too little, too late

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Wastingecho, Feb 19, 2010.

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  1. Wastingecho

    Wastingecho Well-Known Member

    sick of the meds that don't work

    sick of the looks

    sick of the pain

    sick of the crying

    "Well I put on quite a show
    Really had 'em going
    But now it's time to go
    Curtain's suddenly closing
    I put on quite a show
    Very entertaining
    But it's over now
    Go on and take a bow"
     
    Last edited by a moderator: Feb 19, 2010
  2. WildCherry

    WildCherry Staff Member ADMIN

    It's not over... :hug: Here if you need anything.
     
  3. Wastingecho

    Wastingecho Well-Known Member

    i can't seem to level this off

    i'm never going to be well

    i've turned into a drain on the company as well as my family - those meds aren't going to work - i'm not suddently going to be able to "focus" next week

    my mind is running in circles again - i just want it to stop moving altogether

    what do i have to look forward to? another teary ride home?

    so messed up it actually hurts to breathe

    counted out my pills - from some of the nursing forums looks like it should actually be enough even without the alcohol
     
    Last edited by a moderator: Feb 19, 2010
  4. jxdama

    jxdama Staff Member Safety & Support

    we are always here for you.
     
  5. Wastingecho

    Wastingecho Well-Known Member

    can't stay here

    looks like i'll be crying on the train again

    bringing my pills home with me this time

    i'm such a damn hypocrite
     
  6. IV2010

    IV2010 Well-Known Member

    I hope you don't hurt yourself...
    I have read your posts on here and you are very good at helping others....can you talk to yourself the way you talk to others in the same situation...showing the same caring and compassion to yourself?
    we understand your pain on here and I hope you'll keep talking to us....
     
  7. Wastingecho

    Wastingecho Well-Known Member

    cried all the way home again

    tried to call someone to talk to but i just couldn't handle it

    stuffed it all back in and went home

    SURPRISE - one of my daughters just left college and came home - doesn't want to go back until the fall

    now i have 3 people here i have to hide this from and i don't know if i can do it

    how do i not end up dead before the weekend is over?

    starting to feel physically ill from the stress on top of it all

    WHY CAN'T I JUST DIE ALREADY!!!
     
  8. WildCherry

    WildCherry Staff Member ADMIN

    At least you tried though. :hug: You're trying, and even if you don't see it, you're taking steps forward.

    You can make it through the weekend. You don't have to do it alone.
     
  9. Wastingecho

    Wastingecho Well-Known Member

    god - we had to go out for dinner because we didn't have enough food in the house for everybody

    my chest actually started to hurt before the food got there

    getting better now - not lucky enough to actually have a heart attack

    that would have solved so many problems

    i just want to curl up into a little ball
     
  10. whytryanymore

    whytryanymore Well-Known Member

    hey i know im being extreemely hypocritical right now, but stick it thru the end is yet to come you havent even began to see the sunshine on the other side of the fence. Its there i know it is even though i myself havent seen it, i know im probably not helping but you have been trying to help me and i do aprecieate that so im trying to help you, not because i feel like i have to but because i want to. Someone like you who continues to try and help someone like me even though i continue to brush it off or ignore it is someone who is worth a great deal to a great many ppl. I offer you my shoulder to cry on if you need it, i know it aint much but its there. You always have us here on the forum. :IrishDoll:
     
  11. WildCherry

    WildCherry Staff Member ADMIN

    :hug: Sounds like you probably had a panic attack. Glad you're okay!!
     
  12. Wastingecho

    Wastingecho Well-Known Member

    2:30 - been up for a half hour

    can't sleep - feel all jangled

    wasn't a panic attack - just finally breaking from the stress

    so tired

    don't know how much longer i can keep a happy-face pasted on

    so quiet

    wish i was in a coma
     
  13. kiwiguy

    kiwiguy Member

    Life is too important to take seriously. You feel like that because you are living in a dream world. Realise that we are all in this together. We will all die one day. Don't let life get you down. You only have one life, don't waste it being sad and down. Move country. This is what i did. I now feel like i did when i was 16 years old. So full of life. New people, new neighborhood. The world is huge. Use this vast place to escape what ever is getting you down by living in a different society. Let that different place take you, and change you. I think you have the answer right there. Im sorry if i come across as direct and in your face but i am just stating a fact right here for you. There is hope, it isnt called hope. Its called common sense. I felt like you before. I KNOW. I know what it feels like to be completely and utterly confused as to what was going to happen next. What was the point. I am scared shitless to come across this feeling again. But for now, i am happy again. It will happen if you do something about it. I hope this helps.
     
  14. Wastingecho

    Wastingecho Well-Known Member

    the really ironic thing is that that was my plan

    sell the house, move somewhere else, start a totally different job

    but that was dependent on timing

    have 2 daughters in their second years at college - i can only afford state schools so i couldn't leave until they graduate

    my son started and had to withdraw from his first semester last fall and wants to try again at a different school this fall

    it's really hard right now watching them struggling to build futures for themselves when i no longer have one

    ................

    i can't find the words

    i want to explain what i'm feeling right this minute and nothing is adequate

    the closest i can come is waves and surges of exhaustion, hopelessness, and self-hatred so strong it's actually making me sick to my stomach - i should have something for breakfast, but i can't

    yesterday i couldn't stop myself from crying

    today i have no choice

    i have to spend 5 hours in a rental truck with my daughter so that we can pack up her furniture and bring it home - i cannot let her see me like this so now i have to try and swallow all of this back down until it burns
     
    Last edited by a moderator: Feb 20, 2010
  15. Wastingecho

    Wastingecho Well-Known Member

    trip up was bearable because the rental truck was a big box that kept getting blown around by the wind so i had to concentrate on keeping it on the road for 3 hours

    then an hour and a half to get her packed up and get back on the road

    that's went it starting going to hell

    i gave her my headphones and waited until she was busy on her gameboy before the crying started - still had to fight to keep it controlled so she wouldn't see and tell her mother

    i'm all in knots, i feel like shit

    i don't want any of my family to even look at me right now

    i don't want anyone looking at me right now

    dammit - i want to send them all out to dinner so i can lay down

    15 pills - that's all it'll take, i checked

    i promised myself once that i wouldn't let them be the first to find my body, but i just don't care anymore - i figure they'll just hate me anyway
     
  16. WildCherry

    WildCherry Staff Member ADMIN

    Please don't take the pills! :hug: I'm so sorry you had a horrible day! Here if you need anything.
     
  17. Wastingecho

    Wastingecho Well-Known Member

    wouldn't let me stay home by myself and all of my daughter's stuff is all over the place because i'm too tired to get it downstairs

    she's got my backpack buried in there somewhere and i can't find it and that's where my damned pills are

    i'm gonna go scream into my pillows until i'm hoarse -i can't hold this is another minute
     
  18. WildCherry

    WildCherry Staff Member ADMIN

    :hug: I know you don't want to hear this, but I'm glad you can't get to your pills.

    Can you get out for a second, go for a walk or a quick drive, that way you have an outlet to release some of the emotions you've had to hold in all day?

    I know this isn't easy...!
     
  19. swimmergirl

    swimmergirl Well-Known Member

    You sound like you are about to explode!

    I wish I could hug you and squeeze all the sadness out of you! (and me too!)

    fuck the happy face, i say scream all you want. Or at least virtually scream on here.

    take care
     
  20. Wastingecho

    Wastingecho Well-Known Member

    god i'm tired

    and now my throat hurts on top of everything

    i just feel drained

    gonna try and go to sleep if these people will just stop asking me to watch the olympics - i really don't give a damn
     
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