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too much to swallow

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It's weird, but I've been having the weirdest dreams lately. Nothing horrible or scary, just... weird. Most of them are about me as someone else living someone else's life. If only that could really happen. I don't know why I've grown to despise myself so much. The silence of rejection from loved ones screams at me that I'm nothing more of a nuisance. I've never known anyone who could accept me completely the way I am, with all my weirdness.

I’ve always been the sort of person who needs to be able to visualize something before I can truly believe it can happen. The power of the mind is absolute, you know. Over the summer, I went through Army training for the National Guard and fretted over having to pass a two-mile run in the necessary time. My legs are stubby and heavy, I hyperventilate easily, and even after 7 years in the military, I’ve never been a runner. However, the desire to graduate and go home was so strong, I was determined not to give up on my physical shortcomings. I remember standing at the starting line, closing my eyes, and seeing the entire run from start to finish in my mind’s eye before it started. I saw myself getting through it victoriously, even though I hadn’t before. And when I actually had to do it, it hurt like hell… but I did it. I did it because I could see it happening. It was a challenge, but not an impossibility.

However, when I try to imagine myself being mostly happy with myself and normal for the rest of my life, I can’t see it at all. It’s like trying to picture myself sprouting wings and flying with the birds… a complete fantasy. I try to imagine living until I’m an old bag, but all I can see clearly is me dying young. The truth is, the idea of death is not scary to me. I believe we’ll all be reborn, and I live with the hope that my next life will be a lot more fulfilling than this one. I feel it is useless to live this life when it is impossible for me to love anyone. After everything my family has done to me, I can’t let my guard down for anyone. It’s always in the back of my mind: if my own blood could hurt me so terribly, what won’t anyone else do?

I hope all is well for everyone this holiday season. I hate Christmas. Such an awful time. Everyone with their families, constantly reminding me of the one thing I can't buy or replace. Last week, I was at the mall getting a manicure and I heard an old Christmas song that I had stashed away and forgotten. It’s called “Little Christmas Tree” by a very young Michael Jackson and I suddenly found it so relevant that I almost broke down crying in public.

"Little Christmas tree
Looking sort of sad and lonely just like me
No one seems to care
They just went away and left it standing there
All alone on Christmas Eve"

If you can look past the cheese of 1970s teen idol music, give it a go on Itunes.

Stay safe this long weekend.


Peach! It's true, logically, what you're saying. Yes, it's possible that if you let your guard down someone will hurt you. In fact it's probable that they won't be there for your entire life. I don't want to get preachy, but I want to convey a feeling, a memory.

If you have any semblence of sanity left which you apparently do, it's worth it to LET YOUR GUARD DOWN at least once before you die. Deep inside you have a truly passionate self that you've never ever allowed yourself to follow. You have a really strong dream that you're keeping locked up and it makes you want to die. You may choose never to believe it Peach but I believe you are exactly the kind of person who is perfect to sprout wings and fly with the birds. That's exactly how you'll feel anyway, if and when you finally let your guard down and take the chance to love somebody.

Take it from me, my life is basically a living hell these days. Still, looking back I can honestly say that those times of experiencing love were so good that it was all worth it. It was being and feeling ALIVE and going to HEAVEN (though I don't believe in an afterlife) that is an ETERNITY IN A SINGLE MOMENT. I don't think there is anything superior to that which a human being can experience, and I think that experience is all the more intensified if you previously believed it to be impossible, like I did too. The memory is one of the only comforts I have now. Just like you said you have to visualize it and then do it like when you did the run. You also have to wish it on another person, and visualize them experiencing the same thing. That's when it happens, for as long as people keep believing in the same dream the dream becomes their shared reality. That's how it really is!


Well-Known Member

I am a lot like you. I hate Christmas and all the hustle and bustle of malls. It is just crowded and people return stuff the next week anyhow. So there is no point to shopping in the first place.
i have been having strange dreams too. For a few weeks now I have had little sleep. I don't even think of the future because it is so dark...kinda like my past. It is so hurtful. I keep my guard up all the time and don't let many people into my life. I have trust issues when it comes to others. Stay safe and see you in '07.


Well-Known Member

I've come to realize that people who won't let their guard down are actually very caring people. They won't let it down because they don't want to get hurt. As the above poster said, you should let your guard down once before you die.

Ha! Listen to me talk, I'm such a hypocrite! I'm trying to change, though.

Anyway, even though your family has hurt you, you can make your own. It just means taking a risk. Take care, and try and have a happy Christmas.


SF Friend
Staff Alumni
"If I had to choose between Pain and Nothing, I would always choose Pain." ... not because I like pain, but because I like feeling, don't like feeling numb, not feeling anything. I used to have walls around myself to keep out the hurt, but they kept out the love as well. I finally tore down those walls and let it all in, the hurt and the love. I don't like the hurt but can't live without the love.

just my opinion...

Let me just say that each of your comments were really insightful, and it makes me all the more glad that I decided to join the group.

I'm trying to change... really, I've been trying for years. But I get so anxious around people, not really hearing what they're telling me, and always speculating on what they're really thinking. It all feels like a lost cause. I have had this great big sadness engulfing me for so long, it seems impossible for me to ever come out of it completely.

Of course, there are things I should try at least once before I die, but I fear these experiences would only aggravate my despair.


IMO, nothing will aggravate your despair more than not doing anything differently. What's the worst that could happen? You might end up feeling like you want to die. Oh wait, you already do. You might kill yourself. Oh wait, you're starting to plan that anyway.

Stop caring as much about what other people will think about what you do, don't even tell them what you do if necessary. Abandon perfect, predictable plans and be more flexible. Take the risk of getting hurt, because you're really not going to feel much worse than you already do, and in all likelihood you'll feel much better at least for a time. Make some days happen that you'll be able to look back on and say without doubt, "those were great times".
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