Too much. Too tired.

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by lostbutnotfound, Jan 13, 2011.

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  1. lostbutnotfound

    lostbutnotfound Well-Known Member

    I'm tired. So tired. Of everything. I don't want to hurt anymore. I don't want to feel my heart physically ache because im hurting this much. I'm tired of fighting, and trying, when it all seems so pointless. I've been fighting for as long as I remember, just to have some semblance of a quality of life. And for what? What actually is the point? Why the hell did I let people fool me into believing things can get better? That I DESERVED it to get better? People are full of empty promises, of false hope.. how do they know for certain that things are going to get better? That I'm not always going to feel this way? They don't. I've felt this way for as long as I can remember, and what, I'm supposed to just keep on going? I'm not even living... this can't be called living.. this is existing. And I don't want it.
    I'm tired of people telling me I can trust them, and then them walking away. Of being hurt over and over again. Of not being good enough for anyone. How can it not be me, when for as long as I can remember, everyone has left? All of those people aren't wrong. I know they aren't. So the blame must lie with me. I must be the worthless, disgusting piece of shit I perceive myself to be, if people keep leaving. If people make promises of their friendship, of their trust, and love, and care, but leave me regardless. How many knockbacks can one person handle before they finally admit that it's enough? How many days, and weeks, and months, and years can someone feel this amount of self hatred, and hurt, and loneliness? And how many bloody tears can someone cry before admitting defeat? I've had it. I'm done. It's too fucking hard, and I'm done. I don't want this anymore.
    The only people I see are my mental health workers. How pathetic is that? My family have disowned me, my 'friends' can't be bothered. So why the hell should I bother? It's so pointless. And I feel SO stupid for attempting to pick myself back up time and time again! People must laugh.. must think that I should just give it up.. I look pathetic, fighting a losing battle!
    People lie, and people are bloody cruel, but I know that the blame rests at my feet. I get that, but it doesn't make it any easier.
    So.. yeah.. forget it. It actually IS pointless.
  2. Cpt-Fantastic

    Cpt-Fantastic Banned Member

    it seems familiar, people promise you things and they probably do it with the best intentions, but then they forget or start something else. it happens to everybody, thats why you cannot 100% rely just on other people, the most important relationship you have in life is the relationship you have with yourself, put yourself first and if you are able just call one of your friends up and ask them over for a cup of tea or a beer or something (i dont know what you have in the fridge;))
  3. tappa

    tappa Well-Known Member

    i recognise ur feelings exactly, i jus hope for both our sake's ur wrong. and there is some truth in those empty promises.
    u've clearly been tryin for so long to no avail but (hipocritically im guna say) dont give up. jus keep tryin.
    wt for ur thinkin? ..the possibility tht u can get better.
    there's always a possibility. no matter hw small. jus seems a LOT of hurt to hold on for such a small answer i no.
    but jus hold on, for a lil bit. there r ppl here tht have been through the worst and r gettin better. lets hope ur guna do sooner rather thn later sweetheart

  4. BornFree

    BornFree Well-Known Member

    :console: and remember you're loved this much :arms: and more D!

    I am so worried about you! So sorry things aren't good for you at the moment! You are NOT pathetic ok... its the depression talking - don't let it win.
    All the times you've picked yourself up shows just how brave you are and a huge amount of courage.

    PLEASE don't give up - TELL your MH workers ok... its time for you now, let them help you and take care of you! Tell them the meds aren't working... You are not alone... keep posting and let it all out and allow other people in to support you ok.

    Take care of you...

    lotsa love
    Ditsy xxx
  5. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    No it is not pointless okay i fight constantly the pain the sadness and yes there will be days where you won't have to do it. If your meds are not working change them okay get better therapy change things up.
    I know we feel we can battle this alone but no we can't depression is not something you can battle alone.
    Please do not give up there are people who go into remission and lead great lives okay I hope and pray the pain subsides for you and you reach out for the help of others hugs.
  6. LostButNotFound

    First things first your problems may all be your fault but you don’t need to own them forever. You could have totally messed up in a megalithic way and yeah you may have been wrong, but ask yourself this are you still that person.

    I don’t know what your situation is but you don’t have to feel self hatred. From experience I know what some people are like. They will help you along the path of self destruction smiling at you all along the way. You see if you’ve done bad things in life, yes you were wrong maybe you were very wrong, but if you are trying to change then don’t listen to what other people want you to think about yourself.

    I know this may just sound like something you have already heard before but life will get better, but you have to put in the work to make it better. If people are trying to pull your life apart know this, that your worth isn’t in other peoples thoughts its in your thoughts. EXAMPLE there’s a guy everyone in his community thinks he is a total loser and will amount to nothing; this same guy 2 years later achieves everything he had ever dreamed of. So what does that say about other peoples thoughts about this guy, they mean absolutely nothing. This guy had his on perception of who he was going to be and he held fast to it never accepting what other people wanted him to think.

