too much

Discussion in 'Rants, Musings and Ideas' started by Wastingecho, Jun 14, 2012.

  1. Wastingecho

    Wastingecho Well-Known Member

    my son has been hospitalized twice in the last couple of weeks for bad flare ups of his colitis

    the first time he was admitted they had to put him in pediatrics because there was no other room open - he there for 3 days

    yesterday my daughter called me to say they had to call 911 because he was so weak, nauseus, in pain - his BP was 80 over 40 because he had lost so much blood

    i was at work another state away, frustrated and scared

    finally get home and head to the hospital - this time they put him in a regular room on the 5th floor

    i get out of the elevator and look to my left t get my bearings so i could find his room - saw the locked door to the psych unit with its blaring "ELOPEMENT RISK!" sign - that's not where he was but it is where i've been - you'd think i would have remembered that

    stood there shaking - i think i almost passed out - took me back to somewhere i did not want to go

    don't know that i can go back to see him again and now i feel like a miserable parent
  2. WildCherry

    WildCherry Staff Member ADMIN

    You're not a bad parent. :hug: Is there any way to go see him and avoid looking at that part of the hospital? Or do you have to go in that direction to get to his room?
  3. IV2010

    IV2010 Well-Known Member

    hope all goes well for your son Echo..
    your fear sounds very upsetting re the door to the psyche ward..
    that doesn't make you a bad parent..
    can you try what WC said? :hug:
  4. Tashok

    Tashok Member

    I'm so sorry you and your family are going through all that. You're definitely not a bad parent. I mean, look at you! You obviously love them and worry about them, and you even faced your worst memories for them! It's okay that you couldn't get past that door, and whether you're able to find another way past, or face the door again, or if you have to Skype your son in his room, you're still a great parent! He's lucky to have someone that loves him so much. If there was a parent who couldn't visit their son in a hospital because they were wheelchair bound and there was no handicap access, would you think they were a horrible parent? Of course not! They have a medical condition that's not their fault! Remember, you have to take care of yourself if you want to be able to take care of your son.
  5. Wastingecho

    Wastingecho Well-Known Member

    went back to see him yesterday - refused to look to my left but felt the door waiting there

    they still don't know what's going on and are keeping him in isolation

    will be late with mortgage this month if i don't miss it completely

    wife starts giving me grief because she wanted to go to Sonic for dinner or lunch sometime but i was not impressed with it - wants to know if there's anything i DO like other than taco bell - so the one place i do like doesn't matter - told her next time she wants to go out to just leave me the hell home - then SHE gets angry? fuck this life

    will be married 31 years this july - why doesn't she know me by now?

    i don't matter enough i guess - shouldn't be surprised

    can't help my kid, can't pay my bills, will never be able to retire

    can't see a future

    if someone asked me where i see myself in 5 years, the answer is easy - i don't

    just trying to hold on until end of 2014 when eldest will finish student teaching

    not sure i can

    been feeling the walls closing in for a couple of months now - getting less and less stable - changing song lyrics in my head so they're about me dying

    catching myself saying "i must die" so quietly that no one else in the room can hear

    won't go back through that door - i WILL die first

    i am beyond redemption - beyond saving
  6. WildCherry

    WildCherry Staff Member ADMIN

    You're not beyond saving. I know it feels like you are when everything's closing in, but you aren't.
  7. Wastingecho

    Wastingecho Well-Known Member

    Yesterday was father's day - I had forgotten

    Got hugs from daughters - a mumble from my wife

    Didn't want anything

    Daughter wouldn't let go - had to push her away and leave so she wouldn't see me crying

    Why can't they see how worthless I am? How badly I've messed up everything

    How pathetic is it when you crave comfort but can't stand being touched by your own family?

    I know a crash is coming and don't want to fight if this time
  8. WildCherry

    WildCherry Staff Member ADMIN

    You aren't worthless, and your daughter knows that. Please try to let her be there for you and comfort you. You deserve that.
  9. Wastingecho

    Wastingecho Well-Known Member

    Not her job - she shouldn't have to be there for me - shouldn't be anywhere near me

    Couldn't eveh sit and watch tv with them in the same room - hiding in the bedroom in the dark

    Just want to disappear