Too much for me :'(

Discussion in 'Help Me! I Need to Talk to Someone.' started by TakeThisLife, Jan 1, 2011.

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  1. TakeThisLife

    TakeThisLife Active Member

    Hi,
    This is my 2nd day on this website and now you are going to see how low i actually get.
    Im very suicidal, have made 10 previous attempts and can't see any point of me being here anymore. I cannot cope and think it would be better for me not to be here. I cannot see a future for me :sigh:
    I have been talking to samaritans to see if they can help me but they can't.. I have been trying not to get this low again but it just doesn't work. This is what bullying has done to me :'( They don't realise what they can cause people to do!
    x x x x
     
  2. ~Young-Violet~

    ~Young-Violet~ Banned Member

    Hey TakeThisLife,

    Bullying can be a very daunting thing, try keep your mind of it. Have you tried CyberMentors, they are a an anti bullying website aimed to help young children in the UK, http://cybermentors.org.uk/ They may be able to help you more. Try keeping your mind bust so you are not thinking about suicide so much. Do you enjoy anything? Like drawing sports and all? They may be able to keep your mind at ease. Here I found a article on bullying for you that may be able to help you more.
    http://www.thesite.org/healthandwellbeing/wellbeing/lookingafteryourself/beatbullying
    Have you contacted ChildLine about your suicidal thoughts? They have a internet service that you may be interested in http://www.childline.org.uk/Pages/Home.aspx You can speak to a counseller Via internet. :)
    Here is another article on feeling suicidal and low, I hope it helps :)
    Have the replies from Samaritans been helpful?
    You could also try and contact GetConnected http://www.getconnected.org.uk/ There close at 10 but tend to open at 4 :)
    Take care and look after yourself :)
     
  3. CatherineC

    CatherineC Staff Alumni

    Hi Beth and welcome to SF, it's good to have you here.
    Can you tell us more about what has brought you here? You mention bullying so I know that's an issue for you. You also talk about previous attempts so its clear that you have a history of mental health problems.
    Now I need to know what diagnosis you've had and whether you're receiving treatment (either meds or therapy or both)
    Once we've got a clearer picture of where you are in life, we can offer support, share coping strategies and listen when you need to rant. There's a lot we can do to help you so I don't want you to give up yet. You are important to us and we want to keep you.
    I'm happy to talk to you either within this thread or by pm. You can pm me anytime at all so don't hesitate to do so if you need support.
    Sending lots of hugs xxxx
     
  4. TakeThisLife

    TakeThisLife Active Member

    Thankyou :hug:
    The things that have brought me here are self harm, suicide, mainly my mental health, i used to be able to cope alone but my thoughts keep getting stronger and now i just need help to cope with them, because they scare me.
    I have major depression and anxiety. I have a therapist who i cannot talk to about anything because i don't trust her, she isn't confidential, if she thinks i am in danger she has to pass it on, so i just don't tell her anything, and she is also horrible.
    Thanks for your support :hugtackles:
    x x x x
     
  5. CatherineC

    CatherineC Staff Alumni

    Okay, then the first thing you need to do is change your therapist. All of them have a duty of care however and if they think that you're in danger, then they will act on it. They have to by law but if you think about it then you'll realise that you can't expect anything else of them.
    Can you imagine being a therapist? It's a huge responsibility and no one would last long in the profession without having rules and guidelines. If they allow a patient to harm themselves without acting on it then they'd suffer tremendous guilt for the rest of their lives. You wouldn't want another person to go through that would you?
    How long have you been depressed? It sounds like you've never had the proper help. You need to learn coping strategies and you might need to learn more about your own condition. The more you know about your own condition, the better prepared you'll be for the depressive dips.
    Are you on any meds? What's your GP (doctor) like? What is your support network? (Family, friends etc)
     
