Too much Crap.. Just tired of it..

Discussion in 'Help Me! I Need to Talk to Someone.' started by Kiba, Jan 7, 2011.

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  1. Kiba

    Kiba Well-Known Member

    So.. U kno.. I feel like I should post this.. Duno whats gona happen so.. yea.. here goes..

    So basically Ive been dealing with shit my entire life.. just different shit each time.. And yea.. ugh.. basic history:

    At about age 6 I started becoming numb to emotion.. due to the fact I had a handicapped brother.. was neglected and took care of my other 2 bros.. and the next door neighbors were to the school bullies and I was beaten often. This let to intense internal fears etc.. and I ended up mentally beating myself up for showing ANY emotion and blaming myself for things.

    In 2005 my handicapped brother died.. And I couldn't simply hold in all the emotions inside me. I tried to retreat to internet and video games.. But eventually I couldn't avoid myself anymore.. I became suicidal and attempted suicide many times.. after a few though.. and going through some intensive treatment my parents gave me to the state.. were I was then put into foster care and dealt with all the foster care crap... multiple homes, etc.

    Now I got out of foster care in July of 2010 and am currently living in my own apartment. I have no friends.. my parents are pretty much out of the picture.. dealing with PTSD.. Ive pretty much beat a lot of the depression, but yea..

    Now my current situation is, I was threatened by 2 street kids who live on the streets around were I live. And I'm paranoid about even going outside.. I feel like I'm going to be jumped and they gona kill me. I'm trying to figure out what I can do to get out of here but I live on disability income (ssi) and food stamps.. So.. I don't have a lot to work with. No job. No school. Yea..

    So.. besides the threat.. I'm only sleeping about 4hrs every morning because my PTSD is causing nightmares.. I'm having re-occurring Headaches that are killing me.. and I've been having stomach aches and itching spells from food allergies.

    Im just not sure how much more I can take.. and like.. Im sorry to say but If I suddenly leave SF either:

    1. I moved and I dont have internet
    2. Im Dead
    3. I'm in the hospital

    So yea.. ugh.. I've just got myself into some crap somehow.. duno what will happen.. yep... :(
  2. flowers

    flowers Senior Member

    Swift, what a horrible story you have lived. I am so very sorry to read how difficult it has been. Really sorry. do you have a way to be in therapy? Because you surely deserve that. I hope with all my heart that you can get some support irl in therapy. You must be a very strong person to still be here. *hugs for you* if thats okay
    Last edited by a moderator: Jan 7, 2011
  3. Kiba

    Kiba Well-Known Member

    eh.. Im in therapy.. been in therapy.. Thanks for the reply tho.. sigh..
  4. lurktheshadows

    lurktheshadows Well-Known Member

    have you tried EMDR? Perhaps you should try a different therapist <3
    I know it's awful but if there's a choice between you dead, and you in the hospital, always go to the fucking hospital, even if it's frightening, even if it's extremely difficult

    <3 I miss talking to you in chat, you are an amazing person. I really hope you find peace. Do everything you can to stay stable.
    message me ANY time
  5. Kiba

    Kiba Well-Known Member

    Its more not me killing myself.. least I dont think.. more I'm scared the street kids gona come after me and kill me, jump me... whatever..
  6. flowers

    flowers Senior Member

    Swift can you call the police? Or can you call your therapist and as her what she recommends you do to stay safe? Just some thoughts. I assume you have thought of all options. Still, I wanted to offer the suggestions. I am really sorry this is happening.
  7. dazzle11215

    dazzle11215 Staff Alumni

    i have ptsd, too. i take propranolol for the nightmares. it has really helped. please ask your doctor about it. it starts working almost immediately. it's not that you stop dreaming, it just dulls the intensity of the nightmares. you don't feel as emotionally exhausted from them. please look into it. a good night's sleep makes a huge difference.
  8. Kiba

    Kiba Well-Known Member

    Thanks for the suggestions.. I'm hoping Monday I can talk to my therapist or even see if there is someone I can talk to today about moving.. Or maybe being in a hotel at least temporarily.. ugh.. I did go outside today tho for an hour and was nice I guess.. I'm really sick of being inside paranoid all day. Anyway, thanks for all the support guys!
  9. takencontrol

    takencontrol Well-Known Member

    hi, i done emdr a couple of years ago to deal with a rape and it was fantastic, a bit weird but i would definitely recommend it
  10. Kiba

    Kiba Well-Known Member

    well.. um.. I'm more concerned with the threat.. and well.. Apparently I cant just leave my apartment. X_X Just spoke to someone who works with my therapist and stuff.. yea.. I'm on a Leese and I don't feel safe in my neighborhood.. Maybe I'm just paranoid, but they basically cant do anything about it. So I'm stuck here :/
  11. flowers

    flowers Senior Member

    Swift, leases can be broken if its a matter of safety. Can you ask your therapist about who could be called to begin a process of documenting it legally? Maybe legal aid? I dont know, but I do know that if you are unsafe, then I cannot see how a lease would be binding. Especially if you have dx of ptsd and you are being threatened ( neither of which is your fault) :hug:
  12. Kiba

    Kiba Well-Known Member

    eh.. they feel I'm just paranoid.. bleh.. whatever.. just gota live with it.
  13. flowers

    flowers Senior Member

    Swift, would it be worth your while to ask your therapist if she can think of a way that the lease can be broken? Perhaps a letter from her saying that because of your emotional situation you need a safe place to live. And being under threat from neighbors does not feel safe enough for you??? Do you think it would be worth talking about with your T? I am so sorry this is happening........ also please remember that your emotional situation is not your fault. You were very unjured in your past. For a long time. This is not not not your fault !!!!
  14. Kiba

    Kiba Well-Known Member

    I talked to them flowers.. they told me "Get out this weekend and do something, don't let them get to you!" So.. yea.. X_X
  15. sunshinesblack

    sunshinesblack Well-Known Member

    hey sorry u r going thro this, hopefully u will overcome it
    Cant u go to the local library or something like that, less threatening maybe start learning something, or find a easy to do class, make use of ur skills.
    While they where cold to ignore your problem they may have had reasons, thing is even if u move u will probably move on the same level of neighborhood so chances r u will have same type of people around, and moving every month does not sound like a solution.
  16. Dave_N

    Dave_N Banned Member

    How are things going today Swift? :hug:
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