happened... My greatest fear. A moment of weakness. I gave in. Now, I feel worse than before. I could've found my peace and yet, here I am. A handfull of pills, and water. All that did was put me to sleep for a 18 hours, then throwing it all up in a plant in the backyard. Still feeling dizzy even today.
    Failure in all respects. Can even to that right.
  17. daredevil22r

    daredevil22r Member

    So here I am thinking I was ok, then it all crept in again. Help! I just want to be at peace, I hate this feeling. Therapy has helped. But I'm just not strong enough
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