Too late now...

Discussion in 'Rants, Musings and Ideas' started by expressive_child, Oct 31, 2007.

  1. expressive_child

    expressive_child Well-Known Member

    You have to face the fact that you can't change what has happened before, though you said that to me a lot but you don't mean it yourself, so I guess its better you just keep it to yourself. You like to think you can make mistakes, I mean, its more than just a mistake, its mistake that has gotten worst cause you refuse to change your ways when you should have and now that everything is over, you think you can just apologize and assume it will all be forgiven and all? ain't over and never will, yeah....I guess thats why some people told me 'there are mistakes you just can't make'. Its really too bad you did, and you think its fine.

    You won't understand what its like to grow up with people that never showed love to you though they are the ones who's supposed to be the most loving of all people. I know you can't accept this, and neither can I. I may be young, but I understand that I can't always put the blame on fate or others for not giving me a good example. As for you, you shamelessly put the blame on your own parents. You said you didn't have an example to follow, but then, do I have one then? You were much older and experienced than I then, and yet you can actually say such irresponsible words like 'its not my fault cause we didn't know how to', 'that you didn't have anyone to exemplify' etc.

    I would be more open and forgiving if you can just admit that you were not being the mum you should've. And that you didn't have enough of true love to be a mother. If you want to blame it on dad, go ahead. But fact remains, you and him have made a mistake you know deep within, that you can't change and I sincerely believe you find it hard to even forgive yourself, so don't think I can actually just let it go. I wanted to, but you wouldn't let me. You have to bear the consequences of your mistakes, just like I have to, even though it wasn't my fault for the most part cause I could and I would have done better if only I knew what challenges I would be facing then.

    You can't understand what its like to be obtuse, slow and often being labeled as ineffective and things like that. I wish I can change that, but I know (and sadly I know too much) this road ahead is way too long, much longer than most people I know, this I can tell you for sure. In spite of that, I am alive today and though I can't really understand why, but then I can't be sure how long more can I last this way. Deep down, I know no matter how hard I tried, I have to face it all alone because you weren't there for me and even if you want to be there for me now, I can't take you as you are, because I doubt if you have really changed. Sorry to say that I think you are just afraid and refused to face the consequences of your mistakes and so, you just want me to forget it and pretend as if nothing has happened.

    I am not sure how others would call it, I call it irresponsibility and unrepentance. I myself can't believe, that a once cheerful, happy go lucky and goofy daydreaming kid is now a shadow of what he used to be after 23 years. I know its no surprise to feel blue, but its surprising to me, that I am 23 and speak as if I have lived for a hundred years. Maybe I am weak, maybe I can't face reality, maybe I am exactly what you said - that I am stupid and will never make it in life. Perhaps you are right, if you were wrong, I wouldn't be saying all these words right now would I? But I still can't believe you didn't want to changed it, you didn't try to. And as I think about it, 'love' is such an overrated word. If you do believe you have given me adequate love, then its really really sad for me to say that you may be old, but you know too little about love and your conception of love is as shallow as a fish pond.

    Yet, you won't admit that you didn't gave me the love you should. So I'll assume thats all you know about love in spite of your age. Like it nor, I think its a shame. After all, I am still living, yet never knowing what love is and even so, I will be on my own cause people can only help me so much, and being imperfect, there is nothing much people can do no matter how kind they are or how hard they try to. Truth is, a motherly love is incomparable to any other because its the most genuine of all if you ask me, because its through mothers that every child in this world exist, and if their own mums couldn't love them, then I can only imagine how can they ever feel loved by anyone else. Maybe they can find love elsewhere, but fact remains, motherly love is irreplaceable. If one does not have it, I guess they never will and I wish I am wrong about this.

    After all, I can't believe I have to even be here. Why should I? Why can't I be going out with other kids or hang out in the shopping mall or watching a movie? Why? Why do I sit here talking to myself? Maybe you want to answer this question? Yeah....I believe you know what I mean. After all these years, I have finally understood that I am truly alone and life will always be harsh for me. Life is sad indeed, because love is not for the lonely. Only lonely hearts like me knows how it feels I guess. I may be able to forget what has happened but I can't erase it from my head and I sure can't cast aside all of the pain it has caused. I didn't invited it, yet it came to me and if you think you are not to be blamed for that, then I can only face myself then.

    I need you to know, that I can forgive you for all that you've done, but I can't sincerely call you 'mum'. There is no way I can do that. Because it hurts just to talk or be with you. And for a son to actually feel hurt just being with his mum, it must have take a lot and if you claim to be experienced and know so much about life, then the only reason you can't understand this is a lack of genuine love and I like to believe you are merely in denial. Even if I am ready to go someday, you will still remain the same person I knew all my life and nothing more than that. I do thank you for your time in taking care of me and bringing up my worthless self but I guess that is all I can thank you for.

    There is so much more I can say here, but I guess words are never enough to describe how I feel after all these years. If I were to write about my life in a novel or anything, my guess is I won't finish it if I live to be a hundred years old. All in all, I only wish I was born to be among the ordinary people. Too bad, I wasn't and I am not.