It's weird, but I've been having the weirdest dreams lately. Nothing horrible or scary, just... weird. Most of them are about me as someone else living someone else's life. If only that could really happen. I don't know why I've grown to despise myself so much. The silence of rejection from loved ones screams at me that I'm nothing more of a nuisance. I've never known anyone who could accept me completely the way I am, with all my weirdness.
I’ve always been the sort of person who needs to be able to visualize something before I can truly believe it can happen. The power of the mind is absolute, you know. Over the summer, I went through Army training for the National Guard and fretted over having to pass a two-mile run in the necessary time. My legs are stubby and heavy, I hyperventilate easily, and even after 7 years in the military, I’ve never been a runner. However, the desire to graduate and go home was so strong, I was determined not to give up on my physical shortcomings. I remember standing at the starting line, closing my eyes, and seeing the entire run from start to finish in my mind’s eye before it started. I saw myself getting through it victoriously, even though I hadn’t before. And when I actually had to do it, it hurt like hell… but I did it. I did it because I could see it happening. It was a challenge, but not an impossibility.
However, when I try to imagine myself being mostly happy with myself and normal for the rest of my life, I can’t see it at all. It’s like trying to picture myself sprouting wings and flying with the birds… a complete fantasy. I try to imagine living until I’m an old bag, but all I can see clearly is me dying young. The truth is, the idea of death is not scary to me. I believe we’ll all be reborn, and I live with the hope that my next life will be a lot more fulfilling than this one. I feel it is useless to live this life when it is impossible for me to love anyone. After everything my family has done to me, I can’t let my guard down for anyone. It’s always in the back of my mind: if my own blood could hurt me so terribly, what won’t anyone else do?
I hope all is well for everyone this holiday season. I hate Christmas. Such an awful time. Everyone with their families, constantly reminding me of the one thing I can't buy or replace. Last week, I was at the mall getting a manicure and I heard an old Christmas song that I had stashed away and forgotten. It’s called “Little Christmas Tree” by a very young Michael Jackson and I suddenly found it so relevant that I almost broke down crying in public.
"Little Christmas tree
Looking sort of sad and lonely just like me
No one seems to care
They just went away and left it standing there
All alone on Christmas Eve"
If you can look past the cheese of 1970s teen idol music, give it a go on Itunes.
Stay safe this long weekend.
I’ve always been the sort of person who needs to be able to visualize something before I can truly believe it can happen. The power of the mind is absolute, you know. Over the summer, I went through Army training for the National Guard and fretted over having to pass a two-mile run in the necessary time. My legs are stubby and heavy, I hyperventilate easily, and even after 7 years in the military, I’ve never been a runner. However, the desire to graduate and go home was so strong, I was determined not to give up on my physical shortcomings. I remember standing at the starting line, closing my eyes, and seeing the entire run from start to finish in my mind’s eye before it started. I saw myself getting through it victoriously, even though I hadn’t before. And when I actually had to do it, it hurt like hell… but I did it. I did it because I could see it happening. It was a challenge, but not an impossibility.
However, when I try to imagine myself being mostly happy with myself and normal for the rest of my life, I can’t see it at all. It’s like trying to picture myself sprouting wings and flying with the birds… a complete fantasy. I try to imagine living until I’m an old bag, but all I can see clearly is me dying young. The truth is, the idea of death is not scary to me. I believe we’ll all be reborn, and I live with the hope that my next life will be a lot more fulfilling than this one. I feel it is useless to live this life when it is impossible for me to love anyone. After everything my family has done to me, I can’t let my guard down for anyone. It’s always in the back of my mind: if my own blood could hurt me so terribly, what won’t anyone else do?
I hope all is well for everyone this holiday season. I hate Christmas. Such an awful time. Everyone with their families, constantly reminding me of the one thing I can't buy or replace. Last week, I was at the mall getting a manicure and I heard an old Christmas song that I had stashed away and forgotten. It’s called “Little Christmas Tree” by a very young Michael Jackson and I suddenly found it so relevant that I almost broke down crying in public.
"Little Christmas tree
Looking sort of sad and lonely just like me
No one seems to care
They just went away and left it standing there
All alone on Christmas Eve"
If you can look past the cheese of 1970s teen idol music, give it a go on Itunes.
Stay safe this long weekend.
