I've been thinking way too much. I've haven't really slept now since Saturday. I wake up every morning at 5 a.m. and try to go to bed at 9 p.m. but I stay awake until like 3 a.m. just thinking. People have asked me before what I do and seriously all I do is think. Think about my day, about life, remember things that happened, think of things I want to happen. I lay there and stare at the ceiling until it's too dark and then I close my eyes and just think. I think I'm kinda paranoid too cause I have to sleep with my window open and I always see things moving around in my room. I see these really big dark shapes and so I close my eyes tight and they still don't stop moving. I also feel like spiders are crawling all over my body and I've even had to get up like four times and undress in the bathroom to make sure I don't have any spiders crawling on me. Then I'll lay back down and that creepy-crawly feeling comes back. I'm so exhausted from not sleeping and I feel like I have too much time to think. On Sunday I went with my friend Mindy (cause she's back from camping!!!! :biggrin
and we saw the Dark Knight. It was amazing (to me) :laugh:!! But I was really tired. God, so much time to think is bad for me. I remember some really painful memories. Like last night, I was thinking about my family and how I don't fit in at all. I also realized that all the guys in my life leave me at the most difficult times. My dad's never been a really emotional person (as I think I've said before), but he used to be my favorite person. I used to do stuff with him all the time. . . but then I hit 11 and I got breasts and then I started my period and it was like. . . I was ignored all of a sudden and I felt like he'd thrown me away or something. Then there's my older brother. He was 10 when I was born (he has a different mom). He takes these trips to Michigan every once in a while to get away from Washington and spend some time with his mom, and he comes back. He always brings something back for my sister and brothers, but it's like he forgets about me. It's not that I want anything from him, but I just want to know that he missed me too, that I am still that little sister he used to hold and love. Sorry if this sounds so emotional and retarded, but as I've said, I think a lot. Then, there's A.J. He's just impossible to deal with. I think a part of his abusiveness is karma. Like maybe since I was so mean to him when we were little, he's now mean to everyone else. I don't know. It's my fault he is the way he is I guess. And then there was Nathan. Even though I knew what he wanted and that he never cared about me, I still hoped that maybe he felt the way he always said he did. Can you believe he actually told my brother's friends that he would "Fuck me then leave me."?? How fucking retarded is he? He already knew I'm not that way, I may be questioning my Christian beliefs, but I'm still waiting until marriage for sex. What was scary is that the few times he drove me home from school, he could have done anything. I was so stupid. Even though I didn't want to go with him alone, I did. Even though I felt so uncomfortable with him alone in his car, I still went. He was always pushing me to go farther than just holding hands. I always said no, but he pushed. In a way, I'm so glad and relieved that my parents found out about him even though it's still so embarrassing looking back and thinking, "God how stupid and naive I was (and still am)." This is getting really long. Sorry it's a post about nothing, just needed to get it out of my mind.
and we saw the Dark Knight. It was amazing (to me) :laugh:!! But I was really tired. God, so much time to think is bad for me. I remember some really painful memories. Like last night, I was thinking about my family and how I don't fit in at all. I also realized that all the guys in my life leave me at the most difficult times. My dad's never been a really emotional person (as I think I've said before), but he used to be my favorite person. I used to do stuff with him all the time. . . but then I hit 11 and I got breasts and then I started my period and it was like. . . I was ignored all of a sudden and I felt like he'd thrown me away or something. Then there's my older brother. He was 10 when I was born (he has a different mom). He takes these trips to Michigan every once in a while to get away from Washington and spend some time with his mom, and he comes back. He always brings something back for my sister and brothers, but it's like he forgets about me. It's not that I want anything from him, but I just want to know that he missed me too, that I am still that little sister he used to hold and love. Sorry if this sounds so emotional and retarded, but as I've said, I think a lot. Then, there's A.J. He's just impossible to deal with. I think a part of his abusiveness is karma. Like maybe since I was so mean to him when we were little, he's now mean to everyone else. I don't know. It's my fault he is the way he is I guess. And then there was Nathan. Even though I knew what he wanted and that he never cared about me, I still hoped that maybe he felt the way he always said he did. Can you believe he actually told my brother's friends that he would "Fuck me then leave me."?? How fucking retarded is he? He already knew I'm not that way, I may be questioning my Christian beliefs, but I'm still waiting until marriage for sex. What was scary is that the few times he drove me home from school, he could have done anything. I was so stupid. Even though I didn't want to go with him alone, I did. Even though I felt so uncomfortable with him alone in his car, I still went. He was always pushing me to go farther than just holding hands. I always said no, but he pushed. In a way, I'm so glad and relieved that my parents found out about him even though it's still so embarrassing looking back and thinking, "God how stupid and naive I was (and still am)." This is getting really long. Sorry it's a post about nothing, just needed to get it out of my mind.
i know exactly what you mean about the big black shapes in your room, i get this too. I also find that when i'm showering i just can't close both eyes at the same time, same for when i'm washing myface i literally have to wash one side first then the other in order to keep one eye open.. Lately i've been having some trouble sleeping too, well i get to sleep fine but then i keep waking up and tossing and turning during the night and then waking up quite early =\