too much to take.

Discussion in 'Rape and Abuse' started by lost_child, Oct 26, 2007.

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  1. lost_child

    lost_child Well-Known Member

    blood on ur hands. 10 years old he started to sexually abuse me. It didn't feel like abuse, it felt like a normal relationship what ever that was, until I was 13 that was the first time it felt like rape with him. from that day forward it was violent everything changed. For the first 3 years, he would mastubate over me, I would sit doing my homework and he would put he's hands down my trousers/skirt and touch me, whilst mastubating himself and ejlicting over my back. I would go to the toilet he would follow, as I washed my hands he would be touching me, rubbing himself on my. He would take photos of me nude, or in my school uniform. He would sometimes have sex with me in he's bed. He would pin me against the front door when I went to leave, he's hands around my throat and he's fingers in me, he was kissing me he's tongue in my mouth. for almost a year after it stopped he continued to follow me aruond, would be outside school, would be on the main road where I lived, would crawl up and down the road in he's car watching me.

    Today,I was back there, not just in memory but actually there. He's hands on me, he pinned me to that same door he has before, and he's fingers in me. He hit me around the face, everything but have sex with me, so why does it feel like he has raped me all over again. why do I have the same dirty feelings I did on my 13th birthday. why.

    I know you won't understand, ur now see how dirty I am, what a dirty bitch I am. your hate me as much as I hate me. I let this man sexually abuse me/rape me for 5 years...and today I went back.

    I want to end this pain so badly, I've cleaned with bleach, I've cut myself but I still can't stop shaking, I can't calm down. I feel sick. I want to die. I can't take anymore. I have no family to talk to, I have no friends who seem to understand. :cry:
  2. Fishman

    Fishman Guest

    :( stay safe.
  3. Blackness

    Blackness Guest

    I dont think you're dirty at all, you probably had no escape route honey, you cant blame urself for his digusting behaviour. I bet you had no one to go, or he probably threatened you not to tell anyone..

    Is this your father??
  4. RySp123

    RySp123 Guest

    You probably went back there for answers lost_child. To face this demon in your past and relived it as if it was actually happening. I know, it can seem and feel so 'real' that touch, smell all is as it had once been down to the last detail. You did feel raped as you were back then because it was 'a rape' and you must accept and come to term with the fact that it was a rape yet you take part of the guilt which is against the principle of rape. You DID NOT let this man abuse of you. As a child, you didn't have the knowledge to make difference in what is proper and not between two people. He took advantage of you, spoiling your youth, spoiling your mind, spoiling your dreams and innocence on all accounts.

    Do NOT take any of the blame as none is your fault lost_child and if you can, reach out from a good psi/terapist/social worker/counseler and perhaps even a lawyer and see to have this person put away and the key thrown away. You'd only clean the place from a person who problably is still or will again one day abuse of another person ..... but first thing first. Seek psi help and then together work on healing. I won't lie to you, you will never forget, the scar is inside and no surgery can make it go away, it is part of you but you can learn with the right tools to co-live with it and fully reach peace and happiness down the road. It is a long and hard road but peace does come ...... be patient and cuddle and nurtur the child hurting in you. Tell this child how much you care and love her and that from now on, you are there, grown up, to ensure her safety and well being. Give yourself all the Love you deserve lost_child. Do not push away nor postpone reaching out for help healing lost child. Denial is the worse thing abused people can do to themselves as to taking the blame. You are an innocent victim. Call a teen hotline or something like this and get the nearest help place near you.

    None think ill of you, the opposite I'd say. Each of us wish to cuddle and reassure that hurting child. None can undo the past but you can prepare your future and hope you will by reaching for help.

