I have nowhere else to turn. Perhaps in this anonymity I can find some help and peace. God knows I don't have it right now. I think about suicide all day, every day. I hate who I am, what I've become, and the horrible decisions I've made that have led me to this point in my worthless life. I'm 41 years old, divorced with 2 young children. I've lost my job, my future, and all my hope. Sometimes I wish I hadn't been raised in a religious household, because I'm so terrified about what might be on the other side after I die. I am devastated because my children are growing up with their parents divorced, and it's all my fault. They are so bright and beautiful, and I think to myself all the time about how I should just off myself now while they are still so little, and hopefully someday they will forget about me entirely. They'd be better off not having a person like me for a father anyway. I don't know where to turn. I know I need help and counseling of some kind, but I can barely pay my bills, let alone pay for counseling. I find myself afraid to look in the mirror, because I've begun to actually try to talk myself into committing suicide. Out loud. I'm so horrified at what I've become. What kind of freak talks OUT LOUD about killing themselves? I'm the kind of freak apparently. I shave and brush my teeth in the shower now because I can't look in the mirror. Every noise outside makes me jump. The only time I have any peace is when I'm with my children, but even then my feelings of wanting to die are bubbling just below the surface. I love my children and am good to them. But I want to save them from having to grow up with me as a father. I'm a loser and am no example for them. Sometimes I feel like I want help. Sometimes I feel like I really don't want to die. I want to just lock myself away from the outside world and sink into my loneliness. I am alone. I have no family. I have no friends. I have nothing. I am nothing.