too late?

Discussion in 'Help Me! I Need to Talk to Someone.' started by jake.x.99, Dec 9, 2015.

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  1. jake.x.99

    jake.x.99 On Leave

    is there even a way to stop yourself once you've committed to this path? i feel like its inevitable now.
     
  2. laf

    laf Member

    Of course there is. :) The paths are only what you make them.
     
  3. jake.x.99

    jake.x.99 On Leave

    thanks for replying. i understand that we all make our own paths, but I've committed to this one . . . i'm set on that path and it feels like it's carved in stone. i know it's the right path for me, but i'm worried for my kids and how it is going to affect them. i need to find a way to lessen that blow to them and make it easier for them moving forward. i don't know how to do that.
     
  4. Beautiful Disaster

    Beautiful Disaster Forum Buddy SF Supporter

    Hi Jake,

    If you feel, or know that you are on the right path, you are doing the right thing. Maybe it will affect your kids, maybe it won't. But you can't protect your kids from everything (I know, I am a parent too). Change is never easy, if it was, everyone would do it.
    Continue in doing what you believe is right, that is the only thing you can do. And the best.
     
  5. jake.x.99

    jake.x.99 On Leave

    thanks so much for your reply, Beautiful Disaster. i do know that this is the right course -- i know it is the best thing for my kids in the long run -- so as you say, i need to do what i think is best and right (even if i wish it weren't what i have to do). and you certainly are right that i cannot know the effect of my decision to end my life on my children. it may not affect them much or at all, but i have confidence in them . . . they are strong and smart and will better off in the end. as you say, i cannot protect them and shield them from everything. i just have to believe that they have the tools to adjust and get along.

    thanks again for your advice. you've been very helpful in easing my fears.
     
  6. Beautiful Disaster

    Beautiful Disaster Forum Buddy SF Supporter

    Oh Jake, I think i misunderstood you a little bit, sorry my bad. If you want to end your life, I can plea against it, but I am pretty sure that won't help. I know how you feel, I am been there (oh such a cliche answer). I am not here to tell you what you can or can not do. This up to you. But I deeply hope that you don't.

    If you believe your kids have the right tools to get by in life, be a proud parent! I hope I can say that about my son one day too. That means you have raised them right. How old are they?

    Now tell me, how does your current situation differ from, let's say, you're ideal situation?
     
  7. Beautiful Disaster

    Beautiful Disaster Forum Buddy SF Supporter

    Also, I signed up here ages ago, in crisis.
    Today, after a failed attempt, I can say I am doing okay (not great, but I have my moments).

    I havent been active here a lot.
    About an hour ago I was just browsing youtube, you know how that is and i stumbled upon this video:



    If you have time to watch it, do. It's about the millisecond. I have had that regretful millisecond, and I could go back.
    I don't want you to have that millisecond, and I sure don't want you to get that instant regret.

    That is why I am on this site again. Cause I don't ever want anyone to go to that millisecond, and regret it.
     
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  8. jake.x.99

    jake.x.99 On Leave

    i'm sorry . . . i may have misunderstood what you were saying. my kids have the right tools in spite of me, not because of me. they didn't get any of those tools from me. they range in age . . . two girls are 25 and 22, and twin boys are 15. but they all have pretty good sense and they're good and smart people, so i have to trust that they will understand as much as they can. my current situation is one where i have broken things beyond repair . . . they will suffer (innocently and unfairly) by my staying, and even if my suicide affects them, the long-term suffering from my being around would be way greater, so it feels like it's an easy decision for me. i wish that it wasn't so clear and simple. selfishly, i want to be around and with them, but that truly would be selfish of me -- i have a responsibility to them to do whatever i can to give them the best opportunity to have happy and successful lives, and this way -- my suicide -- is the only way i can meet that responsibility.
     
  9. Beautiful Disaster

    Beautiful Disaster Forum Buddy SF Supporter

    You have twins? I always find that so cute.

    I don't think it's that selfish to want to stay around your kids. Think that feeling is pretty normal for a parent.
    Does anyone close to you know how are you feeling?
     
  10. jake.x.99

    jake.x.99 On Leave

    it was kind of a shock when they came, but they're really incredible and my life would have been much emptier without them. i agree that, normally, parents want to stay around with their kids; it's only selfish in my case because i know that my staying will cause them suffering and pain. and no, no one knows about this plan yet . . . i had thought that i would tell someone when i do it so that it's not a complete shock, but now that i'm saying that, i don't really know that it matters.
     
  11. Beautiful Disaster

    Beautiful Disaster Forum Buddy SF Supporter

    So in this state you're in, you feel like you are hurting your kids? And you don't want to do that, so suicide is your only option?

    Have you thought/tried other options? Sorry if im asking you things your already told on here before.

    I mean, what if you could go away for a while, work on yourself during that time, could that be an option? Or am I talking crazy here?
     
