Too much!!

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by nok1888, Nov 28, 2009.

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  1. nok1888

    nok1888 Well-Known Member

    Im bipolar, had it since I can remember but it took doctors till I was 30 (6 years ago) to diagnose me. Just had enough of the daily, weekly and monthly ups n downs. The mania is great at the time but when I go down I go way down as in Im stuck in my bed unable to function at all. Every time I come up I think this is it Im cured then life gives me the malkie and ive sunk low AGAIN.....again and again all my life Ive went through this and cant keep taking it again and again. <Mod Edit, WildCherry: Methods>. every day for the last week Ive tried to think of reasons not to go hide somewhere and take them all, do you know what reasons Ive got so far.....none! 36 years old and Ive got nothing worth living for in fact everyone would be better off with me gone. Tried for a few years to fight through it and nothings better, nothings changed. Im on 3 mood stabilizers 1 for the mania which works too well, 1 for the depression that does nothing and my anti-psychotic that works for both mania and depression but mainly helps me sleep and stops the delusions.

    Sorry for going on and on more than likely boring you to tears, just thought I'd write it down see if anything clicked inside this waste of space I have the misfortune to call my brain. As always.....nothing!
     
    Last edited by a moderator: Nov 28, 2009
  2. WildCherry

    WildCherry Staff Member ADMIN

    I had to edit your post to take out the methods.

    Please don't do anything. Nobody would be better off if you were gone. Is there something in particular that keeps pushing you down so low?

    Hope you'll stay and talk.
     
  3. nok1888

    nok1888 Well-Known Member

    Sorry, never thought about posting methods a bit stupid on my account.

    No theres nothing specific that puts me down, Ive never recognised a particular trigger anyway. I can jump from one extreme to another many times in one day. I can be high and feel amazing then in a heart beat be so angry and aggressive then a snap down low. Confuses me so much it tires me out so much I can end up in bed for days at a time. Just the thought of it makes me want to finish it once and for all. Selfish maybe but the pain I cause myself and others just isnt worth it and it isnt fair on the people around me
     
  4. WildCherry

    WildCherry Staff Member ADMIN

    It's okay, no need to apologize!! :hug:

    The people around you would be in a lot more pain if you were gone. At least now they can try to help you, or at least be there for you.
     
  5. nok1888

    nok1888 Well-Known Member

    not really, I have 2 kids I dont live with but as much as I have tried the past few years they're just not interested, not that I blame them. I have a mum, well I say I have a mum but she threw me to the side and wants nothing to do with me, my dads dead 2 years ago. My girlfriend is amazing but she doesnt want to know I feel like this so basically I have no one, no friends no nothing.

    I think thats why I joined this forum, maybe meet people in the same boat as me. I tried going on the chat room but Im just not a talkative person. Unless Im trying to explain what I go through (like now) I just dont have nothing to say and its not because Im only self absorved (sp?).

    People seem nice here though
     
  6. jxdama

    jxdama Staff Member Safety & Support

    we are very nice here. please keep us updated.
     
  7. nok1888

    nok1888 Well-Known Member

    seriously think my meds need looked at. they just dont want to take me off what im on to start another just incase something happens, so looking at that it seems im stuck with it
     
  8. WildCherry

    WildCherry Staff Member ADMIN

    Could you talk to your doctor about adjusting the amount of meds you take? Maybe he can up the dosage or add something to it.

    People are nice here. I hope you keep posting; I'm sure you'll find people who can relate to what you're going through.
     
  9. nok1888

    nok1888 Well-Known Member

    Ive been back and forward to the doctors for the past few months trying to get sorted. Had a lot of mixed episodes lately to the point that I didnt know if I could stop myself from attacking anyone that got to me. Im far from a violent man but because no one knew how long i could stay like that and because of the size of me they didnt want to take any chances so i think they are over medicating me for the time being. No more mixed moods now but major depression started a week ago, if it not one thing its another
     
  10. WildCherry

    WildCherry Staff Member ADMIN

    Yeah, I can see why they'd do that, but it's not fair to you. Can you go to another doctor, maybe get a second opinion and see what other options are out there? Or at least they could slowly lower the dosage you're on so you don't get hit with the crushing depression.
     
  11. nok1888

    nok1888 Well-Known Member

    Theres not much choices in my town very small, my doctors the best 1and his interest is mental health. I spose its trial and error although my trials been 6 years I think its time for a change.

    Thanks for talking to me, everythings lifted a wee bit, spose it helps talking, not that i do much of that
     
  12. WildCherry

    WildCherry Staff Member ADMIN

    I'm glad you feel a little better. Talking might help, just to be able to get things out and know people are listening. You can talk here anytime you want to.
     
  13. itmahanh

    itmahanh Senior Member & Antiquities Friend

    I'm bipolar as well. And I know how extreme the swings can be. And how tiring. And how hard it is to make others understand that it is out of your control. Make them understand the constant struggles you face within yourself everyday. And how it can turn you into someone you really arent.

    My meds were working for a while but seem to have given up too. I agree with WildCherry, talk to your doc again. Most meds can be given at the same time. As you are being weaned off one they can start you on the other at a mild dosage and increase it over time. Do you have a therapist or counsellor you talk to? There really isnt any type of "self help" programs for bipolarism as there is for say depression. But being able to talk to a professional or anyone for that matter does help. You dont have to try to hold it all in. Another option is a support group. Here (Canada) we have an organization known as MDAM (Mood Disorder Asst. of MB) The support groups are really so helpful. You are there with others that suffer just like you. So many ideas that the docs dont know for coping and getting through the swings. Look into it. And of course you have here. Post, post and post!!!! You are no longer alone with this. So please keep letting others know what is going on. You'll see very quickly just how helpful the members are here. Drop me a pm if you want to talk.
     
  14. nok1888

    nok1888 Well-Known Member

    thatks for the reply Itmahanh. I never thought about support groups, I'll have to look into it and i'll be away to doctors on monday to see what he can do
     
  15. WildCherry

    WildCherry Staff Member ADMIN

    Good luck at the doctor's on Monday, I hope you get some answers!
     
  16. itmahanh

    itmahanh Senior Member & Antiquities Friend

    Good luck and be sure to be specific and no trying to sugar coat anything. They cant help if they dont know the whole situation. Drop a post and let us know how it went!!
     
  17. nok1888

    nok1888 Well-Known Member

    This is bollocks! after a good week Im down in the shit again. Just so sick of these mood swings from high to low without any periods of reasonable normality. Just so sick and so tired living like this, the past 20 years and law of average Ive got another 50 years o this shit existance. Cant stop thinking that what ever comes next it cant be worse than this, I just dont have a reaon to keep puting it off time and time again.

    My girlfriend is far far too nice a person to have to live with me around every dayof her life and my kids dont deserve a piece o shit like me as their dad.

    I must have done some serious shit to someone in my past lives to be ah fk it!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
     
  18. nok1888

    nok1888 Well-Known Member

    Just delete this thread someone, theres no point in trying anymore
     
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