too much to expect?

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by sarahmk2, Mar 20, 2008.

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  1. sarahmk2

    sarahmk2 Well-Known Member

    i am 29 years old, a short story of my life to explain why i feel the way i do...

    it started at 10 years old, i was sexually abused for two years, never told anyone.
    around this time i started self harming, this is still ongoing.
    when i was 16 i was raped by three men outside a pub. i was left pregnant and had a termination.
    at 17 i met a man 10 years older than me. i married him and moved into a life of mental and physical abuse.
    i had a breakdown at 23 and was hospitalised following two suicide attempts.
    i escaped my husband when i was 24.
    i have never finished anything i have started in my life as i dont have the willpower.
    i met a man who was the first person i have ever loved and trusted 3 years ago.
    we lived together and i dared to start thinking i had a future worth having.
    he left me a month ago, now i have no home, my family are miles away and i know no-one.
    it has been the final kick in the face for me and i dont feel i want to go on any more.
    i have felt this way most of my life but guilt has always stopped me.
    i feel that 18 years of pain and suffering is more than any one person should have to live through and i dont want to do it any more. i resent the fact that i am expected to stay alive just to keep other people happy

    sarah
     
  2. sarahmk2

    sarahmk2 Well-Known Member

    how would i go about ending things but making people understand that it wasnt their fault and i was just tired of feeling this way?
     
  3. Carcinogen

    Carcinogen Well-Known Member

    I'm sorry to hear about all you have been through. You've had a very tough deal. I wish there was something I could say to make it better, but there are no magic words.
    If you kill yourself, people will feel the pain, and may blame themselves no matter what you say. Try talking on here for a bit, just venting may make you feel better. Try to hang on just a little bit longer. Feel free to pm me if you need to. Take care.
     
  4. sarahmk2

    sarahmk2 Well-Known Member

    thanks.

    forgot to mention i also have had cervical cancer and broke my neck in a car crash so now i have permanent back problems.

    life feels like some kind of sick joke or an example for others to make them feel better about their own lives
     
  5. x.R.x

    x.R.x Well-Known Member

    :eek:hmy: wow you've been through a lot :sad: I'm sorry things are so bad for you right now...I agree though maybe you should stay and just talk about things for a while, get it all off your chest and you might feel better about things. Feel free to PM me if you need to
     
  6. sarahmk2

    sarahmk2 Well-Known Member

    the engine blew up on my car today, i think someone may be trying to tell me something lol

    i dont think im going to kill myself as such, but i dont think i will be trying to stay alive any more if that makes sense. what will be will be and that
     
  7. touglytobeloved

    touglytobeloved Well-Known Member

    I also think that some things are happening in my life just to show me that im in a wrong place at the moment, and that I should be here and alive. And I also left things and what will be will be. And, one day, maybe I will have enought courage to take my life in my own hands...
     
  8. Carcinogen

    Carcinogen Well-Known Member

    All I can say is fight til the end. Existence is Hellish, just hold on as long as you can, as best you can.

    Oh, I can also say f*** technology. Cars computers everything useless pillle of BULLLL****. Designrd to impsove life, only makes ity mored com[plicated.
     
  9. sarahmk2

    sarahmk2 Well-Known Member

    can you believe i just cut a 2 inch gash down my wrist and missed the vein
     
  10. sarahmk2

    sarahmk2 Well-Known Member

    please i wish someone could help me, i feel so close to the end right now i dont know what to do
     
  11. famous.last.words

    famous.last.words Forum Buddy

    im here, i cant promise i can help, but maybe we could talk?
    is your wrist okay?
     
  12. sarahmk2

    sarahmk2 Well-Known Member

    its stopped bleeding, just clear fluid leaking now.

    it doesnt hurt, i know thats a bad sign from experience, it means im really not well in my mind
     
  13. famous.last.words

    famous.last.words Forum Buddy

    if it doesnt hurt and its that deep it may mean you have damaged the nerve endings. would be worth going to hospital to get bandaged up properly if you feel good enough?

    What made you get that low to do it? Memories?
     
  14. sarahmk2

    sarahmk2 Well-Known Member

    no, i have been trying to be strong since he left, but i just dont think i can do it any more. my car is broken so i cant go get any drink and pills so wrists seemed to be the only option
     
  15. famous.last.words

    famous.last.words Forum Buddy

    Is that definatly it? no chance of getting back?
    After all you have lived through, and coped through, you shouldnt let this man be the end of you.
     
  16. hirondelle

    hirondelle Member

    I'm here too, and I can't promise to help but will try to do what I can. You have been through so much and your view of the world is shaped by this of course. People can get through horrendous experiences but usually with help, have you seen a doctor? You may find medication helpful for the emotional pain whislt you heal, have you seen a mental health professional? Have you tried talking to someone on the phone, like the Samaritans, you can go and see them if you want to talk face to face. Keep reaching out, we will try to help you.
     
  17. pit

    pit Well-Known Member

    hello my friend of misery

    glad you took the time to write this screed

    count the black clouds over me

    chuck my life into the sea
     
  18. sarahmk2

    sarahmk2 Well-Known Member

    ive seen countless doctors and therapists and been on anti depressants and tranquillisers for many years
     
  19. famous.last.words

    famous.last.words Forum Buddy

    Is there nothing you can find that makes you want to fight on? not some part of something which would make life worthwhile, even a potentiallity?
     
  20. sarahmk2

    sarahmk2 Well-Known Member

    i dont know, i feel a bit better today. i was trying to work out how to end it when i saw my two dogs staring at me. im going to try for a while longer for them.
    but this really is my last attempt, im going to give it six months
     
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