Too little, Too much, Never quite enough? (beware of various triggers)

Discussion in 'Rants, Musings and Ideas' started by ThePhantomLady, May 17, 2016.

  1. ThePhantomLady

    ThePhantomLady Safety and Support SF Supporter

    I need to gather all these thoughts and memories that are running through my head... probably caused by being miserable because of bad pain, and my boyfriend going awol for over an hour, which made me worry about all sorts of things (wow, clingy much?)

    This is really long... and mostly me needing to load off... you don't have to read it, sorry.


    I was never quite enough, was I? And yet it seems like sometimes I was too much... I was never really perfect...

    And it goes all the way back... I was convinced I was a bad child, maybe I was too loud, maybe I wasn't doing things right... I tried not cry or be difficult... but no matter how much I tried my mother couldn't love me... in fact I was feeling like she was avoiding me.
    She would come home from work (now I know she was genuinely exhausted from working and having chronic pain similar to mine now)... and she would go straight to bed. If I made any noise or woke her up from the nap I would be punished.

    Any mistake I made was punished, be it accidentally knocking something over, not liking a meal, showing any form of emotion... violence was her first reply, then came the emotional abuse... taking away my things, breaking what I was most attached to, holding me under cold showers, lathering my tongue in hot mustard, locking me in my room... or driving away, leaving me all alone, after telling me she might never return to such a horrible child, or threaten to send me to an orphanage. I think that truly messed me up.

    And it didn't help that I actually thought it was my fault that my 'father' wasn't in our lives... I was just a very little child when I wished I was dead so my mother could be happy, and either get together with my father, or find herself a boyfriend... before my first suicide attempt at 9 I had prayed to the angels for years to take me away.
    I mean... who would date a woman with such an awful child as I clearly was?


    In school I started out being too much... I was too fat, too clever, too weird, too socially awkward... and I was too mentally developed. I honestly didn't care about all the trivial stuff that goes through a normal 10 year old's head... and then there was the bullying about my weight, my clothes... oh the horror, I wore the same shirt twice in a week, despite it being washed!! And I wore clothes from the last decade my mum had inherited from some friend...
    I was mostly trying to be around the grownups... listening to their conversations, finding that way more interesting... as soon as I could read I got too smart for my own good... I read every science book in the school library... I was especially fascinated by ancient mumification techniques, old folk lore and death omens...
    When we learned English, I soon moved on to reading Shakespeare... while my classmates were stuck on half broken school english, not bothering...
    I got perfect scores in Danish spelling, and wrote like mad in creative writing, I quickly learned German (despite having a breakdown with a teacher because I felt I wasn't good enough).
    In the early years I even liked math... before it got complicated... and now I know I have dyscalculia.

    I got bullied for being too smart... at the age of 12 I was already trying to 'dumb down'... at first that was by muttering things like "damn, that was difficult, I bet I did bad" which only made people roll their eyes... my teachers would praise me publicly... and when we started getting grades... well there was no hiding it. So I had to start making mistakes on purpose... hoping to be accepted by my classmates, who all hated and bullied me...

    And as well as doing that, I developed a stammer (not on purpose)... people had started laughing at me in class each time the teacher asked me a question... and suddenly I just couldn't do it anymore... I would shake violently, my teeth would chatter, I'd repeat words and even sentences... which made the other kids laugh even more...

    When I was 14, my physics teacher didn't like me, because I wasn't 'smart enough'... he saw me as lazy and a waste of his time... the most of the class did, other than the popular girls who seemed to try. One day I forgot to make mistakes on a test (I was having a bad day and just wanted to go home)... and it resulted in public shaming, using me.... "Look, if Phantom could do this well, how the hell did no one else? You lazy idiots"...

    to be continued...
     
  2. ThePhantomLady

    ThePhantomLady Safety and Support SF Supporter

    continued:

    Changing school for year 8 this happened again... only... it became a daily thing. The other kids didn't bully me quite as bad at the new school... or well, at least it was easier to hide in my class room, and try to ignore the rumors running around... But I couldn't avoid it in the classes... when our math, phys ed, geography and politics teacher (same guy) decided I was the perfect scapegoat to make the rest of the class fear him so they wouldn't give him trouble... earning us an actual "most behaved class" award. He would make me stand up (a practice that was outdated at that time) in front of the class, especially in maths... wanting me to explain why "X+5=3" made sense... which I couldn't do. Being dyscalculic those things just don't connect in my brain. The only math I know is what I have memorized... He would then tell me, with a very rough scary voice that there was a seat free in kindergarten if I couldn't even understand such simple math...
    In phys ed he would yell mean things to me... I could never run well... and I was a big girl... my back gave me trouble and I had to take breaks to catch my breath... and he continued to call me lazy, stupid etc...

    It got so bad I started skipping school... which was quite a tricky thing... if my mum found out I'd be toast... and when she did a year into it, I did get punished...
    I would turn up two days in a week, and not even full days for a year... I turned up Monday, taking all the homework of the week home, which I'd do at home, taking it with me on Thursday to turn it in, and leaving before PE class... often not even saying I was leaving...
    But in the end I got pretty good grades despite the severe skipping... I got A's on my language exams, A+ on my English even... and by some miracle a C in math. It was an awesome feeling shaking that teachers hand leaving the exam room, knowing I actually made it.

    In (what I guess can be compared to) college stuff suddenly dropped... I had missed a lot through the time I skipped school... one thing is being smart and having a high IQ, but if you've never even heard of things, you are just behind... I had actually trauma related to math, I broke down crying doing my homework the first time I was met with some of the XY stuff... and starting having panic attacks in class, despite having a really nice teacher who was very understanding... I had to leave the room so many times... and in the end I stopped doing my homework and spent my math lessons writing novels... I explained the situation to the teacher, and nearly cried... she understood and in the end allowed me to pass math, despite not handing any assignments in or saying a word in class... she wrote on my report card 'for trying'... ha.

