Short and to the point. 51 years-old. Wanted to die since age 4. Was never abused as a kid. Just don't like being alive. Yes, speech impediment. But it's not the root cause. Spent decades in therapy and on medications. No difference. Gets worse each passing year. I want my wife to leave me so that she can have a quality life. She won't. So I had an emotional affair. Hurt her and the other woman. Wife still won't leave. Kids are adults and moving on. I feel ashamed that they have to tell others that I am their dad. They deserve better. Can't kill myself, causes others too much pain. I've hurt people enough. Also, being alive and suffering is best for me. Death would be cheating what was meant to be. New to this forum. Don't know what I'm doing here. Maybe looking for answers that don't exist.