  6. TakeThisLife

    TakeThisLife Active Member

    I don't want to talk to a therapist anymore, they can't help me, i already know what i want and thats to not be here, and they can't help me with that unless they can end things for me.. I know thats what they have to do but i just wish it wasn't like that, it would be so easier for me to talk to them if they would keep things confidential.
    I have been depressed for over a year now, but i have been bullied for more than 5 years, so its just developed over time. No im not on any meds, my parents won't allow me to go on them, and my therapist doesn't want me to go on them either. My doctor was the first person i went to, and he referred me to a therapist, but he wouldn't give me medication.
    I have problems at home so i don't talk to any of my family about anything, and my friends.. well.. they don't treat me like a friend so i don't talk to them about any of my problems. I just talk to samaritans, who are worried about me, and they don't actually help me anyway :(
    :hug:
    x x x x
     
  7. CatherineC

    CatherineC Staff Alumni

    It looks like your therapist and doctor think that you have reactive depression and they're hoping that you'll come around without meds. I'm not sure that you will if this is how you feel but I'm not a doctor or a therapist and I don't know the individual circumstances of your situation so you should listen to them before you listen to me.
    I don't think that your parents are being very helpful. Have they any experience or understanding of mental health problems? Has anyone else in your family suffered from mental health problems? Is it something that's 'hidden away' as though it's a 'dirty secret'. I never cease to be amazed that there are people who still think like that in this day and age. Might not be what's happening to you though.
    The bullying over a five year period is going to have left you with very little self respect or self esteem. That's what bullying does.
    So your first priority is to start building up that self respect and self esteem. One tiny step at a time, you've got a lot of bad stuff to undo.
    What's the situation at home that you can't talk to your family? Also, who did the bullying? Are they still in your life?
     
  8. TakeThisLife

    TakeThisLife Active Member

    I know myself that i wont get better without meds, i don't even know if i will get better with meds, i don't think i can get better, the only option left for me is to not be here anymore! :(
    My Mum did training as a counsellor so she must of learnt about mental health? She never actually became a counsellor though.. but i thought she would understand some bits of how im feeling from the counsellor training. I don't think anyone in my family has had mental health problems.. never been told if anyone has.
    Everything in our family is hidden away really because of the way my Dad was brought up, if my Dad has an argument with me he will stop talking to me for a few days, same with other family members.. and also he shouts most of the time, and sometimes im scared of him, so i tend not to talk to him. And for my Mum.. she is always working, and her work causes her a lot of stress so when she comes home she just wants to relax really, she doesn't need me telling her how low i am.
    Some of the people that did the bullying have gone to college, but some i see a lot, nearly everyday so it still happens x
     
  9. CatherineC

    CatherineC Staff Alumni

    In what way was your Dad brought up that everything has to be hidden?
    You've got a lot going on at the moment Beth and we need to separate out the issues. One thing is certain, you definitely have more than one option and the option that you're thinking of isn't an option at all.
    The bullying is clearly a major issue for you particularly if it hasn't stopped and it's happening on an almost daily basis. Is it taking place at school? I'm not sure how old you are so I don't know if you're still in school or at college.
    My experience of bullying in schools is that the schools are useless at dealing with it. They usually have some sort of fancy anti bullying policy and think the fact that they've written one is enough. Its been a long time since either I or my children were in school though so perhaps that's changed?
    The truth is that bullies don't go away until you confront them. Once you confront them, they run so fast you can't see them for dust. Unfortunately confronting them is really difficult to do and if you're in a depressive dip it might be impossible for you. Alternately, you may just get to the stage where you can't stand it another moment and you snap right back at them. That's the moment when they tend to run.
    The other thing about bullying is that it does end. It might not seem like it but eventually everyone moves on and it all sorts itself out. You go to work, go to Uni or whatever but you get away from them.
    The other issue that you've got is that your family life doesn't appear to be very supportive. You don't seem to be able to talk to your Dad at all and you don't want to bother your mother because she's so stressed out anyway.
    If you were to go with the option that you're thinking of, what do you think will happen to your mother? Do you think that she might prefer you to speak openly to her instead?
    Have you ever been able to speak openly to her? The fact that she did a counselling course doesn't really mean much sadly. She could be the worlds greatest counseller for other people and totally unable to deal with what's going on in her own family. My mother was like that and I worry that I can be a bit like that too. It can be very upsetting to deal with problems with your children particularly emotional and mental problems. Much easier to deal with strangers and friends.
    Do you have anyone else you can talk to? A teacher, or an aunt or a cousin or a brother/sister?
    Also have you noticed whether the bullies pick on anyone else apart from you?
     