    So what I am trying to say is don’t worry about what other people think. You need to get up close and personnel with yourself and search all your motives and wrong doings and come to terms with the fact that you messed up, then start changing who you were to who you are, and if your still doing wrong stuff you need to stop. The wages of sin is death and if you live a rotten life you will reap rottenness, if you have been doing bad stuff maybe that’s why your life is the way it is. You need to change so you can feel good about who you are, people will always have something or other to say about you but if you can be at peace in your own heart with who you are then that’s what matters.

    The next time someone says something to you or tries to drag you down just walk on by and know; that you know; who you are and what you’re going to be. I once heard somewhere that people who try to destroy other peoples dreams are people who don’t have any of there own.

    Those feelings of not being good enough, who do you have to be good enough for? If you’re not good enough for them you know what, there not good enough for you as simple as that. You say you have felt self hatred and hurt for years now, well ask your self what about? Is it your past? The way you look? I don’t know but ask yourself what it is.

    I used to hate myself as well wallowing in self pity but I snapped out of it and it was not at all hard; it was simply a change of thought. I let people beat me up psychologically about who I once was. And I felt like I was this person and had to be this person forever because after all I had made the mistakes. But as the pain and self hatred got worse I got to a point were I said enough is enough. I knew who I was now and it was not the person from the past. So I got all the junk that people say about me and I basically accepted it for what it was. It was my past, it was my first shot at life that went terribly wrong and it was not going to rob me of my future.

    Now I think about the person I am and want to be and I feel happy even though people try to pull me back into my past to feel miserable about who I was. If you have a bad past do this; accept the whole truth of your past as it is in your own mind, you know the reasons why and also the ways it happened, don’t let people make you think you were something that you know you were not. You know the situations in your life better than anybody; they just know the stories and bent truths.

    I can only talk from personnel experience and my experience is I had a bad past and people try to make me that person again, so that’s where I can offer help.

    The blame may lie with you but that does not mean the game is over, You can turn around and be a better person. Yes people may always run away from you and perhaps never forgive you but that’s not the point. The point is you are doing the right thing, that does not always guarantee that everyone else will. The world is a cruel and nasty place and some people take great pleasure in destroying other peoples lives, and from my own personnel experience they like to create situations in your life so they can justify there actions.

    A blind man can’t see the damage he does because he is already so damaged, but a person who can see clearly, can see exactly what harm he is doing and if he chooses to do it; he knows exactly what he’s doing and must have the heart to do it.

    I wish there was more I could do for you. Life is not easy but it does not have to be so hard that you want to kill yourself. Yes you will have to fight but the more you fight the better fighter you will be. What is it you want most in life, answer that question and set your mind on it and go for it. Don’t let circumstances or people hold you back from it. Take small steps towards your goal and in months or perhaps years you will have exactly what you want. That goes for relationships as well, not everyone in this world is going to hate you. There are some people in this world who are willing to forgive you and are just right for you, you just need to find them.

    Peace and Love
    I Hope You Achieve Everything You Have Ever Wanted

    After The Rain Comes The Sun
  7. me myself and i

    me myself and i Account Closed

    Aftertheraincomesthesun, i salute you, my thoughts exactly.
  8. TheOncomingStorm

    TheOncomingStorm Well-Known Member

    Donna I :wub: you and you know it. You gotta stick in there for me :( You know i'm always here for you when you need to talk, and i'm sorry that you feel so crap xx
  9. lostbutnotfound

    lostbutnotfound Well-Known Member

    Thank you for all of your kind words.

    I know that medication and therapy seems like the way forward, but I have tried that for 8 years, intensive therapy, and numerous medications. I've been given a variety of diagnosis' and seen more psychiatrists, psychologists, doctors, and nurses than I can keep count of. This is my point, I have tried being positive, and tried fighting to get well, and tried talking to people. I've tried not caring about people, I've tried caring about people. And NOTHING seems to have worked. I feel pathetic, for letting my past eat me up like this, for letting my family, and people who walked away still have an impact on me. For letting the stuff I went through still fucking affect me. And.. I've been fighting my whole life. I've had intensive support for 8 years. And I'm still like this. So what is the point? I don't want to keep fighting, and keep failing. I don't want every minute of every day to be painful to get through. I don't want to be racked with paranoia over everything and everyone. I just don't. And I don't want to keep working at getting better, when, even if that happens, I know from experience I end up falling again, and each time I fall, it hurts even more. I wish I could snap out of this, I wish I could forget, I wish I could not give a shit about anything or anyone. But I can't. So what other option do I have left? This isn't a snap decision, this isn't a whimsical thing, I literally can't see any other way out of this. I don't know what else there is to do. I'm not sure there is anything else I want to do. I want this to stop. I need this to stop. And if suicide is the only way for that guarantee, then suicide it is.
  10. Stranger1

    Stranger1 Forum Buddy & Antiquities Friend

    Theres no guarantee that suicide is the answer.. No one knows what is on the other side..It could be a better world or it could be hell.. Thats why were here to find out the answers in this life.. No one wants to see you hurt yourself..I don't know you but I care just like I care about every other member here..Keep fighting to follow a positive path.. Don't let depression win.. It lies to you and hurts when it is failing to keep ahold of you.. Talk to us.. You know you have friends here.. Take care!!
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