Too late to change

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Lorax, Dec 28, 2013.

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  1. Lorax

    Lorax Well-Known Member

    I'm sure it will be a week at most. More a few days. If i can stay devoted, i will be gone in two days tops. No need to say why, it's been accidental till recently. But, it's so far now, i will not do much to stay here.

    I can't believe how things turned. Three people i never thought i'd hear from again, all offering me forgiveness in a week? The one friend i feel closest too, basically doesn't care that i exist. My only other close friend has been the only one offering support/ company for a long time now.

    I actually want to go more now. I've been officially forgiven, and talked to people i missed. That seems like everyone's ideal end-phase goal. No need to be hurt by things going bad again. Besides, the people i'm close to no longer care. It's all perfect for dying, not so much living.

    I have my prescriptions to keep me sleeping, my mind comfortable, any pain away, even to aid in my process, and now i can od all that i want. Basically, i put my self in a self administered hospice.

    No need to feel sad. I feel so at peace now, so forgiving of everyone, so comfortable about my 'end' so understanding of life, and i know i won't be missed, but i won't be resented.

    I had a vision of my death once. I was surrounded by people who wanted me comfortable, and one person in particular is part of my life, that was in it, long before we met. Then as i peacefully died, peaceful/happy things you can't imagine happened. I look forward to seeing my oldest friend once more.. If only briefly. I hope i can help everyone here, after i go.
  2. demuredawn

    demuredawn Well-Known Member

    how are you going to help anyone after you go?
  3. cori

    cori Member

    What brought you to this no hope situation? I am almost there myself, but if I can help someone else I would like to. If you want to share I am here to listen!
  4. Lorax

    Lorax Well-Known Member

    I'll find a way. Won't force any religious views or anything. But, i've foreseen this for years.

    It's hard to say. Emotional/ sexual abuse? Trauma? Family life? Inability to support my self? Just an addict? I like to believe it's more than that, like i've found a reason beyond a need to be 'here' but the last 3 have made it hard too. That's a rare trait, to want to help.

    My body is rejecting this, it's very troublesome really.
  5. demuredawn

    demuredawn Well-Known Member

    i will respect what you say, only to say i do not see how you can help anyone after you are gone.... i am sorry you have been thru so much... i will also say that your body is rejecting it because of the strong will to survive.... perhaps there is a reason you cannot plainly see that you should want to survive... just a thought
  6. demuredawn

    demuredawn Well-Known Member

    sorry it duplicated my post
    Last edited by a moderator: Dec 28, 2013
  7. cori

    cori Member

    I am sorry I was not online for awhile. I have lost everything in my life, I live with my sister and have six boxes left to my name and I am an older life is pretty hard for me right now and that is how I wound up on this sight. But still would like to help someone in need, maybe by doing that I could feel some self worth again. Suffering and hurting all the time really stinks! I don't think you are online now, but please contact me if you want to talk it out!
  8. Lorax

    Lorax Well-Known Member

    In part, it's far less financial burden to others. My body always rejects my attempts. Suicide isn't a biolgical traight and so fourth. I don't know, i thought i was more prepared. I took small efforts to minmaly survive today, my body may be too damaged though. It's not clear if i can do much but try to reverse things.

    I lost everything too. My dog ran away, my ex ruined my trust/ ditched, lost my job, lost the house i was in (moved to a new one in the country), and i barely lucked out on a failed probation. It was a shitty week.. I always said if i lost my dog, i would give up. She was really the only friend who never hurt me, pathetic as it may sound.

    I don't know, my reason is partly pain, partly everyone basicaly treats me like a failed two year old, and largely just having nothing to gain. I tried for weeks to be cheerful, and even set up college (they refuse to send my admission info) i can't do basic things like call a doctor, or figure out simple issues if it requires socializing at all. No one understands that, so they just say 'you're an adult, do it your self' plus living at home, with no job, i get chewed out constantly. I really wouldn't mind living, if i could completely restart with the people i know. Like they said in an anime 'everyone treats others as worthless, so they can feel like they matter' i'm curious what they would say if they stopped to realize -why- i'm getting high all day, and trying to die?

