Too much for me to handel

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by deadeyes, Nov 20, 2009.

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  1. deadeyes

    deadeyes New Member

    Long story short, Girl i loved my entire life gets a boyfriend and erases me for a couple months. I never told her i loved her. Couple months later she comes back out of no where acting like nothing happened acting like she didn't vanish off the planet for almost a year. She tells me i seem depressed (which i am). I replied with "i have no idea what your talking about." She says she knows me and she knows something is wrong. Since i still had strong feelings for her i opened up and told told her i was thinking about offing myself. She told me not to do it because there are people who cared for me. Knowing that my family doesn't really give a shit about me i asked her who cares about me? She replied "i do" ........awww how sweet. Knowing this was complete and utter bullshit this sent me way down. Not being able to handle the stress and emotion. I called one of my friends and told them some crack head needed some heroine if he could sell some to me for cheap to sell to the addict for alot higher. He gave me 5 vials for free. Ive known this guy since grade school. We are like brothers. This wasn't for any crack head tho. Never doing this before i was sure it would numb the pain. This was one of the scariest moments of life. Feeling too depressed and lonely i didnt give a fuck. I stole one of my dads empty needels from his pack that he uses for morphine. I went on the internet and found a site that showed me exactly what to do. This was night one. The feeling was so amazing i felt like all my problems just flew away.......untill i came down. I grabbed my phone and called her. It was late about 11 i crossed my fingers she would answer. She picked up......the rest of it seems like a blur. I remember crying and telling her i wanted to die. The thing i remember most is what she said next. She said "(*my name*) i did love you, i dont want you to do anything bad to yourself. "i did love you?" This phrase rung in my head over and over. Being in a fucked up mood i did what my body was screaming for. More heroine. She was still on the phone with me when i took the shot. She thought i was cutting myself....dumbass.

    This is becoming longer than i thought so im going to wrap things up. She talked to me for a couple days untill i was off the drugs.......this is so fucked. She used my feeling for her to get me off drugs. A day later when i tell her i feel like im getting back to normal she disappears again.... Its been 3 days since contact and to be honest im done. Ive lost my will to go on. i have 3 vials and a loaded hand gun. Im ready to get fucked and blast my fucking face off. Its 12 am here. I wanna see what people have to say about this before i do my deed. i plan on going down by 1am.

    Most will probably think this is stupid. Keep in mind this is like the only girl ive ever loved in my ENTIRE life. But what ever it wont matter soon anyways....
  2. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    You say you love her then why would you put this kind of guilt trip on her. You killing yourself will only cause her pain and make her feel like it was her fault. If you truly loved her you would get you self together get help for you and show her you care enough about her to stay well. Maybe seeing someone strong and
    independent will help her see more highly of you. Killing yourself will cause the one you love endless torment and pain. The chance will be no more maybe she is suffering too that is why she runs have you thought maybe she needs help Stay strong call crisis if need be but get yourself help so yu can stick around to see what is up with her.
  3. deadeyes

    deadeyes New Member

    I never indicated in anyway shape or form that she was my cause for feeling like this.I always told her i just felt this way. Shes probably doing alright. I made sure that she wouldnt feel directly responsible for this. After im gone i give it about a week before everything gets back to normal. Thanks for the input im glade people are listening.


    I lied to her and told her the heroine thing was going on for a while so it doesnt seem like it started when she started talking to me again.
  4. Tobes

    Tobes Well-Known Member

    I went through something similar, but I didn't turn to drugs, I just sat and thought it through. Just because she left you for her boyfriend doesn't mean she doesn't care about you. Girls jsut do that sometimes, their priorites get out of whack and they can forget about people. Especially if they're young. I'll tell you right now, suicide is the wrong thing to do, no matter how bad you feel. You owe it to yourself, your parents and this girl to fight through it, and come out stronger on the other side. I'm glad you aren't going through this alone, and you came here to get some help, at least I hope you did. You may think your mind is made up, but the fact that you came here shows you still want to live. Don't give up. I am not giving you a standard response or clich'e, I am telling you directly.

  5. deadeyes

    deadeyes New Member

    i could really use someone to talk to right about now. Copy and paste the link. If you have never heard of it its just a free chat site that allows you to make private rooms.
  6. bremer1990

    bremer1990 Member

    i can honestly say that drugs arent worth it. please dont do them anymore, its a slippery slope, i promise you. they feel good now, i know, but in the end they are definitely not worth it.
  7. deadeyes

    deadeyes New Member

    well im sorry everyone it seems like now is my time. Kinda makes me happy to see that some people cared. I just want you all to know that what your doing for people is amazing.It brings me to tears to see you all online this late just to help people. Dont think you failed me. You didnt. I failed my self. Sorry.

    I will forever rest in the land where the sun doesn't shine and the cold wind blows
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