Too hard to stop without support

Discussion in 'Self Harm & Substance Abuse' started by thepainwithin, Oct 13, 2013.

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  1. thepainwithin

    thepainwithin Well-Known Member

    Lately I've been drinking a lot and smoking pot. My consumption is wayyyy down from it used to be but alcohol consumption is way up. I'm 23, still in college, I live in a dorm in a dry campus. Last night I went outside and smoked a quick joint, came back in to my room and like an hour later there was a cop at my door. Apparently it smelled like pot in the hall. I didn't get caught for the pot, the cop asked if anyone had smoked in my room, and I told him no, he asked if he could come in and I said ok, he didn't see anything, didn't smell anything so he left. I don't know if it was me, but I'm pretty sure I just wreaked when I came back in. I ended up getting in trouble for drinking with the RAs. I'm 23 and I can't drink a 6 pack by myself in my room on a Saturday night.

    I'm pissed they called the cops. I want to blame them, but it was probably my fault. I'm still mad at them because they act like they are my friends then they call the police on me. It sucks because its like I'm being babysat in this dorm. Can't leave without them seeing, can't come back in without them seeing. Can't drink, can't have more than 1 guest escorted at all times, hell, you can't even open the window because its glued shut. I can't blame them, but I do. I over here the RAs talking about weed and they say "just go outside", and they still call the cops. This dorm sucks. It sucks so much. Then they act like nothing happened the next day when I see them. They act like everything's just fine and they didn't just try to get me arrested.

    I'm 350 miles from home, I don't have 1 friend here and, as much as I've wanted to make friends, I have been my own worst enemy never wanting to do anything with my roommate. I have so many acquaintances, not one friend.

    So I drink a lot and smoke occasionally. All I want to do is be left alone, but even when I'm alone by myself watching tv they still can't leave me alone. I want to quit drinking and smoking but it's do hard being so alone. All the time. Alone in classes, alone in my room, eating alone, studying alone, walking everywhere alone, working out alone.

    It sucks. All this aloneness and I still get in trouble. They just can't leave me the fuck alone. It's like the world just keeps saying "fuck you, things are finally going ok, well fuck you". I've been trying so hard to stay out of trouble and just get through this last year of school.

    Last year I moved into a house, 1 week later I moved out. I was the only guy over 21 at a party 7 people I lived with and didn't even know we're throwing. Their friends were smoking pot outside and the cops chased them into the house. My room was locked but I had some pot inside. I almost fainted in front of the cop out of nervousness. Aghhhhgfuck. I want to quit but there's nothing else. There's nobody. Nobody. Fuck

    I get drunk then I hate that I get drunk and just a few weeks ago I got drunk and put a <edit mod total eclipse method> I'm so fucking alone. It's been 2.5 years since any kind of intimacy. And I'm addicted to porn and it just makes me hate myself even more that I can't control it.

    The second they say there's another bed in another dorm for me, I'm gone. It might seem a little drastic, but it can't be worse than this place. I don't have one friend here.
    Last edited by a moderator: Oct 23, 2013
  2. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    You go to the councilor at your school and you get some help some therapy set up to get you to decrease your usage of alcohol
    Also they can help you not feel so alone in that you will have someone to talk to who will listen to you and not judge you
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