too late for me?

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by alreadygone, Jul 13, 2009.

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  1. alreadygone

    alreadygone New Member

    Well, this might end up getting kind of long and maybe it's over nothing. I have been contemplating suicide for about a week now. It is to the point where I have had <Mod Edit - Acy - Methods>. For some reason something is stopping me though. I keep telling myself- tomorrow, I'll do it tomorrow but I can never work up the courage.
    I am eighteen years old- and sick of people telling me that I am too young to want to die and that I have so much ahead of me- because I don't. I have seen my share of s*** and I'm ready for it all to be over. I am not saying "poor me" or that I am the worst-off person in the world, but I have no one to talk to and want to explain. I had a pretty rocky start to my life. My folks are drug addicts and my dad sexually abused me. They also allowed their drug dealer and several of their friends to take turns with me in the bedroom for drugs or drug money. Well, my mom got arrested when I was fourteen and I was alone with my dad and little bro. I ran away and lived on the streets for a month right before my fifteenth birthday. When I was found, I was extremely traumatized and was sent to the psych hospital. My dad got in trouble and I haven't seen him since.
    I was then in residential treatment and a few foster homes, but then I attempted suicide and ended up in another hospital. I have really bad nightmares and flashbacks and <Mod Edit - Acy - Methods> while in the psych hosp. but was found. That was in October. I was there until February and that was the best time of my life. I actually wanted to live. I had hope. I had people I trusted. To me that was the world. I got Christmas presents. I was special to people. For the first time in 17 years. Well, in Feb., one of the nurses there, "Meg", tried take me in to her home after I turned 18. I was really close to several of the staff there (one in particular named Emma) because I was there for so long and they helped me so much. They did special things for me because I had no one else in the world. I was so close to Emma and she was the first person I ever really talked to about my past, she helped me really get past it. She was actually the one who found me <Mod Edit - Acy - Methods> when I attempted and she got me to the point where I promised I would never do it again. I loved her so much.
    When it was time to leave there, I had to go to a short-term residential program to slowly get me back into the community. But I kept in touch with "Meg" and we planned for me to come live with her and everything in my life seemed so perfect. Emma was going to visit me once I was home and life was great. I was so happy. But then, the wrong ears got ahold of our plan and they fired "Meg" from her job and she was forbidden to ever speak to me again. Just like that. I never even got to say goodbye. The only real mother I ever had was gone.
    So once I turned 18 in March, I was on my own with nowhere to go. I was in a shelter before I decided to call my mother for the first time in 4 years. We talked and arranged for me to live with my aunt. But I had to leave there because my uncle wouldn't let me stay, so I was homeless again. I spent some time with my mom but I hate her. I really do. She is no good for me at all. I really have no one. Emma is afraid to talk to me because she will lose her job and the only person I have any contact with is someone else who worked there and we only email eachother. He is really great too though, but his hands are also tied. I lost my job because of a situation involving my father and now I'm in such a bad situation. I am pretty much homeless but am forced to spend some nights at my mom's boyfriend's place. I lost my insurance from the state the day I turned 18 and can't afford my depression meds. I'm sick of going on like this. It is too much. I don't see how it can ever get better and I don't want to go to another hospital and listen to some more bull**** about how I have something to live for- just so I can get my hopes up just to come crashing back down. All I want is to be loved and I had that once and lost it. I can't let anyone else in. The only thing that holds me back when I'm about to slip that noose over my head is that stupid promise I made to Emma. I really look up to her and she means so much to me like a sister. I promised I wouldn't do it. I promised her. I can't lie to her. But it's not like she's around anymore, and I don't even know if she still cares so why not? Why not? The only thing stopping me is something that is gone forever. I can't live like this on my own. I can't deal with all of my issues alone. I feel alone. I just want it all to end. I never want another person to come to me and promise me that they are different and that they really care because I can't go through this again. I can't wake up from one more nightmare of what happened to me and have no one to talk to about it. I can't take one more night of having to sleep at my mom's boyfriend's house because it's raining outside and i don't want to sleep in the rain. I don't want another night of sleeping on a park bench. I don't want another day of hunger. I want it all to end. I am so ready. I'm ready. But I can't stand the thought of hurting the only 3-4 people I have ever loved.
    Last edited by a moderator: Jul 13, 2009
  2. Acy

    Acy Mama Bear - TLC, Common Sense Staff Member Safety & Support


    I'm sorry to hear of the troubles you've been faced with. Sounds like tough times there. But so far you have survived and that is the main thing. I am quite sure it can feel insurmountable - part of that is because you feel alone. Now that you have joined SF, you will have support - people to vent to, ask questions of, maybe even find some practical suggestions for how to get back on your feet and into the community again.

    I don't know anything about how your state medical insurance works so I can't really comment on that. I do wonder if there are any hospitals or charitable organizations that could help you out and get you in touch with low-rent housing/public housing, shelters, medical care and medication costs. If you don't know where to turn, one idea is to go to a public library and ask the librarian for some help on find such groups and their local contact information. My bet is that someone will help you do that.

    I want to mention here that SF is a pro-life site - so members are not allowed to discuss specifics of methods they're tried or plan to try. I've edited references out of your original post and you'll get a brief e-mail about it.

    Please don't give up. Keep coming here and talking to us. PM me, if you wish, and maybe I can think of some more options for housing and medical costs. I'm sure there is at least some kind of help you might access.

    I'm thinking of you and hope that you just keep holding on. As I said before, you've survived to now, so a bit longer to get the assistance you need is do-able, hun!

  3. Sadeyes

    Sadeyes Staff Alumni

    Hi and welcome...I think you under estimate your strength...look at all you have been through and how 'intact' your spirit seems...I hated the world long before I loved it as it was very cruel to me too...but, today, life is much better...please PM me if I can support you in any way...big hugs, J
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