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Too Long Lifestory

Discussion in 'Rants, Musings and Ideas' started by nothingmatters, Feb 21, 2008.

  1. I dont know if i should do this or not, but i guess, i need to really get some things out of me.those are the things, which doesnt let me live normally, so i guess im going to start.youre going to read my life story and i hope it vont affect you in a bad way or anything, i dont want that to happen.so i try my best to really write this here, cause its my first time to open up.So here it goes.
    I am 15 years old, a girl from europe. i dont think my life has been so easy, but definately the hardest either.when i was born my father and mother split up, so i grew without my fother.I dont know much about him, i have never seen him.not even from any picture.but when i was 5 years old i talked with him once, for like half a minute.my mother didnt have any money, so she called him, and even let me speak with him. i asked only one question from him, i asked why he left my mother, and he said that my mother didnt need him, that he was useless.i didnt really understand him, back then, but now i kinda know what he maybe felt. i feel useless too, like theres no need of me existing.Only things, what my mother has told me are that, my fother was a terrible drunk, and when my mother gave him money( before splitting up) for buying food for me( i was like 4 months old), then he bought only alcohol for it.I dont know anything else about him, i think.Oh, and my mother one time saw him taking garbage out of the dumpster in the city. so i guess, he is homeless. i dont even know, maybe i have seen him, begging for money, cause i dont know what he looks like.i dont really care about him, i cried because i didnt have a fother, when i was little.not anymore.
    when i got five i had i really hard time in my life, my granfother, grandmother and my 2 cats and a dog all died in the same year...i truly wanted to die instead of them, back then...nobody really cared what i was going trough, my mother didnt do anything, she didnt even talk with me about those losses...at that time i had many really awful dream, (i still have them) and i was moonwalking for a year or two, every time i went sleeping.
    i have never been rich, actually, when i was 6, my mother didnt even have money for food. she had no work, and it was a really stressful time for her.but it wasnt so bad, i have never wanted to be rich, i wasnt even complaining about the fact, that we didnt have anything to eat. cause that was i guess, not her fault.all that time, she was trying to find a job, finnally she found the job, and after that the money problems started to get smaller.
    but what was her fault, and which i will never forgive her, is that, she never talked with me, about the things, which, mothers have to talk with their daughters.she was a total mess, back then( actually she is now too), she had those terrible break-downs, when she usually hit herself and pulled her hair out in front of me( i have some kind-of flashbacks about those things)...so i am not so surprised that, i too hurt myself, when i loose it.Usually i lose my control, while being alone, but sometimes i really cant help it, and i lose it in front of other people.and when it happens, in front of my mother, well she just ignores it, and sais that, im crazy, and she will just go away or something.she doesnt even bother to ask, whats wrong...i dont understand, why she doesnt care about me..i have always been the best child for her.i have always said, that( for example, when we had money problems) we are going to go trough this, and its going to be alright.i have never drank( maybe its because my fother, was a drunk, so im afraid that i could get easily addicted to it, cause its already in my genes) i have never smoked, and i have never done any drugs.i have never been on a date, and i have never had boyfried...actually i dont even have any friends...and well i am doing everything i can, just to make her happy, i really want her to say, that i am a good child at least ( she never says anything good to me, she only complains, if i do anything wrong) and that she loves me (she never has said that either)...but whatever i do, it is still not enough, i am the best student probably in the whole school, but still it is not enough...like i let her control whole my life, she sais, what i can listen to, or what i can whatch from tv. for example, she dont want me to whatch o.c, because, it is a bad example for me...she doesnt want to have any friend for the same reason, i am not even allowed to go to forums( so i am trying to keep it as a secret, that i am here)...like i mean, i let her do it, i have never standed against her and said, that i need to make my own decision. so i guess, i am partially quilty in what is going on..
    its really hard for me to tell about this thing, but i will give my best to write it.
    at the same time i lost all my closest relatives( just not my mother) i was sexually harassed by one of my relatives.it was a he, and well he didnt rape me, but everything else happened. my mother had no clue, and well i dont even think that she would care about it.so i have never told it to anyone, it is i think my biggest secret ever.i dont remember everything about that, i just have those awful flashbacks...and i really ( whatever i do) cant get over it...that is why i think, it is really hard for me to even talk with men..and especially i am afraid, when men touch me. i mean, even when someone, accidentally touches me( for example even in the elevator).i feel myself like a freak, really...i cant live normal life...and i feel so used, and so dirty, when i think about it...its just not possible to explain the feelings.
