too much to deal with

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by elvinchild, Feb 1, 2010.

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  1. elvinchild

    elvinchild Well-Known Member

    A year ago I started dating an older co-worker. I was going through a very rough time having trouble finding a place to live, had just lost my best friend because he couldn't deal with my depression... he was very kind and took me under his wing, helped me through my depression and helped me to find a home. We started dating and I moved into his house in September. My depression started to wear on him too. I was very sick with lyme disease and had to stop working for 3 months, even now I'm only able to work about 10 hours a week. Our sex life wasn't good because I was abused as a child and still have trouble now. He started to get very resentful. A week ago he cheated on me with another young coworker but had the decency to tell me. I'm in shock and feel sick and can't believe he would do this to me, at the same time I'm so angry at myself for not being worth anyone's time because of my issues. Now I'm trying to work it out with him but my heart tells me it isn't right, but I can't work very much and I can't afford my own place, I can't even afford my medical bills, and my disease is progressing just making my struggle with work worse. It is an endless cycle. I don't know what to do. I have nowhere to go. I've thought of checking into an inpatient program but that is expensive too.

    The worst is my horrible mood swings and lack of control. For most of the day I am able to survive, but at night the reality hits me, it is a nightmare only real, the pain and fear is so great, I become self destructive and find myself slicing up my arms and taking pills (self-harm, no suicidal intent) and beating my body with my fists, I am bruised and cut all over. I sleep 3 hours a night if even. I don't eat more than one small meal a day and I was already underweight. I am in so much pain both physically from the progressing disease and emotionally. I am destroying my life. I just want to die, I am afraid one of these times I will lose control completely and take a lethal overdose with my prescription drugs (although, thankfully I know its hard to successfully die from that).

    No point to this really, I just have no one to turn to.
  2. Stranger1

    Stranger1 Forum Buddy & Antiquities Friend

    Please don't OD on your meds.. You will more than likely fail and could end up with liver and kidney problems.. Is there nothing the DR can do for your lime disease?? As far as your partner goes.. If he cheated once then he is likely to do it again.. Do you have family you can move in with?? I know it's hard to live with them but it beats the alternative of becoming homeless..Keep posting and letting us know what is going on.. We will do what we can to help support you..Take Care!!
  3. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    Oh i am so sorry for the pain you are in I think it would be wise too to leave as he will cheat again no doubt about it. Can you not go into hospital for awhile just for a rest to stabilize your moods and to get away from the environment your in. Ask you GP if that is possible take care of you now okay.
  4. itmahanh

    itmahanh Senior Member & Antiquities Friend

    Oh there is a point to this. You finding some help and support to get through all this horrible stuff that is overwhelming you.

    And hun you always have your friends and members here to turn to.

    I think you need to talk to your doc about all this. He might be able to help. Or go directly to the hospital and tell them what is happening. You need to think of you right now and not the rest of it. And especially not him. If it is meant to be it will work out if not best to walk away now before the damage and hurt gets worse. Please hang on!!!!
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