  10. TakeThisLife

    TakeThisLife Active Member

    My Dad was brought up to not talk about things, and if someone did something wrong he would just stop talking to them instead of talk through things with them. So when he found out i had been trying to kill myself he stopped talking to me for a little while.
    The option i am thinking about is an option, and the only one i can think of :i'm sorry:
    Yes the bullying happens at school, i am 16. Yes my school is the same, bad at dealing with bullying. They do have an anti bullying but don't stick to it at all so ye its pretty much the same.
    I know it will end but i just can't wait for it to end.. i've been waiting too long for things to change, if its been happened for 5 years and still happening now i can't see a future without it.
    I know she would rather me talk to her instead of doing what i want to do but i just can't talk to her because she needs time to relax when she is at home, and she has problems with my Dad anyway :blink:
    I've never really been able to talk to her no, the only time we talk is if she catches me crying, which doesn't happen much because im always alone and she is always at work. But even then i tend to push her away.
    No there is no one else i can talk to, and no they only do it to me x
     
  11. CatherineC

    CatherineC Staff Alumni

    Your Dad seriously isn't helping with that attitude. It sounds like he can't face up to reality so runs away but I don't know him so I might be being unfair
    Are your parents not getting on? That could be causing an atmosphere in the house which won't help you to get well. It might also be the real cause of your mothers stress.
    Have you thought about talking to your mother about her problems and not yours? She might need someone to talk to. My daughters are fantastic with me when I'm stressed and ill but they've been brought up with an understanding of mental illness and it has always been an open topic in our home. My family put up with enough from me and none of us would have survived if we hadn't been able to talk about it openly and honestly.
    I know that the 'option' is the only one you can think of but it's honestly not the only option there. By the time I was your age I'd made 3 attempts because of school. I thought it was the only option too. Then I left school and discovered that there was a lot more to life. My problems didn't end because I had a mental health condition but life was a lot easier once I didn't have to go to school anymore. I hated the place and I still get a sense of relief 30 years later that I don't have to attend one anymore.
    One day you won't have to attend one either and it's well worth waiting for that day.
    What are your plans after school? Do you want to go to Uni or get a job? What sort of job would you like?
    At the moment, all you can see is what's around you and you think it will never change. That's because you're in a depression and the illness is making you see things in this way. You need more support than you're getting right now and it is a real shame that you can't confide in anyone, especially your mother.
    I'm sure that you're not the only person being bullied in schoool, you probably haven't noticed it happening to anyone else because you're so ill. There's bound to be someone else though because bullies never just have one victim. When there are no victims left, they turn on each other.
    You can get through this, you just have to do it one day at a time. You have to learn some coping strategies but we can work on those. Life will change and it will get better. You just have to try and take some control back, one tiny step at a time.
     
  12. TakeThisLife

    TakeThisLife Active Member

    I agree with you, he should talk about things instead of just leaving them to get better themselves because sometimes they wont.
    No my Mum and Dad arn't talking to each other, which yes is a cause of Mum's stress, i do tell her that she can talk to me but she never does, maybe she thinks its supposed to be the other way around, but that doesn't happen either, i don't talk to her about my problems anyway, she thinks i am okay now.
    I have made 10 attempts :( One because of my ex boyfriend cheating on me and the others due to bullying and school.
    Things wont get better for me when i leave school, because i will still have mental health problems, which at the moment are the main causes of why i feel like this.
    I don't see a future for me.. so neither uni or work.
    I am actually telling the truth.. i am the only person being bullied by these people, even other people have noticed this, there are other bullies though in the years below me, who don't bully me because im older than them, and they bully other people if thats what you mean, but with the people that bully me i am the only person.
    I really cannot get through this.. :(
    x x x x
     
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