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too much pressure?

Discussion in 'I Need Some Practical Advice' started by AubPlaza, Feb 27, 2018.

  1. AubPlaza

    AubPlaza Member

    Is it bad that I think the girl I like is one of the reasons I am still alive, why I haven't committed suicide?

    The girl I like, we spoke and saw each other on most days back in june and july, but she is on a year abroad as part of her university degree, and I haven't seen her since july. We talk every few days though, but its not always easy to keep the conversation going. I know that when she's back, I'll ask her out and we'll have an amazing time on a date. I asked her out before she left, but she said she didn't want to do long distance, which I fully understand - long distance shouldn't be at the start of a relationship. So I don't know if Im expecting her to say yes or not, but I do know that if we do go out we'll have a great time, we get along so well and make each other laugh and feel really comfortable with each other.

    She's almost like an antidepressant, bc as I am depressed, I have a sort of life hating attitude, whereas she has a life loving attitude, and I do love life when I am with her. Am I putting too much pressure on whether she goes out with me, or whether we have a good relationship? She knows that I have depression, but doesn't really know what she should say or she shouldn't say, she's just a positive light rather than help. I doubt she knows how important she is to me
  2. Alwayswrong

    Alwayswrong Well-Known Member

    Hi! I'm quoting here what @Sunday16 posted in one of the threads, that I believe can help us both: "when we're depressed it's hard to treat ourselves with respect. It can turn into a vicious cycle: I'm depressed, I don't like myself, others don't like me, this makes me more sad, people pull further away from me, I sink deeper into my depression, and so on."
    From my point of view: yes, you're putting too much pressure in this relationship. Let her be a light for you... and be a light for her as well. Because YOU HAVE A LOT TO OFFER HER, TOO, JUST BEING YOURSELF. ENJOY EACH OTHER. If you tell her she's the reason for you to be alive, she'll fear saying something wrong or not saying what's needed, or she'll feel like a nurse. Just keep this feeling to yourself; that way, both of you can be naturally the way you are, and the relationship will FLOW. You're not a "walking depression"; you're a person with lots of good things to share and who is suffering from depression. Look, I might be wrong. That's what I think. Just be YOU; let her enjoy YOU.
    Winter Blues likes this.
  3. Winter Blues

    Winter Blues SF Supporter

    Hi, I agree with @Alwayswrong but just wanted to add that you sound an incredibly thoughtful, caring and kind person. You sound special. Ask her out confidently knowing that you DO have a lot to offer her. I hope all goes well but keep talking here. Hugs xx
    Alwayswrong likes this.
  4. JmpMster

    JmpMster Have a question? Message Me Staff Member Forum Owner ADMIN

    It is good to have people in our life that make us feel better simply by being part of it. When there is no romantic connection (which until have begun dating and it has gone beyond platonic to romantic things, whether gifts, statements of adoration or love, physical contact, etc) this is called friendship. It does not matter if one or the other or both have other feelings- - until it is more - it is friendship and friends are rare enough and valuable enough that should never be downplayed. If it never turns into anything more you have a great thing- and holding hopes or putting pressure on it becoming more makes it harder to maintain the friendship - and if it does not become more after holding that hope for months and months and months then you typically lose that friendship as well.

    Practical advice- treat it as it is- a valuable friendship. Do not hold expectations and dreams of it becoming more- why is friendship not good enough? By holding out and putting all on hold for a year and half it is totally dismissing the issue with long distance relationships. As it is, one of you is in a long distance relationship. Pretending differently is not honest or good. It is not a "nice" thing if the reason for the occasional talks is your hopes that it will become more- that means they are not enough by themselves- all that is enough is if they become a romantic relationship- which is not very flattering. It is also very likely they are aware of this feeling. This does make it hard to continue a friendship if by talking they feel like they are leading you on.

    This also deprives you of the ability to to continue having a normal life of a single unattached person (and enjoying dating and friendship with others) if you are mentally/emotionally attached already. Putting your social and romantic life on hold and waiting around for a a year and a half is not a good plan. If your age is correct I would wonder what the age of the other person is (still being in uni programs) and are they at the same place mentally and maturity wise as you and looking for long term relationships in any way yet? It is a lot of time to waste on a hope in my opinion. The fact is nothing changes but the occasional contact is more comfortable if you were to actually go with the statement they are not looking for a relationship right now.

    They declined a date before they left- the odds of them deciding they want to seriously date when they get back after an extended time (the issue with long distance relationships) are not really high. If it happens then great, but it would be like any other relationship growing into something more. You are setting your self up for disappointment, and taking yourself off the market for an extended period based on the hope that dating will happen and it will be great? Be happy having a good friend to help keep the depression at bay- and use that improved mood to find other friends- and if something else comes along go with it without guilt or remorse. If it does not, then you are none the worse off, but also will not have reason to regret this time of just enjoying having a friend.