    Hope you will give an update on how you are doing down the road. Keep people informed of your progress please. Best of luck to you lost_child
    and take good care of yourself
  5. Aaron

    Aaron Well-Known Member

    Can you report him to the police?
  6. lost_child

    lost_child Well-Known Member

    he's not my old man, he's a family friend, my friends grandad. I can't report him I don't have the strength in me to fight him, and the courts. Its not worth reporting as tehey get away with it. sorry feeling vert sick, i drank too much and took pills this morning. its all too much and not being able to talk about what's going on is hurting me more. sorry
  7. RySp123

    RySp123 Guest

    How is your relationship with your parents? Is there anyone you feel close enough to open to? If not directly of the issue, to give the person strong hints about how you feel (not the problem itself) as a start'? Might be a counselor at school, a priest, a friend or family member hun but dont keep it all in...... its poison
    Write about it and send the letter if you cant talk but do share with someone :hug:
  8. lost_child

    lost_child Well-Known Member

    My old man sexually abused me and I've not seen him for many many years. My relationship with my mother isn't good. I am seeing a therpist and have been for 18 months but its still very difficult to speak, I trust her and know she understands and when I can talk it does sometimes help in the long run. Its just very very raw.

    I'm sorry, I just can't seem to move on. the past is the present, andd controlling everything. It can't be normal to want to die, or to have thoughts of suicide nearly everyday. but then I'm not normal, I know that. sorry
  9. numberman

    numberman Well-Known Member

    As I have said to you before you do a self-assertive streak which you need to survive in this competitive world but it has to be channelled properly.You need to try to put your energy into your job and human interaction skills..not trying to enact a revenge on someone,understandable as it is.You could have ended up in court quite easily there

    I am sympathetic to you and I trust that you know that from previous posts,I most certainly do not think you dirty and neither does anyone else on this forum

    I would have hoped that talking about revenge with a counsellor would have prevented you doing what you did..what happened in the session

    If you are now in a position where you feel afraid because this man knows where you live then you need to go to the police or a solicitor and attempt to obtain a restraining order,NOW. The law is on your side and you need to use it against him

    Keep well away from him and call the police if he comes near you.

    But as importantly please try to look to the future and not always the past,no amount of bleach will get rid of that,only what you do in your mind can do that and we are all here for you
  10. lost_child

    lost_child Well-Known Member

    when we spoke of revenge it was more in a sense of sticking two fingers up to them and showing them that we are better then basically we could show them we not scared and they can't hurt us. But I have so much anger in me that all I could think of was physically hurting him.

    I have spoken to someone today about prosecuting him, but I don't feel safe in doing so knowing that so many peadophiles get away with it, I wouldn't cope being cross examined or being called a liar all over again.

    I just want to get to a place where I feel safe, and where I can walk the streets without fear or without thinking about him or any of the others.
  11. MySecrets

    MySecrets Member

    It feels like humanity has failed you, they say everything happens for a reason though your story makes me question this theory.
    I feel very honoured to be able to read your past, and for that i thank you

    A question ( you could pm or email me the answer, You do NOT have to answer this question)

    Would it satisfy you or feel at ease knowing that he is dead?
  12. numberman

    numberman Well-Known Member

    You have taken an extremely important step in talking to someone here,please keep going.I/we will support you.

    The law is on your side.You have muddied your position by going to his premises but there is not a lawyer worth his salt who could not defend you and at the very least get a restraining order against the man.

    You have as much right as anyone else to walk down the streets free of fear,this is precisely what the law is for.

    The issue about not thinking about them still is something that you must sort in your head although I know that if you felt more secure that would help.I would have to say though that going to see this man would at best only have caused you to visit once again the dark corners of your mind whereas what you need to do is try to "throw a blanket" over those areas and focus on the really important issues in your life,namely your job and your sisters/nephew and niece and getting more human contact
  13. lost_child

    lost_child Well-Known Member

    A question ( you could pm or email me the answer, You do NOT have to answer this question)

    Would it satisfy you or feel at ease knowing that he is dead?

    NO. I don't wish anyone dead...He done wrong to me, not he's family..and it would be he's family that suffer from he's death not him. so NO it wouldn't satisfy me if he was dead. It also wouldn't ease the pain if he was dead, the memories, the fact that he stole so much would still be with me, if he was dead or alive.
  14. MySecrets

    MySecrets Member

    So you think that he should live his life like nothing had happend because what's done is done. What if he's doing what he did to you to another child, don't you think that he should be stopped or atleast be imprisoned or is this the wrong way to think because it could effect his family?
  15. lost_child

    lost_child Well-Known Member

    Shut Up Please. Shut Up.
    Yes He Has Already Hurt Another Child And Yes Its My Fault I Know That. Just Because I Don't Want Him Dead Doesn't Mean I Want Him To Abuse Others. I Was 15 When It Stopped I Couldn't Go To The Police. You Don't Understand If I Had Gone Yes She Wouldn't Have Been Abused, Blood On My Hands, I Ruined Her Life, I Know That. I Know I Ruined Another Girls Life Because I Said Nothing. I No That.

