Too much pain in the last two months

I feel like I should know off the bat what to say...as I sit here looking at the screen my life flashes back and forth in the last two months. So many low moments that I knew I could have taken my life easily then. But had someone there, always making me smile and feeling happy. Something to live for. Now, she's gone and I lost my reasons to smile.

First, there are somes things you should know about me. I grew up on a reservation, boarding on the poor side. I am related 94% of the population. Slice that in half you got your drunks, drug dealers and pricks who like to hit things that were breathing. Pretty site to live around isn't it? My father was a class a drunk, it was worse in my childhood, and my mother verbally abuse anyone who got her angry, mostly me figures. In my first years, I live back and forth between at their parents house (I was one of many child born to young mothers at the time), then a rat infested trailer and finally a big house. It was at this big house where I woke up one morning feeling...empty. Like something clawed out my insides and poured a jug of acid down my throat. I was ten and I knew it was not the stomach flu. Something was wrong with me. It would be four years later I discovered I had clinical depression with a touch of extreme anexity attacks. So extreme I once passed out and got taken to the hospital because my breathing had stopped. I could blamed this all on my parents who set a six year old to take responsibilites meant for adults. But from what the therapist told me, they were just triggers. I was just born chemical unbalanced.

I hate those words. It just reminds how set apart I am from everyone. Sure some of my family members have their own mental health problems. But no one speaks about it. The idea of being sick like that is a such a taboo no one ever acknowledges it even in whispers.

Not one word is making lick of sense, isn't it?

To be fair, I did almost kill myself last night. There was this deserted highway I walked to where only red headlamps lit the way and behind the lights was the great dark expanse of the woods and snow. I had a <mod edit - methods> pills and water. I thought, wouldn't it be nice to fall asleep forever under a starry sky? But I stood there for five minutes just thinking of what happened yesterday.

I don't know if you're pet owners. But for those of you who know that some pets feel like your children. I felt like that with Sonny, my baby. I lost her yesterday for my stupidity. It kills me she's gone because she was the only one in my life that made me happy and sane. She made my life easier. I didn't have a job and my school courses have never started. I was alone in a house to clean, cook and watch for my family as their lives went on, but Sonny was there beside me. When I think about her not being there, it hurts so bad I'll be stuck alone in this house listening to my parents put me down and verbally abuse me. I thought the only way was to just kill myself.

But it didn't happen, someone found me on the highway and brought me home.

As I sit here, I could still smell sonny on my bed and it eats me up. In such a long time I started cutting <mod edit methods> to numb the pain. But it's not working. I see now on my dresser. I feel like it is saying to me, 'get it over with, nobody wants you. There's nothing to look forward to.'

I know for sure I will kill myself soon. I don't want to be alone in this to clean, cook and watch.

Fuck this life, I hate it with a passion.

 

I am sorry for your loss of your pet and understand the pain that brings I hope in time you can find a new pet to bring you some joy and peace Please keep talking to us ok as we do understand and i do think the stress you were under as a child caused the chemical unbalance in your brain as stress can do that There are many who suffer this way and in time with right care therapy and meds i hope you can heal some hugs to you

 

How wonderful that you can love so much Teily. How wonderful! It does not sound like that quality came to you through your immediate environment. That is yours alone. It is a gift and it came to you strongly enough that you know it even through all the gruff noise that surrounds you. How marvelous for you!

I hope that you will again find someone, like Sonny, who is worthy of your love and capable of repaying it. I have deeply loved pets and known that they deeply love me as well. I know too that they would want me to grow, prosper and live life heartily and full--such was their joy toward me.

Merry Christmas

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