Too hard

Discussion in 'Help Me! I Need to Talk to Someone.' started by PoisonIV, Sep 2, 2012.

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  1. PoisonIV

    PoisonIV New Member

    Please stick with me while I write my story. I haven't ever done anything like this before but am now at the stage where I am the edge and looking over judging when I should jump.

    To sum up the majority of life; it has been hell and to tell you my story I need to start from the beginning.

    I was brought up in a strict Catholic family. God was everywhere and watching, if you did something wrong my father would punish us. I was not physically abused by my father, he himself was brought up to smack/slap his children and rarely did the punishment go further than on the bottom or hands. I was sent to a private Catholic boarding school where at the age of 8 I became a full time border. This is the point that my life changed and I didnt think it can ever be changed again.

    At the school the boarding side was run by nuns, who were looking after us and there was a couple of other ladies who were not nuns but lived at the school and helped the nuns with the children. We were told what we could do and couldn't do and God would severely punish us if we lied. One Winter just after Christmas we had a very heavy snow and being cold we were sent to bed early to keep warm. Once you were in bed and said your final prayer talking was strictly fore bidden. On this night a few of the other girl were whispering about what they had done over the Christmas period, I was in need to the bathroom so asked them to stop talking while I opened the door to leave the room. At that moment the dormitory door was swung open and one of the nuns and her assistance's stormed in and grabbed me by the hair and forced me on the floor and began shouting at me for talking after lights out. I tried explaining though my tears that I was trying to go to the toilet, she pulled me up by hair and demanded I tell her the truth. I was so scared I was shaking and I unfortunately wet myself in the process. When this was noticed I was thrown to the floor and made to mop the mess up with my nightdress.

    I was then dragged out of the room and taken downstairs and taken to the side entrance to the boarding house, the door was then unlocked and opened. It was no longer snowing but it was very cold and the snow was deep. I was taken out to a bench which was not too far from the door and was told to sit there until I could stop lying, and with that she left me alone. I was still just in my nightdress which now was wet, It was very dark outside and the only things I could see was the outline of the trees in the distance. I contemplated running away to find a family member and get warm, but the thought of the punishment that might come for that reason would be worse. I was starting to get very cold and my bare feet in the snow were hurting they were so cold. I had my watch on and had already been outside for 40 Min's. When it got to an hour in cold I started to cry and hoped that someone would let me in soon. I could see lights were still on in the building so I know they hadn't forgot me. Another hour passed, I had tucked my legs under me and moved my arms out of the sleeves and was now huddled into my nightdress, I began to sing hymns to keep myself warm and think that they would please God so that I would be able to go inside in the warm. Finally after a further 30 Min's the door opened and I was told to get inside. As I tried to get off the bench it hurt so badly, I was so cold and tired and still shaking as I stepped inside. I was being told off still for talking, I was too tired and in pain to answer back. I was taken straight back to the dorm room where there was a bucket of soapy water and a scrubbing brush. I was told clear up my dirty mess where I had my accident earlier. The water on my hand felt like needles piecing my skin but I scrubbed and dried the area. Only then was allowed back to bed after changing out of my wet cold nightdress. I don't remember much of the rest of the night, but I know i was still very cold and shaking so much that i kept alto of the other girls awake with my teeth chattering throughout the night. I remember still being very cold for the next few days and my feet and bottom had red sores on them which I was told was my punishment from God.

    I did tell my parents what happened when I next saw them. By that time the sores had gone and they didn't really believe me. They thought I had dreamt it or was exaggerating and just was making up stories so I didn't have to go back to school, I tried to explain to them that it was real but I think that they thought something like that wouldn't happen with a school full of nuns.