    Thank You For The Reminder.
  16. Abacus21

    Abacus21 Staff Alumni

    Tone it down please, MySecrets.

    You're obviously upsetting other members in this thread - think about what you post before you press the 'Submit' button.
    If you continue to do this, effectively harrassing other members, you will be placed under moderation.
  17. numberman

    numberman Well-Known Member

    could i respond to Abacus21

    Sometimes shock tactics can work

    Lost child really needs to deal with this man,only she can do it,the stark reality surely needs to be spelt out

    Lost is over the edge already and we are all frantically trying to pull her back but really she will only properly be ok and safe once this man is behind bars
  18. Abacus21

    Abacus21 Staff Alumni

    That's your opinion.

    Seeing as she's clearly upset in this thread over this, then it would seem that isn't the right way to go about things for her.

    :hug: Lost Child
  19. lost_child

    lost_child Well-Known Member

    I can't go to the police about him ~ I have looked into reporting him, he has been reported before and the police decided they wasn't enough evidence to get a case.

    I've looked into the procedure of reporting child abuse as an do so.

    I have to relive every minute of my life, not just with the person who raped and abused me from 10 - 15, but also reliving the rape when at 9, my mothers boyfriend sexually abusing me when I was 8 until they split, my old man and he's step son. You have to make a statement and include every little detail, things I can't even say or write, u have to tell the police, people you don't even know, people I don't trust. Then they will be brought in for questioning if charges are brought against them, and they pled guilty then theirs no court hearing, however..if they pled not guilty, which he will, he has before..the case gets referred to the CPS, if the CPS decide not to prosecute due to lack of evidence your reminded that AGAIN NO ONE BELIEVED YOU. if the case does go to court, you get cross examined, your called a liar, your told all the things, that your abuser told become abused again. Of all the cases that are reported, the percentage that get a conviction is so low. Rape has limitations so to report you have to do so within the statutory time.

    I CAN'T DEAL WITH THAT...I was advised that unless yuo have plenty of real time support, you won't cope with a case, I have no real time support.

    You don't understand, you don't get it...they have the power over me.

    I already feel guilty for ruining another girls life, and yes she is now an adult ~ she reported him to the police, I said nothing, nothing I kept quiet. I was 18 at the time, an adult I should have said something but I didn't and I have to live with that. I know I have blood on my hands, I have and still am being punished for this. I know its my fault.

    I don't know what people want me to do.

    I will shut up, I won't speak again. I live in fear of something happening again, I won't speak of it anymore. I will shut up.

    You can't blame me anymore then I blame myself. Yes, I want to kill myself, the self loath I hold, the guilt, the blame, living in fear..Its not a life. I've ruined others lifes I sentenced them to a life of misery because I said nothing. I was abused from 3-15..silence was my world, I had spoken out before and what happened when i spoke out, stops me from doing it again.

    Bye and sorry.
  20. Terry

    Terry Antiquities Friend Staff Alumni

    Can I just say something here.
    Since when is it your fault..listen hun

    HE is the perpetrator!!
    HE is the villian!!
    HE is the one who makes these choices!!!
    HE is the devil incarnate!!!

    If you had reported it there is a slim chance he wouldn't have got to this girl, but the fact is he had hurt you in a way that made it impossible for you to report it.
    Life is full of if, buts whys and what ifs, what if you reported it went to court, fell apart and he walked free!!
    However, much we might want his arse nailed to a wall (and believe you me I want him hurt and imprisoned) fact is you couldn't face it so matter closed :hug:

    His day will come hun and an almighty cheer will resound round the planet, you have to be kind to yourself, cos it seems there has been little to no kindness in your life :hug:
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