    but the worst part, i guess in my life, is that, my mother found a boyfriend, or smth. like that.i was 5 or six years old, when i met that guy first time in my life..i thought, that i am going to have a caring step-dad or smth. but it was just the opposite, it was a living hell...and it kinda still is.the thing is that, my so-called stepdad had a really tough childhood himself( his fother was really strict with him) and now, he is trying to take it all out on me...and he has really succeeded in that. he has made my mother to say that she loves him more than me( and stuff like that, so he feels that he is more important, than i am).he never let my mother buy me new clothes, or even new shoes( thats why, i had to go to school with very old and ugly clothes. and if i wanted to buy something ihad to keep in in secret from him)...i never could eat anything else than home-made food ( and i always had to eat, as much as he wanted me to, or how he wanted me to)...if i wanted to eat cookies, i had to hide them in my drawer...and you may think, that my mother did anything, but no...she cared about him too much...though they always have terrible quarrels....sometimes because of me( if i didnt do as he wanted me to do) and sometimes just because of nothing. one time he even hit my mother( with a leg to the stomach) and i still remember it really good, thats why im partially afraid of him...but i mean, it was really bad for me, he always said how i should walk( he didnt like how i was walking, so when i forgot to walk like he wanted me to, there was a fight again), or how i should sleep.like he never has allowed me to sleep more than 9 hours...and well i have had to do a lot of work in the country..usually i worked as much as my mother and he both worked together..( for example i carried rocks to make a fence out of them.and it is quite hard to carry rock, which are really heavy, when you are only 6 years old)...like i have been living under a lot of terror because of him.. it got a little better, when my mother got a child him, now he doesnt pick on me anymore so much...but i mean, it still hurts really much, cause my mother loves my sister so much more, than she loves me...and i dont understand why...
    i have never had real friends.yes. noone. i dont know, im just really unsecured, while talking with people. maybe because of the abuse, maybe because of my stepdad, maybe because my mother was like that with me.but it is not so bad, i am really used to it, that i get really nervous, when talking to other people...i havent had really much of experience...i actually had one friend, but she faking to be my friend. she just played my friend, so i told her some secrets about my problems at home( about that i had lots of fights there and that my stepdad is a drug addict, didnt i write it before? oh but yes, he is a drug addict, oh and one thing which i also forgot to say, is that he was in jail for almost killing one man.)but i mean those secrets were really important, but she told them all to my classmates...so i had a really hard time because of that in the school.like i mean, i trusted her, i cared about her more than about myself. but she betrayed me like that. it still kinda hurts.
    i havent had easy time in school, i was always the one, with who, everybody did what they wanted. i was beaten in the school all the time...one time they beated me so much, that my nasal bone broke...but i really dont care so much about the beating, but about the things, what everybody have said to me....thats why, i kinda have a low self-esteem..i mean it doesnt really exist..i mean i have really bad scars in my soul, because what has happened in the school...it is still going on, but not so bad, they dont beat me anymore so much, because i fight back.. i know it kinda feels crazy, that how can boys beat girls...but, i think, it kinda started, when there was one really fat boy, who everybody teased, and i ┬┤defended him from those people.and then, my class girls just decided, that their boyfriends should beat me or smth...or not always the boys beated, sometimes, they just hold me in one place, so some girls could spit on me or hit me...but now its a little bit easier...like i said, they dont beat me so much( i think they have kinda grown up a little bit).but they still say really awful things to me. thats because i usually, dont let people near me and i dont really trust people. im just really afraid to get hurt again...
    ok i dont know, if i told about everything, but its 2. 35 in the night, and i am going to try to sleep...i will see...if i can really do it...and sorry about my english, it is kinda bad... and i dont really think that you read it all (it is too long)...but ok thanks...i really needed to write this, and i hope you understood anything...i really need to stop now, its too long...GOODBYE!!
  2. A_Loser

    A_Loser Well-Known Member

    Sounds like you have been through alot. Maybe try and stand up to your mother about those "little" things - like watching tv and going to forums? Start small and then make bigger and bigger changes?

    I suck at giving advices, sry for that :)

    But what i wanted to say is, if you feel like you need someone to talk to .. you can always PM me.
    I hope you stay strong.