I'm tired. So tired. Of everything. I don't want to hurt anymore. I don't want to feel my heart physically ache because im hurting this much. I'm tired of fighting, and trying, when it all seems so pointless. I've been fighting for as long as I remember, just to have some semblance of a quality of life. And for what? What actually is the point? Why the hell did I let people fool me into believing things can get better? That I DESERVED it to get better? People are full of empty promises, of false hope.. how do they know for certain that things are going to get better? That I'm not always going to feel this way? They don't. I've felt this way for as long as I can remember, and what, I'm supposed to just keep on going? I'm not even living... this can't be called living.. this is existing. And I don't want it. I'm tired of people telling me I can trust them, and then them walking away. Of being hurt over and over again. Of not being good enough for anyone. How can it not be me, when for as long as I can remember, everyone has left? All of those people aren't wrong. I know they aren't. So the blame must lie with me. I must be the worthless, disgusting piece of shit I perceive myself to be, if people keep leaving. If people make promises of their friendship, of their trust, and love, and care, but leave me regardless. How many knockbacks can one person handle before they finally admit that it's enough? How many days, and weeks, and months, and years can someone feel this amount of self hatred, and hurt, and loneliness? And how many bloody tears can someone cry before admitting defeat? I've had it. I'm done. It's too fucking hard, and I'm done. I don't want this anymore. The only people I see are my mental health workers. How pathetic is that? My family have disowned me, my 'friends' can't be bothered. So why the hell should I bother? It's so pointless. And I feel SO stupid for attempting to pick myself back up time and time again! People must laugh.. must think that I should just give it up.. I look pathetic, fighting a losing battle! People lie, and people are bloody cruel, but I know that the blame rests at my feet. I get that, but it doesn't make it any easier. So.. yeah.. forget it. It actually IS pointless.