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Too sad to go on. Too scared to check out.

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by JamesDeSpondent, Jan 8, 2012.

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  1. JamesDeSpondent

    JamesDeSpondent New Member

    I have nowhere else to turn. Perhaps in this anonymity I can find some help and peace. God knows I don't have it right now.

    I think about suicide all day, every day. I hate who I am, what I've become, and the horrible decisions I've made that have led me to this point in my worthless life.

    I'm 41 years old, divorced with 2 young children. I've lost my job, my future, and all my hope.

    Sometimes I wish I hadn't been raised in a religious household, because I'm so terrified about what might be on the other side after I die. I am devastated because my children are growing up with their parents divorced, and it's all my fault. They are so bright and beautiful, and I think to myself all the time about how I should just off myself now while they are still so little, and hopefully someday they will forget about me entirely. They'd be better off not having a person like me for a father anyway.

    I don't know where to turn. I know I need help and counseling of some kind, but I can barely pay my bills, let alone pay for counseling. I find myself afraid to look in the mirror, because I've begun to actually try to talk myself into committing suicide. Out loud. I'm so horrified at what I've become. What kind of freak talks OUT LOUD about killing themselves? I'm the kind of freak apparently. I shave and brush my teeth in the shower now because I can't look in the mirror. Every noise outside makes me jump. The only time I have any peace is when I'm with my children, but even then my feelings of wanting to die are bubbling just below the surface. I love my children and am good to them. But I want to save them from having to grow up with me as a father. I'm a loser and am no example for them.

    Sometimes I feel like I want help. Sometimes I feel like I really don't want to die. I want to just lock myself away from the outside world and sink into my loneliness. I am alone. I have no family. I have no friends. I have nothing. I am nothing.
  2. jimk

    jimk Staff Alumni

    HI James and welcome.. perhaps checking in with a local mental health center for yourself and see if you can get a really reduced rate there.. you need some help and a hand. your kids love you anyway James.. just cause they know you love them also.. if you were gone they would miss you.. my given name is James also.. i also have a son john who is the love of my life. been where you are now myself. hope to hear so more from you in the future. tc, Jim
  3. jeroen

    jeroen Well-Known Member

    Hi James,

    Of course I don't know what you have done that is so bad that it broke up your marriage, but I can imagine a couple of things also. Whatever it is, you probably don't help your children, or your ex-wife who probably has enough things on her head too, by getting yourself killed. While it can be bad for children to have parents who are divorced, the way the parents handle this divorce seems to me to be at least as important. Bottom-line: you are still needed on this planet, and preferably in better shape.

    I have no idea where you are located so I can't say anything about possibilities for cheap or free counseling you could have. Do you have former friends you can talk too? Perhaps friends you have lost contact with a perhaps even a few years ago but you could still contact to revive the friendship? Are you perhaps going to a church where you could talk with a pastor? In your post you talk a lot about isolating yourself, but perhaps it could do you good to find someone to talk to.

    Last but not least, you are not a freak because you talk out loud about killing yourself, just really hurt. Take care!
  4. pit

    pit Well-Known Member

    Please live for your kids, if nothing else. They would never forget you if something happened to you, and it would hurt them deeply if you did kill yourself. What's helped me is 12-step groups, depression groups, any kind of forum where people get together and talk about their problems. It's helped me through tough times. I would look up your local mental health clinic and see what they have to offer. Take care.
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