    I was too much woman for my Danish teacher in college... he marked me down considerable, literally telling me "Women can't write and shouldn't waste their's, or other's time with it"... Okay then... that made me stop trying. The minimum requirement for not failing an assignment was half a page... so that's what he got.
    Funnily enough when he retired I went back to getting A's and B's...

    There was only 1 class I was skipping... and that was methodically. PE was too much for me to bear... I still couldn't run, I never understood the basic rules of football even... and I wasn't handling it when other classmates were yelling at me, even if it was to tell me what direction to run in... I had a full-blown public panic attack on the bench... in front of the meanest of our teachers... who kept telling me to suck it up. After that I couldn't even go there... not to mention... getting changed and showering in front of people you don't particularly trust was never my favourite...
    Usually you get up to 3 warnings before they kick you out of school for skipping... I guess because of my record from the previous school they skipped that part... I got called into the principals office just days after the summer holiday had started... and they told me if I couldn't show up with a doctors note within a week to explain why I hadn't attended PE, they would give me the boot. My doctor was on holiday!! I managed to get them to move the deadline a bit, and managed to get a note from my doctor, basically babble about me being emotionally unstable and having dealt with bullying in my past...

    You know... I was never good enough. No matter what I did, or how hard I tried...

    And I always tried to alter myself...

    In the younger grades I thought I was too boyish, so I did what I could to become more girly...

    I always worked too hard to make people like me... I twisted, I turned...

    When I was 16 I made my first 'friends'... people who I was never good enough for... (though I guess I can say now it was the other way around)... I let them walk over me, just as long as they didn't leave me... I did their homework and doing group work I was the only one who worked... and even myself had to sign their names on it, as they were too lazy... and I worried if we got too low grades they would find someone else...
    I was never even invited to their Birthdays or other things, and when hearing about it later I was told it was because they didn't want to upset me in case I couldn't go... yeah right.
    On my 18th Birthday one of them decided to ruin my day... too... saying I was being too emotional and not sensitive enough to the fact that she met her favourite singer for the 100th time... and I was a bit upset no one remembered my Birthday, again. So all I replied was 'cool'... even bringing my missing dad into it all... and yeah. I was shamed for it in school the next days, not really wanting to talk to them... the other class mates made out I was taking thing too hard.

    I was too physically developed too much too soon... that's the only 'excuse' I have to explain all the sexual abuse I've experienced from so many men and boys...

    I even let a man systematically tear me apart and abuse me, and in the end prostitute me, just for his attention... just for 'someone' to see me... and be 'good enough'.

    When I made my actual friends (the nice people I still have in my life) I felt like I wasn't geeky enough... I had not really rad manga, which they were big on... I didn't play Magic Cards... and all of it... I was very quiet when we were together...
    It was only some years back when I got hooked on Doctor Who I found my place in the group...

    Imagine not feeling good enough for the outcasts? (I say that with all the fondness in the world, they are some of the most amazing people I have ever known)... but imagine realizing that when you're a teenager.

    I am 'okay' now socially... if you look away from my anxiety... I got over my stutter thanks to lots of years of drama classes... I always have a fact to share, if someone talks about something...
    I have photographic memory so I have all sorts of weird stuff stored in my brain... and people seem to enjoy hearing anecdotes and learning something new...


    I find myself still trying to twist to be what I think my boyfriend deserves... he keeps telling me I am perfect the way I am... he doesn't control anything I do, unlike the last idiot... but he always tells me "please, you don't need the makeup... you are beautiful as you are"... my eating disorder got worse in the first year of our relationship... I wanted to be skinny and pretty for him... I thought it would be better for him if I was... and sometimes I still do.
    Yet... he's the only one who I actually try to listen to when he says something nice about me... and he's helped my confidence so much...
     
  3. na-taya

    na-taya Well-Known Member

    I read your whole post lady, but didn't have time to reply before I started babysitting.

    You have had so many people in your life who didn't understand you or took advantage of your vanurabilities. I am sorry you have experienced so much horridness in you life. You don't deserve that at all. You are so much stronger than you give yourself credit for.....I know you still struggle but you have made it through so much in your life.

    You need to have people in your life who love and support and encourage you and help you grow.

    I am glad that you found your friends and found you place with them. I am glad you have them.
    I'm also glad you found your man who is willing to support you at help you grow. I know you feel sometimes you need to be better for your boyfriend but he truly does love you for who you are.
    Please take care of yourself you are more important than you realize
     
    ThePhantomLady likes this.
  4. afterlifepig

    afterlifepig Well-Known Member

    your life is such a contrast to mine, you having experienced so much abuse. i have had to deal with some internet bullying pretty much because of my appearance but that's a story for another day. i too had a high iq as a child, in the 95th percentile. but because i was a boy i was popular for being smart. but then puberty gradually turned me into a troll from the pretty little child i had been, with a well proportioned skull. even after puberty took away some of my intelligence and looks (rat-face syndrome) i was still nice to people and good at school so i never had to deal with bullying in person. it wasn't until i got a stalker later that i had to deal with bullying, but i didn't do nothing about it.

    anyway, i would really like to kill myself but i would feel so bad because my parents are so great to me. i have a strong attachment to them and to my cat. so that's why i'm afterlifepig.

    sorry for talking about myself on your thread. you should keep on writing, you have such a crazy background you can draw from. anyway, i'm definitely not going to kill myself and you shouldn't either, it would be a waste of your smarts. my experience of life is mostly people trying to help or befriend me, but i think it's true that God mainly only gives people as much as they can handle, and not more than that.
     
    ThePhantomLady likes this.