Too much to say

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by FDSLBH, Sep 19, 2011.

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  1. FDSLBH

    FDSLBH Member

    Short and to the point. 51 years-old. Wanted to die since age 4. Was never abused as a kid. Just don't like being alive. Yes, speech impediment. But it's not the root cause. Spent decades in therapy and on medications. No difference. Gets worse each passing year.

    I want my wife to leave me so that she can have a quality life. She won't. So I had an emotional affair. Hurt her and the other woman. Wife still won't leave. Kids are adults and moving on. I feel ashamed that they have to tell others that I am their dad. They deserve better.

    Can't kill myself, causes others too much pain. I've hurt people enough. Also, being alive and suffering is best for me. Death would be cheating what was meant to be.

    New to this forum. Don't know what I'm doing here. Maybe looking for answers that don't exist.
     
  2. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    Hi hun welcome to SF yes i too live on for my family Have you talked to your doctor recently hun tried newer medication for depression there are new ones for hard to treat depression now nice to see you reaching out for support hugs
     
  3. FDSLBH

    FDSLBH Member

    Yep. Been to the doctor, and going to a new counselor again. Nothing changes. Groundhog Day movie in action. Actually, things get worse over time. Medications make things worse too.
     
  4. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    I hope your new councillor helps then hun newer meds have help me some that is why i ask hugs to you:hugtackles::hugtackles:
     
  5. FDSLBH

    FDSLBH Member

    I'm not holding out any hope. I can predict every word that comes from their mouth now.

    My biggest concern is not for me. It's for my wife. She needs out from under me in a bad way.
     
  6. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    Hun that is HER choice okay you can't make that choice for her she loves you for the long haul she gets to choose if it is too much for her or not She obiviously loves you very very much hun don 't make her decisions for her okay she chooses to stay because she want to.
     
  7. pancake111

    pancake111 Well-Known Member

    It's hard to try to get better when you think you never can or will be.

    "It's hard to change the way you lose, if you think you've never won"-Matt Nathanson

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tXvMJ2UF4RM

    Music really helps me get through things. I hope it can help you. There's a huge age difference between us, but I'm willing to talk if you want.

    PM anytime!
     
  8. FDSLBH

    FDSLBH Member

    I can't listen to music right now. It's too painful.
     
  9. cutiepie132

    cutiepie132 Well-Known Member

    You can make things up to your family, your wife, and kids, treat them better, they will come to appreciate that. You can't change the past, but you can make it better now.
     
  10. FDSLBH

    FDSLBH Member

    I’m just about done. After 51 years, I did the best I could. I should have stayed with my plan, after high school, to become a hermit in Alaska and die from the harsh weather. It would have made things easier for everyone. I would have never had met my wife, and ruined her life. She could have had someone normal. My kids could have had a normal father as well. As far as my parents, they would have just known that I died from nature.

    A few days ago, I used my fists to pound on my skull several times. My head still hurts. I’m glad it hurts. I deserve worse from myself. When it’s time for bed, I go into the walk-in closet and crawl under clothes and other things to protect the world from me. I’m ashamed to have anyone see me. My wife has to drag me out each time, and put me in bed where she keeps a hand on me at all times. I’m ruining her sleep, and her life!

    I can’t be productive at work. I’ll be fired soon. My wife sent me texts all day yesterday to see how I was doing (crappy). Today, nothing. It appears that she has finally realized what I am, and what she needs to do to save herself. I told her to sign up to Match.com and other such sites to find a real husband. Perhaps she is doing that right now. Good for her!!! My kids could use a normal dad as well. As soon as my wife finds someone, I’ll leave. When she sees what she could have had all those years, she will be good and mad at me for wasting her life. I tried to tell her so many times. I tried to help her.

    Like I said, I did the best I could. I tried therapy and medications over the decades. There is no fix for me. At least I tried.

    I know it’s time to go. I just don’t know how.
     
  11. FDSLBH

    FDSLBH Member

    Almost there. I've been deleting traces of my existence from many places. I'm gone from Facebook, Classmates, MyLife, LinkedIn, and Twitter. I'm donating most of my personal belongings that were once important to me. Books, software, computers, golf clubs, movies, music, and many other things are gone. Most of my clothes have been donated or thrown away. Personal records such as diploma's, yearbooks, financial transactions, health records, and such have been shredded and are being recycled into something finally useful. The rest I am selling so that my wife and kids can have the money. The boat, collectibles, and other things are up for sale. It they don't sell, they will be donated.

    It's starting to look like I never existed. Next, I will go through the pictures next and cut myself out of them, or throw them away if it's only of me. I'm really excited that I'm so close to having never existed. To watch myself fade away is rewarding to me. It's like I'm erasing a bad memory for everyone who was polluted by my existence.

    I've decided how I will leave. There will be no mess for anyone to clean up or even see. A body will not be found either, that would be an awful reminder to others that I once existed. It will look like something that happens to good people, even though it will be me instead.

    I'm starting to finally feel happy.
     
  12. pancake111

    pancake111 Well-Known Member

    Try and tell me one thing you still enjoy. It can be anything. And whether you believe it or no5in people will miss you. Your wife kept texting you because use she cares about you.
     
  13. FDSLBH

    FDSLBH Member

    I enjoy being focused on a goal I really want, and working on it. I'm doing just that. My wife has to act like she cares or she could be blamed for this. I won't let that happen.
     
  14. pancake111

    pancake111 Well-Known Member

    Alright, how about you set a goal to do something that you've always wanted to do, but never got to it. (And this doesn't include suicide). Try to keep your mind set on something positive, something that will help you feel better.
     
  15. FDSLBH

    FDSLBH Member

    I do feel better. I've done most of what I set out to do in life. Other goals are fantasies only. I have no "bucket list" items left.
     
  16. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    YOU will NEVER be able to erase you from your wife and childrens minds never so all this distorted plans and thoughts will not work you will still exist in their minds and souls and hearts of t he people who care and you will bring them only sadness and pain which will be their last memories of you sorry but that is how it works
     
  17. pancake111

    pancake111 Well-Known Member

    I'm pretty sure there's at least one thing you haven't done yet, and that's trying save yourself. Like Total Eclipse said, you can't erase yourself from your family. You may think you are taking the pain away, but really you're going to create a whole new pain for your family.
     
  18. IV2010

    IV2010 Well-Known Member

    I hear your pain FDSLBH I really do, and have felt that way many times, but please reconsider this plan.
    this will transfer your pain to those left behind..your family who loves you
    Suicide leaves so much more pain than 'normal' death, so many more questions, guilt, anger, etc..so much pain
    I've lost a loved one to suicide .. I know.

    It sounds like your wife loves you very much... she gets you to bed and stays with you..texts throughout the day to let you know she cares...that's love.
    If she's not texting everyday I'd say it's because she doesn't want to get you in trouble at work.

    I wonder if you've ever been hospitalized for your illness?
    perhaps it's time to call for help...another try at life before it's too late
    don't give up *hug*
     
  19. FDSLBH

    FDSLBH Member

    Pausing to think.
     
  20. IV2010

    IV2010 Well-Known Member

    :grouphug:
     
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