    I became quite sensitive after that occasion was always scared of doing something wrong. And it seemed I couldn't do anything right. Not long after that eventful night I was in the dinner queue at supper time when I got to the front of the queue I noticed that it was macaroni cheese for dinner. I replied that I was allergic to cheese and was there something else that I could have instead. I got told no and to be grateful, so I took my plate and also my slice of bread and butter and sat down. I ate my bread and butter as I knew I wouldn't be able to eat the main dinner. A nun came past and told me to eat my food, I replied that I was allergic to cheese and I couldn't eat it. I got told to eat it.. God had prepared that food and that there were staving children in the world that could live of that food for a week and to stop being ungrateful. I pushed the food around my plate in hope that they would think that I was eating it. The nun then rang the bell and said that everyone had to completely finish everything on their plate before they could leave their table and that they would be checking. One by one the nuns were letting people leave the table and stack their plates, Then they got to me I still hadn't eaten anything off my plate and it was now cold and starting to congeal. I was told that if i hadn't finished eating that plate of Gods food when the last person left they would force feed me. I was starting to shake again but I knew that if I ate it I would be sick. Eventually it was just me and the nun left in room, I tried again to explain that I was allergic to cheese and was sorry but I couldn't eat the food. She grabbed the fork and told me to open my mouth, I started to cry that I couldn't. So she forces the fork in my lip hard, the pain made me open my mouth, in which she put the cold food in my mouth, the taste was awful and I was really starting to cry now. I was not swallowing the food and she forced another fork of food in my mouth before saying that if I did not swallow the food I would be punished further. I swallowed the food, and she continued to feed me more and more until half the plate was gone. That when I started to feel sick, I was crying and shaking and my lip was bleeding from where she had jabbed me with the fork, before I knew it was being violent sick, over and over again. I was dragged back to the boarding house and the toilets there where i was being continuously sick and a rash was all over my face. The school nurse was called and she advised they took me to hospital. My parents were called and were informed as to what was happening. When they arrived at the hospital the nun said that I had eaten my dinner and then just started being sick and bit my lip when so upset at being sick. When they asked what was for dinner and they were informed, my father confirmed that I was allergic to cheese and that I knew I shouldn't have it, to which the nun replied that clearly I must of just forgot. After I was given some medication, I was allowed to leave the hospital but I clung to my mum and refused to let go. The nun was saying for me not to be silly and that they would look after me, but I was not letting go and my mum said perhaps it was best that I went home with them for the night. I told my parents again what had happened, and again it was put down to an over active imagination.

    I was getting injured by the nuns and their staff for many years until at the age of 13, my parents finally agreed to let me change schools. I thought that this would of been the end of any problems at school and that I would start to feel better. I think that now this was just wishful thinking. I was sent to another Catholic school and although I was not a border anymore and was attending a mixed sex school, I was heavily bullied. I was the posh girl, and found it hard to make friends and was often left isolated from the rest of the class. I was relieved to leave school and college and start work at the age of 18.

    I never had much confidence with men and always gave off this big bravado that I was. It was through work that I met this one guy who became my boyfriend, By this stage I was no longer a virgin but I wasn't really and expert when it came to sex. My boyfriend asked me over to watch some films one night and I was looking forward to it, thinking that I was a grown up now and that's what couples did. However I didn't know what was going to happen. We were watching the film Titanic and I noticed that he was getting closer and closer and he put his arms around me and we were kissing, He wanted to take things further but I didn't want to and kept saying no, I am not ready yet. He slapped me hard across my face and told me that I should be grateful that he would want to "f**k me". I said I was leaving and he kicked me hard in the back as I stood to get up. I fell to the floor where he flew on top of me I fought him off me and ran out of the door and ran home and saw that I had a massive bruise on my back and a red hand print on my face. I went to bed and cried and felt like that 8 year old girl again.