    I haven't been that open about the exact crap going on in a while.. I chose to take steps to stop the process today, not 100% sure why. I kind of want to see if i'm as relaxed about dying, once the Xanax is all gone from my system at least. I'm also cutting off the f<<<< heads in my life. I guess wether my body accepts the effort, or not is up to life.
  9. demuredawn

    demuredawn Well-Known Member

    I'm glad taht you took a second look and decided to start trying to reverse the process, I hope you will continue to do so.... maybe even go to a doc or hospital to make sure there is no long term damage?
  10. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    I hope you do continue to reach out ok for the help you need to keep fighting dam depression hun i know it is hard. Who knows hun your dog may return and if you are not there then what I am happy you are not giving up just yet hugs
  11. Lorax

    Lorax Well-Known Member

    I gave in, and started repairing things. I couldn't stand the panic attacks any more, so i decided to hold off for now. I'm not 100% sure my life can be salvaged, everyone is so cold now, and my mind is all over the place.

    I keep swinging from great optimism, to severe depression/ anxiety. I'm trying hard to see things in a better way, but it's hard. I keep on switching too fast to know what i actually feel.

    Turns out all those people i 'came across again' were actually being polite, not really concerned. I figured as much though. I'm trying to develop a 'be kind, or f;:; off' attitude towards others. I can't deal with trying to earn people's attention any more.. Frankly no one should have to put -all- the effort in right? I think.. It's very diferent from my old self, but, he's been dead for a long time.
  12. demuredawn

    demuredawn Well-Known Member

    i am glad you are working on repairing things and trying to figure out ways of coping with things again... and yes i know its going to be very hard, but i'm proud of you just for trying....

    curious... how often do your moods switch like that from one extreme to the other... and is this something that is a "usual" thing for you, or is this a "new" thing?
  13. Lorax

    Lorax Well-Known Member

    Those words were greatly timed, no one seems to care that i try. I often wonder if it actually counts. It's sort of hard to 'try' if people just point out more faults, or blame you for their problems.

    The mood swings are daily, though usually consistent. Like weeks super 'high' no sleep, psychosis, ect. Then depressed. Lately though, it's hourly. I'm dissociating/ hallucinating so often, i actually feel more 'normal' that way.

    They say it's anything from Autism, to bp1, to schizophrenia, to major depression. My shrinks just keep playing 'pass the patient' saying the last person was wrong, and giving me drugs. I actually wonder if i'm having a seizure, or legitimate psychotic hallucination. Or if there is a toxicity (diabetes/ thyroid/ ect) causing my moods.

    They want me on disability, but i refused. I need to get a job to keep distracted. Not sure how, but i am going crazy in isolation.
  14. demuredawn

    demuredawn Well-Known Member

    My doctors spoke to me a year about going on disability before I even attempted to try, so I can understand the reluctance. It may give you the time you need to focus on yourself toward your end goal of getting better or at least getting to feeling like you are "you" most of the time and not just that you are your illness. Disability does not have to be permanent, its just a way of being able to survive while giving you the opportunity to do what you need to do in order to get better at times, and at other times if/when it becomes apparent the person has no hope of getting better, it is simply a method by which to survive. I don't know for sure where you fall on that.... if you can/will get better or not, but there is always hope that you will so long as there is energy in you to work for it. I am not saying that disability is right for you, only you can decide that. I am just trying to make sure you are able to look at all your options for what they are.

    Have they/you tried any kind of treatments other than just medication for your mood swings and if so, what has been tried?

    I hope you know that the words I send, I send from my heart. I do care. I hope you will continue to try to get better. Yes, trying counts greatly, it makes an impact not only on you but on everyone you speak to and interact with too, to see/hear you pushing through even when everything in you tells you that it's hopeless to do so.... and I know how hard it can be, I have lots of struggles with it too.

    Keep up the good work!
  15. Lorax

    Lorax Well-Known Member

    Got hit with a site blackout for a bit. I'm doing marginally better. My days/ nights were completely reversed, so i'm fixing them. It sucks, i'm still tired all day now.

    Plus, i got a bad cold/ flu thing. I don't even go outside.. Now i'm usually less depressed, yet extremely irritated/ anxious. I keep thinking about how long life is.. How long a day feels.. How tired i am of people. Then i think it would be better if i can get into school. I'm awaiting their choice. I need work too, i get my car & license back soon.

    They just medicate usually. My therapist is of slight help, but i've seen her once in 4 months. I'm considering Lithium. I hear it helps fight suicidal thoughts, but then it has to be constantly monitored or it can get to a toxic level.. And i hate anything long-term. I usually feel better just before i plan to ask about it anyways.
  16. GloryGirl

    GloryGirl Member

    I feel so messed up, like i have wasted my whole life doing nothing but killing myself. I am ready to die now too, but i am reaching out, and talking to people, i think the more tou talk the better. but loneliness is a bastard, it is dark and cold. get yourself to the park and lay under the sun for 10 min tops, we hate to be in pain but we hate to see a future where there may be possibilities, in mine i see none, i hope you see some.
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