  12. jake.x.99

    jake.x.99 On Leave

    please don't apologize . . . you're wonderful for trying to help and i sincerely appreciate everything you say. i guess that if you boil it down, how you have characterized it is right: by staying around, i am -- and will be -- hurting my kids. they are innocent of every mistake i have made that got me to this point, and i cannot bear the thought of them suffering because of me and those mistakes. I've thought for a long time about other options, and i know that there are none. my death is the only one. going away, getting out of their lives for some period wouldn't work under these circumstances. i won't be able to support them or provide for them except if i am dead.
     
  13. Nobodydifferent

    Nobodydifferent Well-Known Member

    I have no business replying because I'm fully content with being miserable wanting to die and knowing the rest of my life will basically be me alive but dead inside . My father killed himself . And as soon as I was old enough to understand my only goal was to at 30 like him kill myself . But I ended up having a child .. And couldn't do to my son what he did to me.

    So can you stop your self yes .. Can the feelings change ? No .. At least they haven't for me .. I wish I had a better answer for that !
     
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  14. jake.x.99

    jake.x.99 On Leave

    thank you so much, Nobodydifferent. i really appreciate you sharing your experience, and i am very sorry about your struggle. i know what it is to live while you feel dead inside, but please try to find joy in moments, at least. you obviously love your son a lot, so i hope that you can take some happiness from that relationship -- i hope that he can give you hope and peace just as you give those gifts to him.

    i do worry about whether my suicide will somehow teach my children that this is a reasonable choice when things become difficult or overwhelming. i am doing this only because i know it is the only way that their lives have a chance to be meaningful and less overwhelming. what you described, though, is my greatest fear, so i thank you very much for telling me about your struggles.
     
  15. Nobodydifferent

    Nobodydifferent Well-Known Member

    I don't know how old your children are but I was 6 when my dad killed himself and still 30 yrs later it's a struggle .. I hope that for them maybe you can find a way to hold on ( I say this to you as I'm looking for a acceptable excuse to let go )

    Tattoo down my arm is the first line of my fathers suicie note 'Explanation - I don't have one ' those words have haunted me .. There is no explanation good enough is there. ?
     
  16. jake.x.99

    jake.x.99 On Leave

    please don't look for an excuse to let go, Nobodydifferent. you already know that you can't, and you have the greatest of all reasons to fight on . . . the love of your son. believe me, if there was any other way for me, i would not do this, but my circumstances are unique and because of them, this is the only choice -- it would be selfish of me and harmful to my children if i don't do it. but you are different, Nobodydifferent, and you have every reason to hold on and to find ways to work through all of your pain and your suffering. get whatever help you can and find a way to make each day a little brighter. your son needs you, and he needs to see you happy. please don't every give up, Nobodydifferent.
     
  17. Nobodydifferent

    Nobodydifferent Well-Known Member

    I'm not trying to pry but this has been an emotional year for me surrounding my own fathers suicide .. So coming from a daughter who lost her dad .. Why do you feel you are better off dead to your children ? My father abused my mother .. Kidnapped me was a pimp and drug addict ,, all that aside I would give up everything I have for one hour with him .. Not a perfect version of him .. I wouldn't care if it was him at his worst ...

    I do wonder if I was older if his suicide would effect me differently .. My son , in the next room , to no credit of my own , is amazingly well adjusted .. And half the time I just want to say to him 'can I just die now .. Will you be ok '
     
  18. jake.x.99

    jake.x.99 On Leave

    you can say that the fact that your son is amazingly well-adjusted has nothing to do with you, but that cannot be true and, i suspect, you know deep down inside that you are the primary source of strength to him. you are the reason that he is well-adjusted, and you should be proud of that. it is a particularly great accomplishment, especially considering your own daily struggles. he won't be ok without you, and as dark as it feels sometimes, you are a point of life in his life (and i'll wager many other people's lives, too). please don't even consider for a minute leaving . . . i;m not a big fan of trite expressions like tomorrow will be better, but i do believe that, no matter how bad things feel right now, tomorrow WILL be better, but only if you make it so. you have the power to do that -- you can ask for help and make tomorrow a better day. you owe that to yourself and to your son.

    my situation is not important. i have screwed things up to the point of no recovery -- in those moments when i could (and should) have asked for help, i buried my head and pretended i could fix it on my own because i was too proud or too embarrassed to ask. let my story be a lesson than there is never a good reason not to ask for the help you need. because of my ignorance and selfishness, i created a situation that will cause my children needless suffering . . . unless i do the last thing i can for them.
     
  19. Beautiful Disaster

    Beautiful Disaster Forum Buddy SF Supporter

    Jake, I don't know if full recovery is a option. But I do know you always, always have a choice. And I feel like you owe it to your loved ones, your kids, but mostly to yourself to try and fight. Do it for yourself, cause you are worth fighting for.
     
  20. jake.x.99

    jake.x.99 On Leave

    thanks, but in this case, "recovery" is not an option. there is only one choice left and I owe it to them to follow through on that choice. there may have been a time years ago when fighting was an option, but that time is over and now there is nothing left to do. it is the right thing.
     
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