    I left home and managed to keep renting a little 1 bedroom flat. I felt really peaceful and was determined not to let anyone hurt me anymore. In my mid twenties I was introduced to a guy who I became quite smitten with and he with me. We got very close and were always round each other places and I trusted him. He was slightly older than me but we had a lot in common. I even had a key to his front door. All that changed one night when we were in bed and he said he wanted to try something new. He wanted to try anal sex with me as he had done it before with other partners. I said that I didn't want to do it as it was something that did not appeal to me. He seemed to accept it. I fell asleep in his arms. I woke up to find that I was on my front and he was parting me and he put himself inside me. I screamed in pain and told him to stop and that he was hurting me he put his hand on my head and pushed me down on the pillow so my sceams were muffled. I was begging him to stop and was screaming no over and and over again. He was just saying that I loved it really and that he knew i wanted it. When he was finished he went straight back to sleep. I collected my clothes and left leaving him a message never to contact me again. I was confused at what had happened, he was my boyfriend and we had regular sex so it couldn't be rape, and I knew and he knew that no-one would think that it was anything more than sex between a couple. I also knew that he doted on his daughter from a previous relationship and I didn't want to be the person to ruin that for her.

    I did finally meet another guy. Who is now my husband. He is gentle and quiet and treats me ok. I don't think he loves me and I am just a means to an end for him. We did trying for a baby however I had suffered 7 miscarriages and I see it as me being punished for something I have done wrong. I have never been very successful with a career and never seem to have a face that fits so always get passed over for any promotion. I just don't deserve one maybe,

    Last year I had a little breakdown and was referred to my local mental health team who have me on lots of different medication since I was diagnosed with Post Traumatic Stress Disorder and Depression. I am on a waiting list to see a psychologist but I have been waiting a while.

    Earlier in the year I made an attempt to end my life. I obviously didn't succeed and all it achieved was making everyone mad at me and looking at me as I was a bad person. Which I truly believe I am.

    I did have 3 week of feeling ok, but over the last 7 days I have been feeling very very low. I do have a care co-ordinator, but I know if I call him he will say I think to following a steps manual and distance myself and distract. I have been doing that constantly for days now and it's not working.

    All I want to do is be at peace and I know that ending it all will bring that to me
  2. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    You want the pain and sadness to end hun not your life You husband hun he loves you you just don't want to believe someone could What the nuns did was so wrong hun and i wish in time you could bring charges against them if you could remember who they were. I posted earlier hun for some reason it did not go through Call your support worker ok if do not get back to you then call crisis line or go to hospital YOU hun deserve only compassion and understanding so please hun take care of YOU ok hugs
  3. Ajean

    Ajean Well-Known Member

    I don't know what to say, I'm sorry you've been through so much. But I wanted you to know that I read your story. And none of any of the things that have happened are your fault.
  4. youRprecious!

    youRprecious! Antiquities Friend

    IV, honey .... thank you so much for writing your story out. I read it, totally amazed at the cruelty of those nuns - they were so WRONG, WRONG WRONG honey..... it's terrible that sort of treatment. I am so sorry you had that - all that - done to you. I totally feel for how you must be feeling inside, and that the authority figures you've encountered in your life just were - well, it's hard to find words to describe - and then the "love" word also has been contaminated by abuse.

    The idea of God always watching, ready to pounce and punish at our least mistake, is a parody of how God is really like..... because He isn't like that at all honey - ppl just imagine him to be a tyrannical judge because that's how they've come to think of him (parents) and they give us the impression that He's like that.

    Parents, a lot of the time, act out of concealed fear - they think it's in our best interests, but we can end up with "God-abuse" as well as all the other kinds. I really hope that you are able to find a good counsellor who can help in your healing from all that has gone wrong for you honey - SF is also a lovely caring place to bring our woundedness to - no judgement and full acceptance :)

    Life does seem too hard, alright - when we try to live up to impossible standards that are not even real honey. But the way into healing is to realise that, actually, we can slowly begin to learn new truths that can heal us, new insights that can medicate the pain - I've been learning these (ok, far too slowly, but am pointed in the right direction any rate) the last 15 years after trying to end my life because of this sort of stuff too. Please feel free to PM if you'd like :)
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