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  1. AngelofPainandMisery

    AngelofPainandMisery Fails to communicate effectively

    It's too late now, I can feel everything going back to the way it was, I am more numb all the time than anytime this past month and a half. Every question is answered with "who cares?" and I am already moving on, my apathy personality is gaining more control. The pain is just too much, I feel outside myself, strangely Apathy is pushing for suicide too, because it is a logical decision? I don't know, everything is so messed up and confused. But I want to push out everything that has happened since August. I just want to be rid of it all, delete it from my mind.
    I wish I didn't have these people in my head, I'd like to make my own decisions, but I couldn't function without them. I am powerless, everything they do is automatic and I can't stop it, even if I could, would I really want my other dominate personality in control? This is too weird of stuff anyways.
    We had a day of college prep stuff at school and that is really depressing because I doubt I even can get into a college or do the work required. Nor do I have any idea of what I want to do. I have to live at home for the next 5 years, the college work, choosing a career, I don't know how I am going to do it. And I don't want to do it, it is all going to turn out as a disaster anyways. I want to go to bed tonight and not wake up again. But I know it won't be that easy, nor would I be that lucky. My parents can spend my college fund on my brother.
    It's too late for anything now, everything is broken.
    I want to stay home tomorrow and sleep, see if I could stay asleep permanently, thankfully I am not having nightmares right now. In fact I can't even remember my dreams for the last two months, which is very,very unusual.
     
  2. robroy

    robroy Well-Known Member

    I'm in black hole right now to Astrid, but I'm holding on because I know, somewhere up ahead there is a light that is worth reaching. We are going to be alright Astrid. No matter it dark it seems right now I promise we will be alright and one day look back at this day and say thank god I didn't give up then
     
  3. AngelofPainandMisery

    AngelofPainandMisery Fails to communicate effectively

    I really want to believe that but I doubt it, every change has made my life worse and worse. I really want to hope there is something better, but it's unrealistic to believe in something that is impossible.
     
  4. True-Lee

    True-Lee Well-Known Member

    Astrid, I am sorry that you are feeling so down, I know Apathy well, I am that way when I am not here, Oh before i forget That is skeeta as my Icon, I will write her story soon for you! I had someone stop by today with a cat she wanted me to take, I could not even look at the cat, I am too tempted to take another one, I cannot deal with another loss, so yeah I know where you are, I wonder where I will be but I do not think to long on that subject! I would not be to generous with your college fund to someone else you never know where you will be when that time comes, Are you taking different meds from two months ago so that may be why you don't have or don't remember your dreams? What has happened that you are going in this direction now? What has happened that apathy is taking over has there been more or worse problems? I don't think from talking to you that everything is or has been a disaster, I know that things have not been going the greatest but why now what is going on? Please Hold On Astrid, I know that you can do it,I think I told you before it always seems to be the darkest just before the dawn! when things seem to be at their worst is when good things can happen that pick you up again! Hang in there even though you don't want to. hang in there because you Have to. tomorrow is another day! I have not talked to you lately , you are always busy but you are in my mind Astrid, Please take care of yourself! I am here if you want to talk!
     
  5. AngelofPainandMisery

    AngelofPainandMisery Fails to communicate effectively

    I haven't taken any meds for depression in over a year, the meds I got off of I was addicted to, messed up my body chemistry, and did nothing for my depression (in fact no meds have). Apathy (the personality) takes over as a defense mechanism when I end up in too much pain, and responds by shutting everything down with numbness until things get better, or if my other personality become too traumatized Apathy will respond by completely repressing her. And so the cycle will probably repeat if Apathy takes over completely again, because someway or another my other personality will come back out, be unable to deal with the level of pain, be repressed, etc.
    What is making it worse is everything reminds me of what happened and how helpless and alone I am, and how worthless my life is, how I can't believe in anything anymore; yet another thing that has been taken from me, except I didn't even know I had it which makes it so much worse. Something that I thought could be good happened well actually, I was delusional and stupid enough to believe in something good, so now I pay the price. I need to post what happened on the "My Story" forum but I'm not sure if I can even get through writing it.
    I am still holding on, I am still trying, it's probably stupid but I am still holding on.
    I'm sorry if it seems like I am not paying attention, I just don't know how to start a conversation, so I usually don't say anything cause I always end up looking stupid, but you can message me anytime and I look forward to reading your story of Skeeta Dew :)
    I know that feeling of wanting to take care of an animal but not being able to, I've tried to care for stray or abandoned animals (birds mainly) before and they always end up dying because I can never do enough for them and it is so heartbreaking! :(
     
  6. True-Lee

    True-Lee Well-Known Member

    Astrid, Thank you for answering my question, what I asked about apathy and your meds, the ones you are no longer taking. I need to remind you, You are not alone, we in this Forum are not right there with you be you are not alone, since the day that you registered here you were not by yourslf we are here to support and comfort you to check on you when you down and to help pick you up again, please don't forget we are here for you! I have to remind you that you are not worthless, you are NOT! please you are important to each one of us here, if you were to stop coming in here it would affect the whole room, it would touch people that have never even talked to you, the whole dynamics of this room would be altered, I am serious, I never joke or knowingly mislead you Astrid, not on anything that could or would effect the room! You are important and mean something to this room! I can go on but I talk more then some people can absorb, even myself some time but the last thing I want to say is about you and animals, Astrid yes, you have lost some animals, those that have died from injuries of being sick, I lost Smootsie this year, I spent a lot of money on her but she died anyway, you can not save all the animals by yourself with your limited resources, please do not feel that it is your fault, you tried and did your best I am sure, you should never fear that what you have done was in vain! Some people on here might go out and help another animal when they see it hurting because of you and your example! so do not ever feel that you have let them Down!
    You Astrid are a good loving warm person that has a good heart, you have your own issues and problems but you want to help the small weak and helpless Astrid, I am going to make a contribution to our local animal shelter in Your Name because I want you to know that I feel you deserve a little recognition! Thank You From me for what you do for the animals! I appreciate it!
     
  7. AngelofPainandMisery

    AngelofPainandMisery Fails to communicate effectively


    Thank you so much, thank you, this means so much to me!!! :)
     
  8. True-Lee

    True-Lee Well-Known Member




    Astrid, Thank You, you mean so much to us all and the animals you care for too! Please take care of yourself!(Hugs)
     
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