Too Much

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Welsh, Dec 10, 2007.

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  1. Welsh

    Welsh New Member

    I don't know who to turn to anymore.

    I'm 25. I own my own business. I have a loving fiance, the wedding is planned for next year. I have a caring mother who I see every day and all I can think about is how much easier it would be if I just didn't have to be here anymore.

    I feel like I'm getting older and nothing is getting easier. My business was my dream and now I'm financially enmeshed in accounts and loan repayments and I've lost the things that originally made me want to do what I do, because all it is, is stress. I'm meant to be living my dream and its just a nightmare. I dread going to work, I dread the customers, I dread the bills, I dread the loan, I dread the bank yet I'm doing what I wanted to do all my life. If my dream job turns out to be a nightmare what do I have left, it's all I ever worked for.

    My fiance moved 3000 miles to be here. But he's having problems with citizenship, it is a lot of paperwork, a lot of money and a lot of hassle. He is tired, and stressed. He is here on a student visa and has to keep studying to stay in the country.. the fees are huge, and he has enough to finish his degree but not really enough to live at the same time, so mybusiness has to support us. He has left his family behind and he has no friends, only me - yet I am tired, and stressed, and I'm not there for him. He comes home from school and he is tired, he helps out with the business when he can, but he has no time or energy for housework. I have to come home from work and cook the meal, I have to find the time to buy the food. I used to love cooking, now I dread having to make him a nice meal. Since he has been helping me with my business he says he doesn't have time to even do the dishes, so I have to do that too, just a little thing, but I often find myself crying over it. I do the laundry, take the rubbish out, walk the dogs, pick up their mess.

    I have a good name and a good reputation as an expert in my field, I have good qualifications and I worked really hard to be well known and well reputed at a young age. I work on an online forum answering questions and helping people with queries in my field which I do for free as a moderator, and I was so proud to be part of that website, the biggest in the field in the country, and now it just seems like I have thousands of people on there expecting things from me. It's another job, and I don't even get paid for it - but how can I let those people down. If I stop, if people really knew how much stress and pressure I was under, I would lose my place near the top, and everything I have worked for. I might have reputation and expertise, but I don't have money, it is not a get rich quick profession and I always knew that I would not get rich doing what I loved but I chose it anyway. Now I'm wondering if I have made a mistake and wasted my life.

    My health just seems to be going downhill. I am allergic to quite a few foodgroups, so cooking is hard. So we've been getting takeout quite a lot - which means my stomach retaliates and I have spent many nights being sick. I know that the takeout food will make me sick and cause me pain but I just don't care, the thought of cooking and then washing up is so unbearable, so I either eat it, or go without. I have a bad hernia, and I take several different medications a day. I've had abdominal surgery twice since in the last 3 years, I've been on kidney dialysis, and my liver is shot - not because I drink or do drugs, but because my pancreas stopped working because of a massive gallstone blockage and poisoned my liver last year, it has not recovered yet. The drugs I take make my weight go crazy, and I eat almost nothing, but I'm always bloated, and put a lot of weight on, and there goes my pride of appearance, I look at myself in the mirror and feel sick. I don't have enough money left over to get a good doctor now so I just have to bear it. I feel like I'm 60 and ready to retire, but I know I've probably got another 40 years of working before I could retire. The only doctor I can go to tells me to take my meds and exercise more to get some of the excess weight off. I only sleep about 4-5 hours a night as it is - and he is telling me to go to the gym. I barely have the energy to get dressed in the morning.

    My mother is 50 and had to leave her job to care full time for her elderly mother, and her ill sister, who has severe schizophrenia and needs daily injections and care. Even if we could afford to get them both into homes who could care for them properly, I am not sure she would do it, as long as she can still care for them she will. But recently she has had to care for me too, to help me with the housework, and to help me with my loan repayments and paying the mortgage and sorting out the business accounts, but I'm 25 - she looked after me, she brought me up, she supported me as a child, now I should be repaying her. She should be retiring and I should be supporting her. She should be doing the things she loves and she is still stuck caring for other people before herself. She deserves better and I can't give it to her.

    It's just too much. I don't live for myself anymore, the past few months I constantly think about how easier it would be to fall asleep and not wake up. If I was to die naturally without any pain, my fiance could go back to his own country and his own family, my mother wouldn't have to work so hard anymore. I'm living for 2 people, I know that I can't kill myself because of the pain and suffering it would leave behind and I can't do that to the people I love, but sometimes I'm crossing the road and I go slow and think, well if it was an accident, they'd get over it quickly, and they really are truly better off without me, and I would be much better off if I could just rest in peace.
     
  2. scared_child

    scared_child Account Closed

    Hey, i hope that your doing okay. Just remember that even when it doesnt seem worth it...it is. Because things will get better in the long run even if they seem like they wont. Good Luck.
     
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