i don't want to scream at the world exactly, i don't have the energy. i just can't really cope with anything at the moment, but there seem to be lots of things i need to cope with. i need to get a job, i have no money at all. the benefits i was on have been fucked up, so i'm even poorer than usual. my boyfriend owes me money, but even though he's working, he's seriously shite with cash and gets depressed just thinking about it, so asking him for repayments is harsh. i feel at a loose end, nothing holds my attention, i feel bored and on the edge of something. i feel reckless, but i don't have any energy to act on it. last week i did something to try to ease my boredom. i slept with three different guys just because i realised i could. and though i felt better whilst i was actually doing it, i realise now that it changed nothing at all. i still feel bored and dead and grey. i would like to die, i would like to just lie down and stop. i can't cope with the smallest thing. i feel like there's bubble inside me and i have to do everything so very slowly to stop it from bursting. sometimes i cry a lot, but i'm not even doing that now. i'm just sort of floating i suppose. i don't know anything. what am i supposed to do.